Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Rest in Peace, Sir

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I was a band geek…  No, I was a Super Band Geek!  I was in color guard (parade, field show, winter guard) and band (parade, field show, concert, and drum circuit.)  Competition was had, trophies won, new songs and moves learned, and trips taken.  Judges, and medals, uniforms, and more…  It was interesting how I pulled it off.  I truly don’t know that I would have survived high school had I not had that focus and, well, forced community.  It was an important part of my life, and a lot of things surrounding it effected the person I became today.  My family life wasn’t good at the time, and I was able to be a part of something and learn how to participate in a team.

My guard coach, Chuck, passed away recently.  I’m awaiting details, but since he was local to me, I’ll make every attempt to go to his services.  I’m sad.  Another person gone who was a part of my history.  I know that death is part of life, and I know that I wasn’t close to the man.  But still.  I knew him then, he influenced my life then, and that makes him a human being that had an effect on someone during the course of their life.  It’s okay to be sad he’s gone.

Losing It

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So, I started therapy last week.

Friday was therapy day.  I slogged through the morning chores etc. feeling like crap.  I figured it was my sinuses – Logan and my allergies have been acting up lately.  Major fatigue and moving really slow.  Then I had therapy in my home, which she’s doing both to keep Joseph and my therapy separate in different places, and to save me on gas.  I already go to the other therapy center 5 times a month, sometimes more.  The effort is appreciated.

I won’t discuss the content, except to say that she’s focusing a lot on my relationship with God.  This is both needed and really quite surprising considering how I know her.  I’ll take it.

After, I was just basically good for nothing.  I ended up taking what I consider a “depression nap.”  Whenever I’m mentally overwhelmed past capacity, my body shuts down and needs to sleep.  It’s not an escape hatch, it’s like it needs it.  I was even slurring my words.  I only had Joseph at home, so I was able to explain what was going on (having mental issues himself, I can word it in such a way that he gets it) and take a 2 hour nap.  I wasn’t any good the rest of the day either, but at least I was no longer slurring and was functional.  The whole weekend passed in a blur of feeling lazy and like crap and needing to sleep a lot.

Poe says that it’s my body’s way of dealing with crap I haven’t been dealing with just in order to go from one day to the next.  Now, I’m dealing with it, and my body – which has always had pronounced reactions to stress – is reacting.  Poe basically said go with it – don’t fight it – and let it do what it has to do.  In the meantime, don’t fight what’s going on in therapy, just do the work to go through rather than around.

Hmph.

I hate saying the words, “I’m in therapy.”  It feels both cliche and shaming all at once.  But I’m not letting that stop me from doing what’s needed to keep me healthy.

Playing Catch Up

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How is it even possible that it’s been this long since I wrote? I don’t have an excuse. The bottom line is I have so many balls up in the air that I’m having trouble juggling.

We went to church last Sunday. It was good. The kids enjoyed Sunday School. I want to get involved again. And yes, there may have been tears during worship. Music is something that connects me very much with God. We attend a denomination that is very demonstrative in their worship of God. I myself am not. It’s a very private thing for me, and I’ll admit I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the demonstrations of faith. HOWEVER – I feel blessed that our church is a place where those who feel the Spirit move them in that way are welcome, and comfortable, and able to express themselves. My discomfort is just that – my problem, not theirs.

We plan on going again this Sunday.  But there’s a hitch coming.  Why do we always have to have a hitch?  Poe’s current job is going away.  I know. But they’re apparently going to keep Poe out of everybody, and put him somewhere else.  For less money.  Again.  And this time his days are going to be Sunday – Thursday.  His hours are such that he’ll miss all the services.  Sigh.  I’m just going to have to buck up and make sure I round up the kids and go by myself when this happens.

I’m going in a different direction at Vineyard Virtual Services, which means I’m in the process of revamping that site, and doing some schooling in order to learn some of the finer points of the new direction.  Basically, I’m nitching myself into being a Virtual Author’s Assistant.  I love books, I enjoy working with authors, and I enjoy the minutia of things like editing and source lists.  It’s a good fit for me.  I knew something needed to change.

Joseph starts school Monday.  That will add some structure to our days.  Today, however, we have back to back therapy sessions, which totally sucks.  It just seems a lot longer than it actually is when there are two sessions close together.  And his therapist suggested that maybe I might want to consider separate therapy for myself.

This is the part where I laugh maniacally and ask her when would I have the time for that?  I have too many meetings for work and the kids and doctors and therapists and school pickups and grocery shopping and cleaning and billing and invoicing and work to day.

And this is the part where she says: Exactly.

She thinks I may have too much on my plate with too little a support system – especially now that Poe’s working full time.  She has a point.  We’ll see where it goes.  I start tomorrow.

Get Me to the Church on Time

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I’m having a problem.

I’m not going to church.

It’s very bizarre.  It’s like I have a mental block or something.

My prayer life is better than it was.  I’m reading my Bible every day.  I’ve read it cover to cover, and now I’m reading it in chronological order.  I’m involved in an online Christian bookclub that does Bible studies.

Why can’t I go to church?  Literally, on Sunday, I don’t think of it.  We have a church.  We like the church.  It’s one of the few near us that actually lists the Bible in their Statement of Faith (which is just sad, in my opinion.)  We don’t feel it’s doctrinely unsound.  The pastor hasn’t said anything hinky.  The people were lovely and welcoming.  Joseph liked the kids’ church.

I can’t understand it.  Any thoughts?

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Check out Butterviews for BlogHer…  What caregiving is to me.  There’s a chance for a cruise at BlogHer’s roundup page – so you might want to check it out!  The post is Full Plates and Everything Else.

What I’ve Learned Now That I’m 35

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Back in March, my birthday came and went without a lot of fanfare.  We don’t have money right now for celebrations.  That was fine.  I was disappointed by how I felt about this birthday, 35, anyway.  Halfway through my 30’s, on my way to 40, and I was disappointed in my life.  Completely starting over financially.  “Stuck” living by my parents to help them.   Still overweight.  Still smoking.  Poor.  An unemployed husband.  No savings.  A fledgling business.  I felt like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

But I’m working on all of those things.  Because when I turn 40 I want to be in a place that it’s just fabulous.

But I’ve learned a lot in my 35 years on earth.

I’ve learned that the gray in my hair doesn’t bother me in the least.  I’ve learned to stop caring what others think.  Sometimes I still have to remind myself of that, but it’s true.  I don’t particularly care what you think of me.  I’ve learned that I have really broad shoulders, and I can handle a lot of responsibility.  I’ve learned that I have an inner mama-bear and can be a true advocate for my kids’ needs.  I’ve learned that I’m a loyal wife, and a loyal friend.  I’ve learned that I’m not frivolous, I’m not silly, I’m serious.  And that’s okay, as long as you have balance.  My husband creates that balance in our lives.  I’ve learned what my politics are.  I’ve also learned when I need to turn off the flow of information.  I’ve learned when I need to ask for help (although it’s still a struggle for me.)  I’ve learned more about what my personal faith is and looks like (although I’m still struggling with it.)  I’ve learned to love through the not so lovable moments.  I’ve learned that I can love and care for my family, even if I don’t particularly like them at that moment.  I’m slowly learning to let things go that don’t matter in the long run.  I’ve even learned I have a knack for home decorating – not that I have the funds to indulge in it.  I’ve learned to stand up for myself.  I’ve learned that I scare people with my bluntness, but I’ve learned that I’m never mean.  I’ve learned to tell people when I think they’re going down the wrong path, but how to make a bad haircut something positive.  Yes, you look fat in that, but man do you look fabulous in this.  No, you shouldn’t live with him first, but I’ll give you a bachelorette party to remember.  I’ve learned when to have tact, and when the superficial tact will get in the way of what someone actually needs.

So, while I’m not where I want to be in life – I know I’m working on it.  And these last 35 years have not been a waste – I’ve learned something from them.  That’s really all I can ask.

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