But aside from that, she's still completely normal
He is Risen Indeed
Please take time, today, if you are a Christian, to truly recognize in your heart and mind what the resurrection means. What He went through, what it means for Him to resurrect, and what it means for your life – and your life hereafter. Remember the destination – while living the journey.
A very blessed Easter to you all!
Photo: Claudia Meyer (St Germain en Laye) France
I’ve been finding myself changing. I think it’s a good thing. I feel like it’s God working on me. My values, my priorities, where my life is going, what I’m doing with the time I have.
Good. These are all good things.
I feel, however, like I’m the verge of something in my life. Something big, some big transition. For the life of me, I don’t know what that is.
I know that I’ve been researching more the concept of a Proverbs 31 wife… Christian femininity… And more. I find myself inexplicably drawn to women’s websites who are leading these lives.
I’m playing with the finances… Trying to make the numbers work. So I can come home. It just won’t work yet. Yet. The advice I was given was quit anyway, God will provide. But I’m not getting that nudge from God. I’m getting the nudge to prepare, but not to do. I think that’s because I wouldn’t be a good steward if I were to do that. There’s certain things that need to be taken care of first. I’m not ignoring God, or his provision in this. I’m listening to Him. “They” don’t get that. That’s okay.
I feel like big changes are up for this family this year. I can’t tell if they’re good or bad or what? Will Poe get transferred? Will I come home? Will it by my mother’s final year? I just don’t know.
So I slog on. Pray. Try to pray. Try to keep my spirit open to His leading. I’m doing it. It’s so hard for this on-top-of-things, can-do woman to do though.
I’m sitting here, looking at the blank page, wondering what in the world to write. And I don’t know.
There’s all kinds of things going on… I just… don’t seem to have the brain cells to assimilate them here. Hmmm.
I’m struggling with a lot lately. There’s the plain, old fashioned stress of dealing with a marriage, 2 special needs kids, elderly, sick parents, and a full time job. Been there, done that, why hash it out again.
There’s been an ongoing stressful issue at work I’ve been dealing with – which I can’t talk about, ’cause it’s work.
Then there’s the health issues I’m dealing with… But I don’t have a resolution yet – maybe this week? So, I’m playing a waiting game.
There’s also the lack of inertia I feel at home. It’s impossible to be the wife, mother, and homemaker I truly wish to be while working a full time job outside the home. I know that sounds like whining. Maybe it is. But I can’t shake it. I feel I should be home. My husband agrees. Finances dictate in this case, and the numbers just don’t work for now. I get that, logically in my head. Which of course, solves nothing. It’s an ongoing battle for me. I just keep holding on, in the hopes that the job I’m doing at home is “good enough” for now. Put the health issues into play though – and I just don’t think it is. Good enough.
So pardon the mood. It may stick around a while.
We’re taught that we can “have it all” – their definition. Whoever “they” are. The education, the career, the home, the family… And that a good modern woman can juggle it all. I’m not a good modern woman. I want to be a biblical woman. I want my definition to be biblical. And that’s a good thing – I have NO problems with that. It’s just that we live in this world, where there are student loans, and they need to be paid. There are finances to juggle. And I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried to make the numbers work. They simply don’t – frugally. And when you go truly frugal and they still don’t work? Puts my spirit in a true bind. Stuck where I don’t want to be and where I don’t think I should be.
Instead I’m unhappy, unhealthy, and don’t know my place anymore.
I’m NOT a modern woman living in a modern world, and I can’t seem to bridge the gap.
I didn’t realize something was so close to happening. I realize that sounds vague, and I will share my thoughts, but not right now. I have to sort them for public consumption first.
Don’t worry – we’re all fine, nothing’s “wrong” per se. The plan today is to pickup, make a grocery list, do my grocery game, and shower. BIG plans, let me tell you.
Poe is off at his first game ever of paintball through work, and I have NO idea when he’s supposed to get home. So I’m not going shopping until he does. Because I don’t take my kids with me. If that makes me a bad mother so be it. Truth be told, I’m going to two different stores, lots of coupons, big list, and will probably spend about $300. I’m not running in for bread, so no. I do NOT want the kids with me.
Not much planned. That’s ok.
Gives me more time to ruminate on my thoughts.
I don’t talk much about my religious/spiritual life here. Mainly because it has the propensity to cause so much dissension and strife among people. You know the old rule – if you want peace, don’t talk religion or politics.
But, for the record, I’m a Bible believing non-denominational “saved” Christian. There’s a whole history as to how I got there I might tell someday.
I tell you this, not to draw a line in the sand (many of my readers are of other religions or atheists), but so you know where I’m coming from when I talk about this.
I’ve been feeling a HUGE conviction to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. Huge. And it really came out of the blue. You see, ever since I was married, that’s what I wanted to be. Finances prevented this, and that was ok. I did what I had to do, which was to work. I’ve never wanted to work outside the home, but – that’s life. Both the wish to do so, and the reasons I can’t, have definitely not changed. But I’ve been coming back to God as of late, slowly, and in my own way, without others telling me how. Finding my own path back to God as it were. And, as I call it, I got hit upside the head with a 2×4 with conviction of NOW STAY HOME.
I can’t, for the same reasons as before, debt and finances. So, I’ve basically told God, “OK! I know you want me to! I want to! But you’ve got to open the doors, ’cause right now it’s just not possible.” So. Poe and I are in the process of putting together a plan of getting out of debt. I make a little bit of money with freelance writing, so all those profits are going to go to paying on top of minimum payments. I’m also actively pursuing freelance gigs, which I didn’t really do before. Some pay, some don’t (but exposure can payoff in the long-term.)
I really felt led by God in this, and I haven’t felt that in a long long time. I finally cracked open my Bible a couple nights ago – for the first time in months.
Do any of you go through that? Ebbing and flowing in your faith? How do you normally crack through the ebb part?
Anyway – I looked at some student loan paperwork, and on the current schedule, we won’t have it paid off until 2027. Let me repeat – 2027. That’s like the year of The Jetsons! Totally unacceptable. Poe and I are taking steps. My kids need me now, not in college. My marriage needs me now, not 20 years from now. I’m pulled in too many directions, and I need to make it stop now.
It will take God – both His leading AND His hand. It still will probably take years. I have a possible promotion in the next couple of years, so that’ll help. Poe is due for a raise in a couple months, which will also help. I’m determined that God put this path down for me to follow. And for once, I’m taking Him up on the offer.
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