Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

sludge

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I haven’t been updating often.  Here or anywhere else for that matter.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I feel anxious, restless.  Like something’s coming but I don’t know what.  I can’t seem to settle or concentrate on anything.  I’ve been procrastinating in all my writing.  I barely have enough attention in me to get the dishes done.  Sometimes.

I can’t figure out what this unease, this cloud is.  I mean – I know that I’m working towards certain goals, and that they’re years away from completion.  in the meantime I need to just plug away.  But I can’t seem to get my head on straight.  I always seem to have this vague uneasy feeling.  The feeling that I need to be prepared.  But prepared for WHAT?  Are we talking emergency supplies, or getting a lawyer for a tax audit?  It’s that vague.

I’m probably just suffering from some mild anxiety and I need to take a chill pill.  I don’t have any chill pills.  And I’m not about to start the roller coaster of trying to find a doctor, insurance, medication, and headshrinking.  I mean I will if it got worse, or goes on for a long time, but taking off of work to do all of that isn’t really an option for something that feels fleeting and not a permanent state.

I’m sick of feeling like everything is so effing complicated.  If I wanted to go to the doctor, I’d have to go to my regular doctor.  He would then have to refer me to a mental health professional.  I would then have to go through my insurance to find one.  I would then have to make an appointment (probably for a month and a half away).  At which point the feelings would be gone anyway.  But if I decided to go on to the appointment, I’d have to arrange my work schedule, notify my boss, take sick time, drive to kingdom come, have the appointment, in which we would “discuss” everything.  They would probably then refer me to another mental health professional (they were just screening you see, to see what we should do next.)  And then I have to start the whole process all over again.  By the time I actually got to do anything about it, be it actual therapy or medication – it would probably be at least two months from now.

It’s useless and serves no point.

And so I trudge through this weighted feeling, hoping that soon it will lift and I’ll be back to normal again.

Conversations

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It’s no secret that we’re a Christian family. So – discussions about God come up on a regular basis.

This stemmed from a conversation in which Joseph wanted to know how many times he’d been in the hospital, in the car, on the way to school, with one small measly cup of coffee in me.

Joseph: So – everyone’s been in the hospital at least once right? When they were born!

Me: Well, no. Some people are born at home.

Joseph: So – they might have NEVER been in the hospital.

Me: Right.

Logan: Well – God was in the hospital when he was a kid.

Me: No, ’cause God was never a kid. He has always been the way He is. Now, Jesus, His Son was a kid once.

Logan: So he was in the hospital?

Me: Well, no, they didn’t have hospitals back then.

Joseph: Well, I guess he’s REALLY REALLY old now.

Me: Well, no. The way it works is, He died for our sins when he was about my age. He died, resurrected, and now lives at the right hand of His father, God.

Joseph: Well, then whoever’s on His left hand is a bad guy, right?

Me: Um. No. I don’t think it works that way.

Logan: Oh look! Something shiny.

Why can’t they have questions when I have the brain capacity to give thoughtful answers? Dude. I’m so not cut out to teach them theology.

pondering

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Do you ever wonder about your existence?  Your purpose?  Or on the other hand know, deep down, your purpose, and feel utterly helpless to accomplish it?

That’s where I’m at.  Feeling helpless to accomplishing my purpose.  My goal in life.  My calling.  I can see it.  I know what it is.  And yet, I cannot seem to attain it, or attain the path to it.

I think the answer, at least in my case, is patience.  And that is a lifeskill that I never learned.  That is so frustrating, and quite possibly my worst character flaw.  I also have no idea how to correct it.

Instead, I sit here floundering.  Floundering in a sea of impatience?

Worse yet – before I truly knew my calling, I was content.  Now, I am not.  And that is another flaw…  Because if I cannot be content where I’m at, am I truly living my life?  Am I allowing it to pass me by?

The longing is real, and yet, how do I move past it, when there is nothing that can be done for now?

I’m a doer not a coaster…

There’s no real answer here.  I’m just getting it out of my head.

Big Girl Panties

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I’ve GOT to get that waaaaah post off the top.

Bottom line is this.  I have a job.  Perhaps something will fall into my lap.  Perhaps not.  Perhaps I’ll spend the next 4 years paying off student loan debts off from an away from home job.   So be it.

I’ve got my Big Girl Panties back on.

Trapped

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I’m feeling rather down today.  I know I need to give it time, but I was really hoping to find a job from home.  Looks like that’s not meant to be.  Technically, I can go home in 2012.  4 years from now – when all our student loan debt would be paid off.  Which, in the grand scheme of things, not so terribly bad.  The kids will only be 10 and 12.

On the other hand, I feel trapped.  I can’t move to a cheaper state – my parents are here, and I’m the only kid who’ll lift a finger to help them.   I need more time in the day to be able to help them.

Logan’s surgery will be in the next couple of years, and I have no idea how long of an absence I’ll have to take from work to stay home with him.

Joseph’s case has a lot of meetings.  A lot.

I need flexibility.  I don’t have any.  I’m not mothering them.

And then I got notice today that it’s time to re-enroll in daycare for next year.  And it made me cry.  Because I thought I wouldn’t have to.  But I do.  I’m really struggling today.  Really struggling with the fact that I’ll probably be right where I’m at for another 4 years, when I really know deep down it’s not what’s good for the family.  But I’m trapped by circumstances.

I’m waiting on God.  I know where He wants me.  I’m just having trouble with the how part.  Once a plan is made, I like to go for it.  Gung ho.

I hate whining.  And yet, here I am doing it.   But dear God, I don’t want to fill that enrollment form out.

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