Explain This to Me
As an aside before I come to the topic on my mind… Mom got out of the hospital… and went right back in. That’s all I’m going to say because I’m rather pissed at some people involved in her care, and I just don’t want to get into it right now.
But – what I wanted to ask about.
OK. Most of my readers know I’m a “Christian.” I use the quotes because I’ve come to have some rather eclectic ideas. But that’s not the point. My question is this… Why are atheists now denouncing, taking down, or attempting to take down expressions of faith (examples include nativity scenes during this season)? If Jewish folks set up their menorahs, it does not bother me, and I don’t believe in their faith. When I see Muslim folks doing their prayers, it does not bother me, and I don’t believe in their faith. When I see expressions of other faiths, it does not bother me. I guess what the problem is, for me – if you don’t believe, why do you care?
This is an honest question on my part. Can anyone shed some light? It used to be mainly “You can’t do that in a government building!” But they’ve expanded past that example. So, my honest question is, if you don’t believe, why do you care so much? I only know one atheist, and I don’t believe she’s a reader, so I may not get an answer. We’ll see.
Mistakes
Have I mentioned I’m in therapy? I’m sure I have. Yesterday was therapy day.
I talked about a situation at work. I had made a mistake. I had assumed something, because that was convenient, and with some other things outside of my control, let to an error. I was a writhing mass of anxiety. I don’t make mistakes at work. So I brought it up at therapy. Any kind of “badness” or conflict creates this massive anxiety in me.
After we talked in therapy, we figured out together why. I don’t want to be “in trouble,” or yelled at, or anger thrown at me. I’m a grown woman. It seems that I’m fine when it comes to conflict involving my kids’ care (Hello, mama bear!) but me? Not so much. So we kept going back further and further. While I do come from an abuse situation, it feels like it stems from my very first memory.
I was living in New Jersey with Jeannette (my biological mother, for those who don’t know my story) and my “step-father.” Quotes – because I don’t know if they were ever actually married. In our apartment, I was coloring in a book on the kitchen floor. I went “outside the lines,” and colored on the floor accidentally. When my step-father questioned me, I lied and said it wasn’t me. He picked me up, and took me, my crayons, and my coloring books, put us all in the bathtub and turned on the shower (cold not hot). At the time, I had a terrible fear of the shower, so I was always given baths. The result? Coloring outside the lines, literally and figuratively, practically gives me hives. I didn’t take a shower for years. Probably not until I was about 14. And I hate hate hate making a mistake and/or getting in trouble. It eats at my stomach.
So… We talked about how despite the fact that I’m really good at my job, I’m still a human being, and human beings aren’t perfect. That’s life, and life is messy.
Sometimes I hate being a human. Humans hurt.
Life Can Be Hard… Ya Think?
Yeah. That title is a little dumb. Kind of like saying the sky can be blue… Water can be wet. Ya think?
So, where the hell have I been? Right here. I work from 5am to 5pm with some breaks for things like picking up the kids. Work is rather demanding at the moment, and I’m still trying to get my feet under me. I’m learning to not make my clients’ emergencies my own personal emotional emergencies, if that makes sense. But? We need the money.
In addition, my mother needs much more care. So, that’s thrown in there, and I had to drop a few clients for that reason. I just couldn’t keep up.
And to the “friends” on Facebook who I don’t know who are friends simply to be game neighbors (ie, I don’t know them)? Your comments of “Where are you, I sent you stuff?” Unappreciated. It’s a game. I can’t play right now. Deal.
Then? Joseph had another 5150. For those not in the “know” – that’s the famed 72 hour Psych hold in the hospital. I simply don’t want to get into the details at the moment, as we’re still in the midst of the mental and physical cleanup and logistics. Suffice it to say though, it was nowhere near the nightmare it was last time. That… was the worst week of my life (and I’ve had a hard life). So – that’s positive – it wasn’t anything like that. Short story, we spent 30 hours under guard. Joseph was under guard, not me, but we weren’t exactly going to leave him there. And finally one… ONE… social worker LISTENED to us. The first one after 4 shifts, and no doctor seen. She saw something in us that no one else who just wanted their papers off their desk saw. And she made the personal decision to advocate for us. Other that Joseph’s current personal team, she’s the first who I felt cared. Really cared. I hope she never loses that. Joseph is home because we convinced them to break the hold. Let me say that again, because it might be foreign to those familiar with 5150s. We convinced them to break the hold.
Minor miracles. Sometimes I think those are the only reason I’m still alive.
Catching Up
I know, I know, I know. I disappeared.
I can’t help it.
Let’s see. Let’s do a recap on everyone.
Joseph: Doing well! He starts 6th grade in the fall at his same special school. That district does Jr. High 6-8, so he’s technically entering Jr. High. Which… I’m not ready for. Neither am I ready for the budding puberty I’m witnessing. Under his psychiatrist’s direction, we’ve also stopped his meds. Except for a couple of days of adjustment, he’s done fine, which is great. I’m waiting for 3 months into the school year, though. That will be the true test as to whether he can stay off the meds. I know of wherefore I speak. He’s currently doing summer school.
Logan: Also doing well! He starts 3rd in fall. They’ll also be bringing in some modifications, as well as an OT observation based on a medical request. Of course, I’ve been asking for 3 years, but hey, better late than never? or something. Anyway, the modifications we requested should help him tremendously academically. The school finally seemed to realize the weightiness of his heart condition, and then promptly freaked the eff out, so now we have to have (yet another) meeting with the district nurse and the PE teacher before the school year starts. Sigh. They act like this has never been an issue before. Um. I’ve put it on all his school forms, he’s had it since birth, and he wears a medic-alert bracelet. Like I said, it’s only taken them 3 years. Seriously, get with the program.
Poe: Also doing well! He’s still working nights. We have hopes that a promotion is in the works, but the truth is that it is months away, and I don’t trust his company as far as I can throw them, so we’ll see.
Me: Doing… Ok. I’ve gained a ton of new clients (good!) but my mother is starting to refuse my help (bad!). I’ve been working on a lot of spiritual stuff (good!) which is leading to confusion (bad!). Still in therapy.
We’re also potentially planning a grandfather/grandson trip, and a camping trip. Maybe. If we can get our act together, and have some extra funds. Truthfully, one day morphs into the next. I feel like right now, we’re all about survival and routines. But we ARE surviving. We’re even seeing some progress on a lot of fronts. But lately it seems like it goes like this:
Wake up really early.
Work.
Wake kids/get ready.
Work.
Housework.
Work.
Dinner and cleanup.
Watch trash TV, because my brain can’t handle anything creative.
Bed.
Get up really early.
So… I haven’t gotten a good rant on in a really long time. And maybe that’s a good thing. I’m trying to live from a place that’s “heart-centered” and trying to not judge anyone for anything. That’s both easy, and incredibly difficult at the same time. But it does have the benefit of peace, which is something I’ve been trying to attain for a long, long time.
Recent Comments