Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

At What Point Do I Get To Lose It?

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So, I lose at NaBloPoMo. I really did try, and then real-life kicked my ass in ways I’ve been unable or unwilling to talk about to this point.

First, my parents decided to usurp my parental authority. THAT WAS FUN. That’s a new dynamic I’m not used to – they’re usually very good at letting us be parents, and letting them be grandparents, and not blurring that line. It’s a pretty significant line seeing as how they’re together with the kids a lot, and we live right next door, so boundaries in the relationship are important.

So Thanksgiving. Yeah. My parents were no-shows. So, that was fun. Because of my mother’s health issues, AND my mother’s mental health issues, I have no idea if “mom’s sick” is actually, “mom’s sick,” or if it’s “we’re pissed off at you and so we’re going to pull the martyr/passive aggressive card to punish you.” Because my emotional maturity surpassed theirs about a decade ago, I truly, truly do not know which is the case. Yes, my mother is very aggressively ill. But has been so for the last 6 years. And because of her alzheimer’s she has a tendency to revert to past behavior (ie what made my difficult childhood difficult) there’s really no telling. I feel like a total bitch for not taking “mom’s sick” at face-value, but there it is.

Topping that – I made end of life arrangements for her on behalf of my father. Nothing like saying, “Yeah, she could go tonight. Or she could go 5 years from now. What do I do?”

And then Poe didn’t get an important promotion he really wanted, and I lost a client. I didn’t totally lose it, so I’m making progress in terms of how financial security plays a role in my own anxiety. But! The person he relieves is leaving and he’s stepping into the role, so it looks like he might be getting an inadvertent promotion anyway which is a good thing. It hasn’t happened yet, so we don’t know for sure, but if it happens, that’s a good thing for us.

And finally the big one.

I don’t talk too much, anymore, about my kids on my blog. At a certain point, their stories become theirs, and my mentioning them is really an invasion of privacy. I’m not totally sure where the lines are actually drawn, so I’ve just been going with my gut. But the latest “episode” in the saga of Joseph has really effected me, and so I’m sharing. Technically, he had 3 diagnoses. ADHD Inattentive Type, Social Anxiety, and “Mood Disorder.” The mood disorder was really depression – except that he didn’t fall into the time constraints to be diagnosed as such.

Well… Until he expressed suicidal thoughts.

There’s nothing quite like the gut-punch that is a 12 year old wanting to commit suicide because he feels like he’s too much of a burden to you.

He, however, has a tremendous team around him, and quite frankly, good parents who give a shit. And so, with further talking and testing, he’s no longer diagnosed with “Mood Disorder” but with Clinical Depression. We think it was probably always there, but a more mild form. Enough that his current medication helped with it (although he’s on it for other reasons). But puberty has hit with a vengeance, and we think that’s what finally tipped the scales into full blown Clinical Depression. Since his issues are of a brain chemistry variety, and Clinical Depression has to do with brain chemistry as well, adding hormones to the mix just blew the whole thing up.

He is safe – always was between us and the team – thank God. But as his mom… Dear God. A burden? God. We are, actually, very careful with our words around here. Always honest, but always, ALWAYS with the knowledge that words wound, and especially wound people with sensitivity and anxiety issues.

I’m so glad he was born to us, as opposed to anyone else in our families. Our families are rife with mental illness ranging from anxiety to Depression to BiPolar Disorder. Our family is rife with suicides. But also – our family is rife with not speaking about it, not getting help, not medicating where actually necessary, ignoring the symptoms, and labeling as “Bad.” I thank God that Poe and I decided we were not going to continue on our families’ path. It means we’re pretty much ignored and ostracized. Too much truth telling is scary for them.

But if we weren’t who we are? If we didn’t make that decision? Would Joseph be dead?

While I’m am grateful for us and his team catching it fast, and I’m grateful there is help for him, and I’m grateful we don’t stick our heads in the sand…

Some days I just want to scream. I want to scream and bury my head and not get out of bed. I want to get drunk and forget everything. I want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone or anything.

I can’t do that.

I’m responsible.

I care.

I advocate.

And everyone else expects that from me too.

But really… At what point do I get to lose my shit?

Voting Day

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Today is voting day in the United States of America. While votes happen annually or more for local/state etc… This is the big kahuna – the 4 year Presidential election.

I live in California. There are a few initiatives on the ballot that I think are “heavy hitters.” I was a little bothered that I didn’t even know they were up for anything until I read my voter information. I was surprised at the lack of publicity over the potential changes to the three-strike law, or the freakin’ death penalty. I mean, c’mon. Regardless of your actual stance on the subject, “do we execute these criminals or not” or “dude, do we kill ’em” might be important. Just sayin’.

Anyhoo… If you have the right to vote? Use it. If you don’t, you have no right to complain, and you’ve just shown your ignorance. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. If you’re given some sort of say and don’t use it? You negate your ability to complain about the results. I don’t necessarily like everything about how the system works (for example, I believe we should get rid of the electoral college), but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to vote. I consider it a privilege, exercising my right, and a duty as an American. If I want my governmental body a certain way, than I have to use the legal device I’m given. If the rest of populace doesn’t vote my way, at least the hope is that the governmental body will reflect the wishes of the majority of the people of the country even if they’re all wrong.

The folks who don’t vote because it’s inconvenient? “I can’t get off work,” or “I work nights,” etc? No excuse. That’s why we can vote by mail. Poe works nights. He will be asleep, or at the very least not coherent, during the times the polls are open. So, instead, he votes by mail. I work from home (which doesn’t mean my time is my own – the clients expect me at the computer doing the work I’m being paid for). I have two kids. My elderly folks are next door. And? We have odd emergencies other folks don’t seem to have. Such as yesterday when my father came over in a panic ’cause he lost mom. Yes, really. Because I truly never know what to expect around here? I vote by mail.

The folks who don’t vote for reasons like, “it’s one of two evils,” or “I’m Libertarian and my guy will never win” simply don’t fly for me. Awwwwww, boo-hoo-hoo. Figure it out. You’re whining. Be an adult. Which leads me to another opinion.

I think a great majority of folks would agree with the above. But I also think you should REALLY VOTE HOW YOU FEEL. If you truly believe in the Libertarian party, then vote for Gary Johnson. If you truly feel Ron Paul is the choice for you, because he lines up most with your beliefs, then write him in. If you settle for voting for one of the “big guys” because you feel that’s the only way your vote will count, you’re not exercising your rights, you’re settling. I think that if more people would vote how they truly feel, that’s when REAL change would start. I personally am voting for one of the “big guys,” but that’s because I think one of them is the right answer for this election. I’m not settling. If I felt Ron Paul was the dude, that’s who I’d vote for, and let the chips fall where they may, because that’s how I think it should work. True, my guy might not win THIS election. But what if everyone started voting on their true beliefs and gut? What would happen? Would it upset the apple cart? Probably. But would the will of the people have spoken? Yes.

I figure this late in the game you already know what’s on the ballot and where your polling place is so I don’t have to smack you on the back of the head. But here’s a couple of places they’ll be tracking results if you need it:

Have your say. Exercise your rights. Be an adult. Be an American. Vote.

How to Abdicate Parenting Responsibility (and Have it Ridiculed on the Internet)

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I nearly forgot I was doing NaBloPoMo. That doesn’t bode well for the rest of the month.

Today’s post features me ranting about someone else’s parenting. Call it Parenting, You’re Doing It Wrong. One of the things I do in my professional life is provide advice in different categories via Skype. I do it through a service. I’m editing the below to remove the service, and make the idiot anonymous. The category this came through was parenting school aged kids. Also, I’m putting the rest below the fold – GRAPHIC WARNING: The discussion of sex (in the context of parenting) follows.

Here are my own opinions on the matter, before I post the discussion.

  • To parent a child, you must address all matters, even icky ones. Not to do so is a disservice to your child.
  • Sex, to some is icky and embarrassing. Even to parents. So what? Just because you feel embarrassed by the conversation doesn’t mean ignorance is appropriate.
  • Your morals, household rules, and religion does NOT negate the responsibility you have to your child. In fact, it heightens it, because not only do you have to have to make sure your child understands the world around them, you also have to provide context and what the mores of your beliefs are.
  • Not giving your child scientific, biological information about their reproductive system, puberty, sex, pregnancy, and STDs could be life threatening to your child.
  • Not giving your child emotional, relational, moral, and religious (if you are) information in regards to sex and pregnancy is irresponsible, and potentially emotionally and mentally damaging to your child.
  • Not giving your child information about subjects they WILL run into for the rest of their life is irresponsible and unforgivably ignorant.
  • Not talking to your child about these subjects because you’re embarrassed is selfish and immature.
  • Not talking to your child about these subjects because they’re embarrassed is thinking like a friend (a bad one) instead of as a parent.
  • Regardless of subject matter, breaking house rules is subject to consequences. For that not to be the case lacks discipline, and gives an example to your child that what they do doesn’t matter. Even though my kids have special needs, and break house rules honestly because of them, rather than disobedience/disrespect, does not mean there aren’t consequences. It just means we take everything into consideration.
  • It is okay to have your child learn from another source, should the other source be more knowledgeable. Examples include giving them books on other subjects, or enrolling them in a class (in fact I know a teacher on the subject!) But that DOES NOT MEAN you get to abdicate responsibility for talking to them.
  • Just because you believe, or your religious scripture dictates, that something is wrong, does NOT MEAN they will not face the issue. Therefore YOU need to face the issue.
  • Finally… If you don’t give them the information, they will find it from other sources. ALWAYS.

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The Benefits of Silence

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I know the blog has been silent. I make no apologies for it. It stems from two things. One, unless I’m really riled up about something, when I’m contemplative or struggling, I go inward. I have to work it out inside. And when I mean inward, I mean in all ways. On the blog, on Facebook, with my friends and acquaintances I see in “real” life, etc. It wasn’t always this way. My blog really is my journal, and I’ve treated it as such. Two, I have a larger audience now. I don’t mean audience as in “My Adoring AUDIENCE” (although I hope you are one), I mean in more of a personal sense. Family has found my blog. While they remain silent about it, I’m not stupid, am technologically more advanced than some of them, and I know they are there because I know where to look. And my children will probably read it eventually. While I don’t mind them reading struggles I’ve had in raising them, as I am a human being, and raising children is a struggle, as they are human beings as well – that’s just reality – They are getting older now. Their stories, as often as I may want to share them, are THEIR stories. They are less symbiotic with me, and starting to travel their own roads, and I don’t want to present their stories, I want them to, eventually. I don’t let them on the internet at home yet, however, they do use the computers at school, and at home with my supervision for school, so their reality (literally and figuratively) is important to me. And so. I only write here when I want to and feel the urge to say something. Our current living situation is very same ‘ol, same ‘ol. Same lack of funds. Still working on the business and Poe’s opportunity. The kids have the same special needs with no outstanding issues to face. So I must feel led and prompted to write.

I know that blogging is now “Blogging – the Business.” It wasn’t always that way. It all started out as online journals. There was no software, although people did create graphics and give them out free to the journalers who were graphically impaired, such as myself. We wrote the html code by hand in notebook, or another text editor. We hand coded the “next” and “previous” and archives. We uploaded it to our free 10 mgs of server space given to us on our AOL or other isp accounts. They were real journals. Commenting didn’t exist, but people would email their comments. Eventually, that led to “Web-logging” or “weblogging,” which was a more of a “here’s what I did today real quick” instead of a long journal entry (kind of like a personal slightly larger than 140 char. twitter). That eventually led to software/platforms that you see today, as well as the terms “blogging” and “blog.” In fact, there was quite a controversy at the time between the “online journalers” and the “webloggers” as to which was a more… authentic or true or “right” way to do it. Eventually, though, the controversy resolved itself because the two kind of melded. Although, personally, I feel that what we term as “blogging” today is more of what us online journalers did, and our Twitter and Facebook entries are now what “weblogging” was then.

I’ve been doing this online writing thing since 1995. For those counting at home, that’s 17 years. I’m 37 years old. That means I’ve been blogging/writing online almost half my life. Longer than my 12 & 10 year olds have existed. Longer than the 14 years I’ve been married. I’ve been around a while. I don’t look at blogging the same way as other folks do. I don’t look at my stats, really. In fact, when an opportunity comes my way and they ask about my stats? I pass it by. You know why? Because you’re judging me not by my content, but by how many folks look at my content. You’re judging me not by my sparkling personality, but by how many friends look at my sparkling personality. I used to care. I used to want to make a living at this thing. But a few too many “you’re not doing it rights,” and a few too many clique rejections from the “Big Blogs,” and I just don’t care anymore. Because I was doing this before you were. I’ll be doing it after you’re gone. When I write, it’s because I have something to say, not because I’m struggling to find something to say because I need to crank out so much content to live up to my obligations. The only obligation I currently have is my advertiser BlogHer. I have to write once a month to stay part of that program. While that doesn’t always happen (I’ve been known to get a “where are you” email or two), that’s an obligation I can live with.

You see, this isn’t business for me. This is my life. If I were to make money off it? I’d be fine with it! Ecstatic, in fact. But the fact that I’m not? Does not – I repeat NOT – negate the effort, and it doesn’t negate my life.

Guess what “blogging community?” I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. My stats don’t dictate my love of this medium. I do. And when you crash and burn because you equate your stats and “online worth” with the story of your life? I’ll still be here.

The moral of this story is… Unless you’re blogging for an actual business, or a blog on a very specific topic, live your life. Write your life in order to memorialize the story of your life for the future. Because you matter. I don’t care how many readers you have. I don’t care what your keywords are. I don’t care about your Alexa rating. I don’t care about that Klout standing thing. I care about if you’re telling your story, telling it authentically, telling it ethically, and growing (personally, not necessarily financially) from the experience. THAT’s the beauty of this blogging thing. THAT’s the reason the personal bloggers should be here. Because then if great things happen because of it, it’s gravy instead of the destination.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’re succeeding financially from the endeavor, I am happy for you! I am! And I truly hope that you enjoy doing it while you’re earning that living. I do not begrudge that, and I want you to succeed. What I am asking you to do, however, is remember yourself in the equation. Remember your worth just for being you. Your words matter because you thought them, not because someone read them. Pouring your heart out on your blog matters not because the keywords triggered traffic, but because of the internal process of pouring your heart out. In the midst of the blogging conferences, networking, social networking, “how to do it” panels, and the pitch emails, please, please remember that.

This. This is Limbo.

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We’re in limbo on Poe’s job – which is fine. We know when the next step is.

We’re in limbo with the kids. Joseph’s last day is this week, then Logan’s in 3 weeks, then Joseph starts summer school. It’s rather all over the place and feels like limbo – not to mention all the final conferences and such with 2, yes both, kids on IEPs. I dislike this time of year.

And finally. My mother has been deteriorating. So far, as far as the mind goes, she seems to not like me around too much. And she’s mean. In the last week, I’ve been told I’m too loud, I’m too tall, my hands are too big, and I’ve got large feet. I’m not sure why this is (actually I do – what I mean is why it’s presenting in that way). She’s acting normal with everyone else. I just take it for now. If she starts acting that way with the kids, we’ll have to take some action of some kind, such as reducing their time with her. I hate to see it come to that, but they’re a little too young to “take it.”

Things feel just… weird. It’s weird right now. Like something, or a bunch of things, are about to happen. Storm coming.

I hate limbo.

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