Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Fitting Pieces Together

By 7 Comments

I dropped a bomb and dissappeared.  Mainly, I just needed to process.

On the blogging front, I’m headed to SXSW this weekend. I feel like I should have backed out considering I have to pay for food – and I just dipped into the student loan payment for groceries this week.  But.  My sponsors took care of the big costs, and both my parents and Poe said that I need to get my business cards out there and mingle.  They’re right.  It just seems like the wrong time to go.  Not to mention I’ll have a roommate.  A perfectly nice stranger.  I know of her, but have never met her.  The problem lying in the fact that I’ve never ever had a hotel roommate before.  My neurosis is worried.

I haven’t had the time to write at Blissfully Domestic or edit at Blog Nosh.  I’m afraid my bosses are going to drop me.

I was on a conference call yesterday with Maria Shriver in regards to the We Connect program, which I’ll be writing about here at some point.

On the home front…  Well…  I’m getting used to having my husband here.  All.The.Time.  There’s a lot of togetherness.  In theory, that’s good.  In practice, I’m having a hard time getting into the groove of a new routine.

We applied for unemployment.  We got a letter stating what our benefits would be.  Then we got another letter that he has to participate in an interview about it.  The last week of March.  He lost his job the last week of February.  We’ve yet to see a cent.  No income.  And we’re waiting on our tax refund, which we’ll be living off of.  This is not good.  Not a nibble yet on his resume.

I don’t want to go back to work outside the home.  I don’t.  My coming home was the best thing that ever happened to this family.  Everyone was thriving.  But I just don’t know how long we can hold on.

The only good news was that I tracked down a bit about Cobra in the new recovery act signed.  I then tracked down a federal labor employee in Washington.  Basically, even though there’s no paperwork in place as of yet (they have 60 days to come up with practices based on the bill) we’ll only need to pay 35% of our Cobra payment.  This is a huge relief, as it means we won’t have to lose medical coverage.

We’ll probably default on Poe’s student loan.  We called and they said that we have no deferments left, and there’s nothing they can do for us.  So.  There’s the credit we built for 10 years down the toilet.

Sigh.

I’m trying to hold it together.  But life kind of sucks right now.

Welcome to the Economy

By 12 Comments

Three posts in one day.  That may be a record.

Announcement:  My husband, Poe as you know him here, came home today with his box of belongings in hand.  Yes, he was laid off.  No, there was no inkling ahead of time at all.

That makes two unemployed people in the household.

There have been tears.

I feel myself going into fix it super project assistant mode (cue superhero theme music.)  Which is good – I’m good in a crisis.  But seeing as this here is my journal it seems only fair that I warn you that whining may be ahead.  Also ahead, posting of Poe’s resume (hey – you never know!) and upping the marketing of Vineyard Virtual Services as well.  Please be patient with me.  And maybe gentle and kind as well.

Things are a little raw.  There’s the money, yes.  But well – money’s money.  The more stressful tidbit is that we have a heart patient who will have surgery in the house (Logan) and no medical insurance as of today.  The ax came down hard.

It seems stupid now, but Poe and I talked about it.  I’m still going to SXSW.  The networking possibilities for my business are countless, and since he can now take me to and from the airport (ahem) the only costs will now be food and gratuities thanks to the fact that I won the trip.  Thank you Wal-Mart.  Let’s face it – my business is a service, and I need to get it in front of the eyes of the people who can use it.

So.  If you’re the praying sort, I have a few specific requests:

1.  That I don’t lose it.  I cannot lose it.  I need to remain calm and functional.

2.  That Logan has no immediate issues that need attending to.

3.   That Poe keeps his self confidence intact, which is so necessary for the interviewing process, not to mention as a man.

4.  That we are good stewards of what we have, and that our physical needs are met.

5.  That the family remains healthy and whole, both physically and emotionally.

My thanks in advance.

Heavy Hearts

By 2 Comments

There are some changes happening in my family.  Mainly due to some spiritual fighting my husband is doing.  That’s not really my story to tell.  But it is hard for me to watch him struggle.  Although I believe the changes in store for him will make him a better man, husband, and father.

Plus, we watched Fireproof, and he came to me and told me to get the books.  He wants to do the Love Dare with me.  I was shocked.  It’s not normally his thing.  But we are.  And there are those changes.

Plus, he’s struggling at work.  Basically, they changed the structure, and he’s expected to do two full time jobs – without overtime.  It’s not working.  We’ve talked both about how he can present the problem to his management, and also how to manage the jobs in the meantime (I administer, it’s what I do – so I’m able to help him structure things.)  But he was thisclose to quitting.  Which, of course, sent me into panic mode, because the business is not close to being self sufficient yet – not to mention health insurance, this economy for finding another job, etc.

So basically, he’s introducing changes all around.  Refining ones.  Ones that in the long run would be wonderful, and great, and fulfilling.

But oh so painful and uncomfortable to get through to the other side on.

So I’m struggling.  With my own fears and anxieties.  With how to help and support him.

It’s certainly a long road, isn’t it?

PMS Sucks

By Leave a Comment

I’m mad today.  I want to smash things.  I want to tell people, like my children and husband, what I really really think in my head.

This is NOT a clean room!  This goes HERE like every other 4 billionth time I told you!  Can you NOT unscrunch the clothes when you take them off?  What is so difficult about putting the game IN THE CASE!?  What is that SMELL?!  Hello?  Who taught you how to drive, moron!  I AM NOT THE MAID. But it’s all shrieked in my head like a freakin’ banshee on PMS…  wait a minute…

And I check my mon.thly (aside – love that thing) calendar, and huh.  I’m not particularly regular but it notes that I’m probably 1 week and 3 days away.  And then I realize I’m not actually insane.  Just hormonal.

Don’t cross me for the next three days.

So now what do you think of me

By 2 Comments

I thought I would share a fact about me that you may not know about.

I have no sympathy.

I should probably expound on that, huh?

I think perhaps it has to do with my background.  More about my life in greater detail can be found around the blog.  It’s my journal after all.  But the short part is…  abandoned as a child, abuse, rape, homelessness, drug abuse, recovery, miscarriage…

So.  When various horrific things have happened to me in life, I’ve had to deal with it.  Everyone does.  In the case of pretty much all of the really bad stuff – other than my miscarriage – I had to deal with it by myself.  Alone.  No help and no support.  Two examples for you:  When my mom started taking care of me after Jeannette left, she requested I call her “mommy”.  About two weeks after Jeannette left.  Obviously there wasn’t a lot of understanding there about how I might be feeling about everything.  I believe my response was, “but you’re not.”  But I knew I couldn’t go to her about missing my mommy.  Another example.  When I decided to quit drugs, I was alone.  Knew no one at the dorm I was living in.  Didn’t even know that there might be substance abuse programs available to me there.  Shoot – I didn’t even know how to find the grocery store (I was living in a new city.)  So.  I went through methamphetamine detox (heard of the “D.T.’s”?) alone in my dorm room.  Who was I going to tell, or ask for help?

Another portion of my background was that mom and my grandma were both ill, and were in and out of the hospital for my entire life.  So, living with illness was a daily thing.  Period.  There is no choice but to move on with life.

Here I am.  I’ve gotten through it all.  I have a family.  I love them.  I’m kind, in that I’m generous, courteous, and think of others.  I’m very blunt, and tell you how it is – I’m tactful, but very realistic.

But I’m terribly unsympathetic.   It actually helps in a lot of situations.  My father will come over all verklempt because my mother is sick (again.)  My response is:  Did you do this?  That?  The other thing?  And she’s reacting how?  Ok, better go to the hospital.  Or if this happens call me right away.    There is no sympathy.  You just get stuff done.  My callousness came in rather handy when Dad couldn’t get mom to come around when she seemed unconcious.  So I went in and smacked her around.  No, really.  He couldn’t do it so I did.  I smacked her around, and that made her conscious enough to tell me a little about what was going on.  Bottom line?  I needed to know if I needed to get her oxygen, heart meds, or if it was something else.  In that case I determined she needed to be in the hospital, that she didn’t need oxygen, and that it wasn’t her heart.  I was right.  She was drifting into a diabetic coma – she’d never been diagnosed as diabetic.

But getting through the hard stuff, and getting other people through the hard stuff has made me hard.    Get up, dust off, and plow through.  Guess what?  Life sucks.  Trust me when I say that I know.

But I love.  I certainly love.  And I caretake.  And oh!  Oh how I care!

But I do not coddle.  I will not hand hold.  I cannot do the work for you.

So if you call in your grief, I will probably say that I’m sorry – and then ask you if you’ve filed the death certificate yet, and did you call Aunt Edna, and have you picked a grave site?  If you call, and you’re sick, I’ll say I’m sorry, and then ask why you’re calling me when you should be in bed.  If you wet the bed, you’ll be told it’s not your fault, I love you, accidents happen, now move so I can change your bed.   If you’ve lost your baby, I’ll tell you I’m sorry, and I love you.  And then I’ll make sure there’s enough food in the house, the laundry’s done, and the physical ramifications are taken care of, ’cause really, who wants to buy pads at a time like that?  I make things happen.

I’ve been known to say, “Do you just need me to listen, or do you want me to solve this?”  Because I know that sometimes you just need to have someone listen.  And sometimes you simply need help.  And sometimes you need both.

I lost my programming to discern the difference at four years of age.  I need to ask to know what’s needed of me.  Otherwise, your house will be damn clean, your legal work will be audit ready, and you’ll be fed for a year.  But the burden on your heart might not be relieved.

So, I’ve been told I’m cold.  I’m heartless.  I’m cruel.  I’ve told myself that.  I don’t know how to fix that.  I’ve fixed everything else.  But I can’t seem to fix that.  I don’t think you can learn how to be sympathetic when it’s been taken away from you.

Recent Comments