My apologies to anyone who has a delicate constitution…  But this week has been a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

Let’s see, where to begin?

To give the week context, for this entire week I’ve been working with a new client.  I’ve been working with them for a while, but this week was the largest scale project I’ve done with them thus far.  I’ve got to get three men to two different cities on both coasts in the next two weeks.  Plus their 20 some odd meetings with Very Important People.  One man is in all of them, and it’s a crapshoot if the other two are in the meetings.  Which means I’m doing their travel arrangements, plus arranging the schedules of 23 individuals.  Can I do it?  Yes, I can.  It’s why I’m a damn great assistant.  However, it is time consuming and frustrating.  And today’s the last work day before the first trip – and I’ve been working on this all week.

ON TOP OF THAT, which I have to do GREAT so I don’t lose the client (remember my husband’s unemployed?) all of this happened this week alone.

My husband had major dental surgery.  For some genetic reasons, Poe had every single one of his teeth pulled.  At once.  And got dentures.  At the same time.  Of course I had to be there to drive him home, and then care for him after something so majorly traumatic.  And the surgery took triple the time they said it would, which means I was completely panicked.  He doesn’t respond well to anesthesia, and it was bloody and gory and full of really powerful medications.  Ultimately, the kids spent the night at my best friend’s so they wouldn’t have to witness it.  On a school night for one of them, which of course presents it’s own ramifications.  That was Monday.  It’s now Friday, and he’s doing much better, taking less of the medications, and seems to be healing well in his incisions.  His dentures still aren’t fitting quite right, so he goes back for another fitting today.  Which makes two in three days.  So he’s definitely not up to par as of yet, and eating is a significant challenge.  I continually ask him to say “sixty six” because I’m evil.  No not really, it’s because he needs to learn how to talk again.

Also this week?  A power outage.  Which means I had no router.  Which means I couldn’t access the internet.  Which means I couldn’t work during this big client project.  Luckily it only lasted a couple of hours.

And then?  My computer died.  Due to a Microsoft general update.  Luckily I was able to use a restore point to get it back.

And then? My iPhone started fritzing.  I fixed it (an app was apparently pissed off.)  Annoying, since that’s my connection to the outside work world when my computer doesn’t work (see above.)

Somewhere in here my oldest lost another tooth, and a visit from the tooth fairy was in order.  Thank goodness I didn’t screw that up too.

Also in there is a kid in his last full week of school with ants in his pants in the midst of a major allergy attack, plus a kid who’s out for summer vacation which makes working SO MUCH EASIER.  That was sarcasm.

And finally, yesterday…  My mom and dad came home from Las Vegas where they were taking my aunt to the doctor (or were until she canceled the appointment making the trip unnecessary but they were already there). And my mother came home, got her pertinent stuff with my and Poe’s help, and then she went back into the hospital.  God I’ve got a great husband.  This is the third time he’s carried her to the car for a trip to the hospital (my dad’s had back surgery.)  She’s bleeding again.  For no known reason, and they can’t find the source.  Again.  She’s still there.  They’re giving her a unit of blood as I write, and then she’ll be having another endoscopy.  Her 13th.  Because they’re sure they’ll find something this time.

And today, I can’t be at the hospital because I have to finish this client work.  Because I am responsible, and they’re counting on me, and so are my other clients.  And then Poe has another dentist appointment,  and I’ll have Joseph.  And then we have to go to an end of school picnic, because it’s important to Logan.  While I field random calls from my father about inconsequential things because my mom isn’t terribly coherent and he’s bored and scared all at the same time.

Provided nothing drastic happens in the meantime, we’re going camping a week from Tuesday, and then I have a girl’s weekend in Palm Springs with my best friend and some friends from high school.  I’m not sure when I’ve needed a vacation more.  And today?  I really really really need to not be asked for more of me.  I’m not sure how much I have left to give.  I’m on empty.

Today is another, new day. After a full night’s sleep, I’m not feeling as desperate. Things are still just as bad, but I’m not feeling as hopeless about it all.

My mother, last I heard, should be coming home today. Poe shall be having major dental surgery next week. Joseph finishes school this week. Logan is back at school with open house tomorrow. My clients’ work is getting accomplished. My to do list is just as long, but I’m not doing too well physically so I’m learning to say “that’s not getting done today.” I even said no to a volunteer thing for school.

While our life is still a shambles for the moment, I’m in a much better mental space.

It’s 5:15am.  I think I got to sleep around 3am.  My dad called us at 12:30am to help with my mother.  She doesn’t look good.  She’s in the hospital again.  I couldn’t sleep.

And now?  It has to be done.  Hopefully it will be cathartic.  BlogHer, my advertising network, sent me a rather gentle email basically saying I haven’t written in two weeks.  They have to do what they have to do as advertisers, and now I need to do whatever it is I need to do, because sometimes, everyone needs a break.  It was a very gentle reminder, but it did make me ask, “What’s keeping me from writing?”  Anger.  Resentment.  Rage.  Fear.  Disappointment.  Anxiety.  A nice little dash of desperation for flavor.  I’m pissed off at the world and just about everything in it.  So I’m just going to spew everything I’m upset with in list form.

Politics.  I’m pissed off.  But I’m not allowed to be pissed off without being labeled a right wing, secret militia, fringe right, obviously one of those Christian, racists.  With a gun, obviously.  Yes, I’m conservative.  Yes, I disagree with almost all the decisions our current president has made.  While I’m not a tea-party member per se, I do agree with many of the tenants they stand for.  Are some of them loony?  Absolutely.  There are some liberal loonies too, so I don’t quite understand why loonies on either side are any big deal.  It’s the law of averages.  I think it’s kind of sad when you fear voicing your opinion.  I’m pissed off that I don’t feel more brave.  On the other hand, I’ll make myself counted with my vote, so I’m not sure it matters.

Also?  I’m pissed at Logan.  Not at Logan himself, but the fact that his body decided to get a nasty cold.  Believe me it’s an inconvenient time, because someone needs to be here at home with him.  As an aside?  He was on some pretty heavy children’s cold medicine yesterday.  At lunch time, “Soup sick to make better feel?”  Then the knock-knock jokes started.  His getting high turns him into a comedic Yoda.

Joseph.  He’s done nothing but be Joseph.  He’s not doing badly.  But because he IS Joseph, and it’s the last week of school for him (BUT not Logan’s, because that would make things too EASY) I have to attend an IEP meeting today to plan the next school year.  At 9am.  On somewhere around 2 hours sleep.  While my unresponsive mother is in the hospital.  Alone, because Poe will be home with Logan.  Who’s sick.  Do you start to see the snowball?

Poe.  Why do I call him Poe?   I can’t remember.  Some privacy thing.  Now, Poe.  Poe is special.  12 years, I’ve loved this man.  And I’m about to spend my life retirement savings to fix his teeth.  Literally.  I just closed our 401Ks and IRAs.  I opened my first 401K with my first paycheck after high school.  Gone into his mouth.  Poof.  Of course he’s only getting 60%.  40% goes to taxes and penalties.  We now have gone through every single cent we ever had.  But he can’t interview without teeth.  And God knows, we’ve tried to fix them in the past to no avail.  He simply has bad teeth.

Unemployment SUCKS.  He’s unemployed.  Still.  And I was anticipating the unemployment check yesterday to deposit to buy groceries.  ‘Cause I am such a rebel.  But instead, it was another claim notice.  Because my freakin’ husband forgot to sign the effing form he just sent in.

And seriously, economy?  You suck.  Poe is a good man.  Poe is a smart man.  Poe is a hard working man who worked nights, went to school mornings, and took over the kids in the afternoons for two years to get a degree in the work he loved.  And now he can’t find a job.

My body.  We’ve been on a pretty stringent healthy diet, and working out pretty hard.  It’s been 3 weeks.  Pounds lost to date?  1.  1.  1!?

Period?  #suckit.

To recap:

Unemployed, still, going on 16 months.  Mother in middle of the night hospital run (still haven’t heard.)  Have to go to IEP on 2 hours sleep, alone.  Then Poe has a dental consult leaving me alone with sick kid, and clients!  We have no money.  Poe’s about to have dental surgery.  I’m pissed off at the world.  Oh, and I might be on my period.

Still here?

Finally, I’m mad at God.  Because seriously.  Last night, after my husband carried my mother to the car for my dad to drive her to the hospital…  Her joints frozen in place, unable to communicate, I got into bed.  I just asked point blank, “Where exactly did You want me to start?”  I’ve already asked what I’m supposed to be learning from all this.  I’ve already asked to be shown the lesson.  I haven’t found it yet.  Do i feel His presence?  No.  My brain says He’s walking with me, due to what I’ve read in scripture.  I don’t feel it.  Scripture says He hears our call.  I don’t feel it.  I don’t even feel like I’m being told to wait, or be patient, or wait on God’s timing.  Just…  Nothing.

We’re in this vast time of awfulness.  I read on another blog (which I don’t read regularly, and so in my addled state, I’m not going to go hunting for) that everyone has an annus horibus (which is Latin and I’m sure I totally butchered it since I’m not looking at her blog.)  Basically, every one has a year.  The one year everyone can look back, point to, and say That!  That was my no-good, horrible, very bad year.  We’re smack dab in the middle of ours, and I’m having trouble seeing anything but an oncoming train at the end of the tunnel.

I haven’t been around the blog in a while.  I keep avoiding the issue.  I keep saying to myself, “I don’t want to whine about the same old stuff.”  That’s bullshit.  I’m censoring myself.  It’s a combo deal.  I found out some family is reading.  I’ve been concentrating on work stuff.  And I have wanted to avoid politics after the spanking I received from some people via email during the election period basically saying that I was entitled to my opinion but that my opinion was wrong and therefore I’m an evil person.  SO.

I’m going to be making a concerted effort.  I’m going to write.  Even if it’s due to a manufactured prompt.  I won’t cross certain lines – mainly some familial lines.  But if politics is pissing me off, I’ll say why.  Because this is my journal and I don’t have to be fair.  I don’t have to show impartiality.  I do not claim to be a journalist.  I write.  I am a writer.  I’m earning my living writing.  But I don’t claim to be a journalist.  If something is cropping up, and my religious beliefs (and therefore many of my morals) start blinking little red *danger* lights in my head, I want to say something.

I’m tired of being scared of others’ opinions of me.

I’m tired of being scared that someone will be mad at me.

I’m tired of being scared that someone will be mean or call me names.

Another blogger wrote some things that were very clarifying for me.  When I get my act together in some sort of comprehensible manner, I’ll write about it, and her post.

I need to consider this a fresh start.

This probably means I’m going to redesign the site.  Sigh.