I talked to Poe last night. About everything bothering me. Was a little snippet that turned into us lounging on the bed talking in between being interrupted by the kids, feeding them dinner, then eating our dinner, and then after dinner. Still talking.

It was good. He thinks, and I agree, that all this unhappiness is because I want to stay home, and I can’t, and I’m rational about it, but it’s not what’ll make me happy. He’s right. I keep trying to be the happy housewife, and it’s just impossible. You know, with the being away from the house 10 hours a day. He suggested a couple of things: 1. Try and get my spirit right with God, because whenever I do, I have peace. 2. Try to figure out a budget plan with an emphasis on debt management to get me home sooner.

He also has things he wants to work on but that’s between him and God.

He’s right.

It was an odd conversation, filled with a bunch of research I’ve been doing on femininity, households, biblical wives, and household tips. His input was basically that yes, he’d LOVE me to be a stay at home wife and mother, but does not want me to turn into some robot. He doesn’t want sweet and submissive. He wants me. Heh. But I knew what he meant. I said, “But – that’s not biblical!” He said, “Of course it is. You respect me and my opinions. You always have. What’s not biblical about that?” I had no answer.

I know I don’t talk to much about my faith here. Perhaps I’m just a coward. But I have it – the faith I mean. And I’ve been struggling with it the last few years. Not my faith in God and Jesus. But pretty much every other thing entailed.

In addition I feel like I was hoodwinked by my parents, by society at large. You Can Have It All! Just Get a Good Education!! Get a Good Job!!

They didn’t tell me that when I got married and had children I would want to stay home and make a home for all of them, and write. So now, I’m stuck in this Good Job!! and trapped by student loans for my husband’s Good Education!!

All I want to do is create a home for my husband to come home to, that’s peaceful (for myself), that’s peaceful for them, and write in between. And I’m trapped by finances.

I got suckered.

Do you ever have that feeling of impending doom? You walk outside, and there’s just something off in the air, the sky, the feel of your surroundings… And you say to yourself, “Storm’s coming…”

That’s what I’m feeling right now, both literally and figuratively. We’re supposed to hit 110 degrees today. There’s been increased small earthquake activity in the area. I have that off feeling. To the point where I have my work bag actually packed by my desk, instead of the contents I use during the day out, like I usually do. It’s like – there’s either a fire or earthquake coming, I can feel it.

The problem is, I don’t think that’s possibly the case. I think the real thing is I feel like my life is off, and my anxiety is taking this form instead. So. I pack my work bag in case I have to evacuate, just in case.

Not so easy in my life. While I’m feeling better than my last post implied, I just can’t shake the feeling that either things need to change, or they just are changing. I know that I need to change some things. I’m fighting that rut that people get into – want to change, but don’t actually do the work to do so.

I’m fighting the impending storm. But storms come whether you fight them or not.

I’ve disabled comments on this entry.

I’m really struggling in my life right now. I’m not happy in it. Changes need to be made, and I’m the only one who can make them. I’m discontent. I feel like I’m not living the life I want, and there’s no peace. I’m not happy at home or at work. I feel lazy and unmotivated. I feel ugly and fat. I feel like writing, both fiction, and here on my blog, and the words don’t come. I feel unattractive and unfeminine to my husband. I feel chaotic in my head, home, office everywhere.

So, I want to simplify. Find the peace. In various areas.

We’re renovating our home, which will take time, effort, and money – but I want to make it a peaceful place, with the colors that soothe me. Make it “my” home.

I want to be a better wife. Poe and I’s marriage is a good one. But I want him to fulfill his head of household position – and I think I might not be letting him. And I need him to. So I need to evaluate my roll.

I need to get closer to God – our relationship has been on the rocks. I know Peace will come from Him.

I’ve been looking into articles on femininity, and wife-hood. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll never be the definition, but I know that there’s a peace there… And the truth is, I can’t be the stay-at-home wife and mother I want to be. We’re in a position where I have to work. And we’re redoing our budget in order to get a handle on the debt we have. Student loans suck. So does childcare. I shouldn’t have to pay twice my rent for a couple hours a day of babysitting.

I’ve been very slowly getting my mindset back into FlyLady. There was an article on her business here – but the system is free – all that money they’re talking about is on products you don’t need, the services and ideas, and instructions and exhortations are all free, and always have been. Just thought I’d mention that, since I didn’t think that they made that clear enough.

I’m quitting Jenny Craig. (the money issue again.) But I think I’m going to join Saving Dinner and cook again. I just need to watch my portion intake. That’s the real problem for me.

I have a plan for everything but working out. I’m thinking Yoga. I’m thinking I need to move, but I’ve got to find a release. That’s the only thing that I really haven’t planned out yet.

And last but not least, I want to institute family night. Since I want it to be a tradition that will continue on for years, I’m thinking Sunday nights. The kids aren’t going to want to be tied to home on Friday and Saturday nights later down the road.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m in fix it mode in my life. I have these beautiful people in my life, and yet I’m frustrated. People who love me, and I feel weighed down by all my responsibility to them. I’ve got a lot of people who rely on me for various things, of all and sundry misc things, important and not important. Poe, Logan, Joseph, mom, dad, my boss, my coworkers… They all need stuff from me. I’m overwhelmed.

It’s time to simplify for peace.

The more one worries, the older one gets; the more one laughs, the younger one feels.

— Chinese proverb

So what does it mean when you do both in excess? I’m just my real age?

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So – then entry that I wrote that was lost. Hm. Here’s the generalized homogenized version. I realized through research that I have depression. Not the blues, but perhaps clinical depression. Poe and I have talked (a lot) about it, and he knows that I just do not want to go on medication, nor do I want to be in therapy. I will, however, if I have to. But we’re going to try some other things first.

It’s been a very dark place in my mind. Full of apathy and self-loathing. No motivation. No energy. And the most difficlut thing was the lack of caring.

Straw that broke the camel’s back… I didn’t care that we were almost out of toilet paper. One bathroom trip away from none in the house. I didn’t care. This is unusual for me. I would normally care. Not in a panicked way, but more in a “Hey honey – while you’re grabbing dinner, can you grab some TP?” Nope didn’t care. I cared that I didn’t care though. I didn’t care about ANYTHING I normally did. I used to have hobbies and interests. I didn’t care anymore. This here blog was like pulling teeth to find or think of material. I didn’t want to talk about any of it. I was mad at everyone. Trying to hide it. I can’t tell you the last time I pulled any of my materials for my crafts or jewelry making. All I did was play WoW or watch tv. Anything physical exhausted me. I just wanted to be left alone in my little bubble.

Everything’s suffered. The house – a disaster. I mean Poe can only keep up so much. I’ve gained a terrible amount of weight. We already know I hold my stress in my body and end up with cardiac symptoms, rashes, you name it.

Anyway – it came to a head. Poe doesn’t completely understand, but he knows I’m feeling that way. We’ve started doing some things which are helping me to not be so overwhelmed. Baby steps, ’cause he knows I don’t want medication, at least not right away.

It’s starting to work. I feel like I’m clawing my way out of a dark dark hole. I’m still in the hole, but I finally see some handholds.