Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

A Bit of a Rant

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Today is Monday.  Which means all I have to do is get the kids up and ready and out the door on time for school.  Then I get to come home and do whatever I want.  You see, this week is my vacation, before I start really concentrating on home stuff.  Which would be awesome.

Unless you come down with a major cold.

Yesterday’s allergies turned out to not be allergies, and instead, an actual full blown cold.  Can you feel the joy?

But – yesterday’s plumbing debacle has been fixed thanks to my father’s plumbing snake.

I’m running into a lot of disbelief about my coming home.  It’s funny – it changes.  For example, my mother feels the need to blab my business to all of her friends.  “Well, you know, she pays $1300 a month in childcare, and that’s just rediculous.”  I told her that they don’t need to know that, and the answer of “She’s home with her children” is enough.  But since SHE’S sketchy about this whole thing, I don’t expect that will happen anytime soon, as she needs to convince herself.  So I thought I’d list some reasons.

Non-secular: I believe the Bible teaches about the parents teaching the kids, and training them in the way that they should go.  In all things in life, be in education, spiritual, and the basics of living in today’s world.  I cannot do that while not being home 11 hours a day.  I believe the Bible teaches that the wife is to create a “home” and life – the hub of it all working.  I believe that the Bible teaches that while we cleave to our husbands, we care for our extended families and parents.  I cleaved to my husband, but my parents are now reaching the age in which I have to be more “there” in their care.

Secular: Mom’s right.  I paid $1300 a month in order to maintain a job and be away from home 11 hours a day.  Until this point in Poe’s career, I made more money, and I had the health insurance.  I was the main breadwinner, and not being that was not an option.  That’s not the case anymore.  In addition, quite frankly, during the course of this job, my migraines got worse, and I developed a small hernia, GERD, and two small ulcers.  I do not believe that this is a coincidence.  I juggled my job, my marriage, my kids, my parents (all the typical relational stuff) in addition to juggling kids’ illnesses, my own illnesses, my husband’s illnesses, my mother nearly dying several times in the last couple of years, my brother’s suicide, my birth mother’s death, school conferences, IEP conferences, pediatrician appointments, dental appointments, cardiologist appointments, school plays, and being the editor of the school newspaper.

Bottom line?  I’m simplifying.  I’m creating the life that I want.  I’m 33 years old and wasn’t living the life that I wanted to live.  I am not an imbecile.  I know money is a reality.  But reality is also the fact that my kids and husband and parents need me.  That’s my reality.

I’m hoping this is it.  I’m hoping that now that it’s done, people will stop trying to make me justify my actions.  Actions speak louder than words, and my actions are saying a couple things.  My actions say I’m DONE.  My actions say that I am not a woman who can handle it “all.”  My actions say that I love my family more than my supposed “career.”  Yes, I was told that I loved my career more than my family at one point.  DUDE!  I was an assistant!  What career?  I did it!  I left!  and now I get to live my life, instead of subsisting weekend to weekend.

Do I think all women should be home with their families?  Actually, yes.  Yes I do.  I think that’s the ideal.  I really think the woman, the wife, the mother is the hub of all that happens in the home.  Do I think all women can?  Hell no!  I certainly couldn’t for the last ten years.  Are we suddenly independently wealthy?  Hell no!  We’re going to need to cut some things out of our life to actually make it.  That’s why I’ve started my business.  I want to be able to put money away for other things, such as retirement, vacations, and savings for the kids.

Let’s bottom line it.  I am not an idiot for leaving my job.  I wish people would stop trying to make me feel as though I am.  And also?  I need to forgive myself for not attaining it “all” as I was taught to have.  I was taught to go to school, and have a career, and have a career and a family.  To be a success first, and then have a family.  All you need is an education and a good career.  The family thing sort of happens on the sidelines – a side dish to your life of having it all.  It’s an illusion.  “All” gave me ulcers.

Do I worry?  You BET I worry.  Poe could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and then where will I be?  But when I brought that up?  All he said was, “Michele, if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know what you’ll do?  You’ll do what you have to do.  So let’s live now.”  I love that man.

The Smaller Picture of Today’s Politics

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What I have to say may seem vague, and circular.  It may make no sense at all.  In fact, I’m not sure I have the words to express the emotions behind it.  But I want to get it out of my head, and this is the best way I know how to do it.

As we all have witnessed, there is ugliness in the “masses” in terms of this election cycle, candidates, and propositions on the table.  I wrote about it a bit before.

Now it’s personal.  Because I just realized that someone I respect, if they truly knew how I feel, and what I feel, finds me evil and bigoted.  Now that I know that, I don’t know that I can associate with her anymore.   Not because of how she feels about these issues, but because of what she would feel about me. This person is more than an acquaintance, but not an actual friend.  One of those in between people.  And yet?  It hurts me greatly.

Before these elections, I – and I imagine, many people like me – maybe didn’t get too involved in political machinations.  They probably voted the party line, because they knew that in general, they were of that political affiliation.  But this election, I feel people are more passionate, and more educated, and are actively seeking out that information.  They’re vocal.  They’re expressive.  And there is judgment.

But regardless of who wins the election, and what props pass and don’t…  We then have to live our lives.  and the smaller picture – those people in our lives right now – the small microcosm we actually live, eat and breathe in.  And frankly, I believe that this election has caused large rifts.  Rifts between families, colleagues, friends.  We’ve all had to delve deep into what we feel and why.  We have this constant need to defend our views and our choices.  That’s going to come to roost.  It already has started.

I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to have a lighthearted conversation with this person again.  Because she thinks I’m evil.  I so very much want to show this person why I feel the things I do.  What path I took to get there.  What I’ve seen in my life to shape my choices.  Basically, defend myself.  I won’t.  I won’t talk to her about it.  She has her opinions for a reason.  She is passionate about that, and I respect that, so I won’t draw her into a debate that neither of us will win.  It’ll just create more hurt.  And those reasons place me in a category of persons that she does not feel holds her same moral code.  I’m not judging her for this.  I see how and why and where it comes from.  She has made her stance clear, and concise.

Regardless…  This makes me terribly sad.  Because I’ve lost something valuable there.

So my question becomes, how do we as a country on down to the next door neighbor continue to cohabitate after this election?  How?  I certainly don’t have the answers.  That’s why I’m asking the question.  That’s my main concern.  I would think most voters, by now, know who they’re voting for.  So – even though we don’t know the outcome, it’s a done deal.  So now I’m growing very concerned about how we come together to live peacefully with one another in the aftermath.

Pondering

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I feel like I want to write, and I just don’t know what to write.

I could tell you that I’m anxious to be home.  November 21st is a long way off.

I could tell you that I’m sick of this election and wish to be on the other side and know the outcome and move on.  Oh yeah – and not walk on eggshells around nearly every person I know.  This election has made polite conversation caustic.

I could tell you about my recent posts at Butterviews.

I could tell you I have a big announcement coming up – I just don’t know launch date for sure, yet.

I maybe might be writing for Blissfully Domestic.  Not sure about that yet.  And of course, I’m at Blog Nosh as well.  Not linking ’cause of recent relaunches – not sure that they’re 100% up and running.

I’m just…  feeling a little aimless, both online and off.  I’m reigning it in, but I don’t want this lethargy to turn into something more… I don’t know.  Depressive?  Oppressive?

Anyway – this is my way of checking in.

Reason for the Quiet

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I know I’ve been quiet.  Very very quiet.

Why?

I’ve been thinking.  Debating.  Arguing.  Arguing with God.  More debating.  More thinking.

It’s no secret that I want to come home, that I think my calling is in the home, and that I’ve really had a hard time not being able to fulfill what I think I should be doing.

Today?  I quit my job.  Actually, I put in notice – my last day will be late November.  My hopes are that we’ll be able to train someone to replace me in that time (the wheels of HR move very slowly.)

I’m exhilarated and terrified and my head is pounding and I’m nervous, scared, anxious, what if…  what if… what if…  but know…  The deep down know…  that I’m doing what’s right for me and my family.  I’ve told my boss.  HR has been contacted.

I will be doing freelance projects and stuff.  From home (HA!), which will hopefully gear up in earnest in January.

Wow.

But the reason for the quiet was the internal debate and questioning.  I had to go inward for a bit to determine what I needed to do, what God wanted me to do, and what my family needed for me to do, and how to then make that all work together both mentally and financially.

The most immediate benefit though?  Spending more than an hour a day with my children.

Change.

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I hate it.  Change.  I’m terrible at it.

At the same time, if a decision is made, I want it done.  I don’t want little steps.  I don’t want the transition.  I just want it done.

I’m lucky.  I have this man, Poe, my husband…  When I say I want to do something he always backs me up 100%.  I know a lot of people don’t have that.

But I also know that now is not the right time.  I don’t have the necessary steps in place.  To make the changes now would be incredibly immature, just because I want it done.  Sucks to be a grownup.

I feel as though I’m on this huge precipice.  All around me is sky and horizon.  All I have to do is jump.  But I have to wait for the sign – the sign that says, “Now.  Now you jump.”

I just hope that I recognize the voice.

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