A lot has happened since I last updated… Let’s see… Jay might have news on his job next week. With what has been said, we can’t decide if their going to lay him off or promote him. Ambiguous is the best word I can use for the moment. I personally think they’ll promote him – and then he’ll be dancing with the big boys as far as work stress goes. But I’m hoping that his salary goes to match. Joseph lost his first tooth. Yes, the tooth fairy made a trip to see him. He was unsure, since he lost the actual tooth while he was at school, but I assured him that a note from his parents was sufficient. Now, for the heavy lifting… As I said in my previous entry, Joseph was seen by a psychologist who immediately diagnosed him as bipolar with ADD. We were leary of the diagnosis, after an hour of history with us, and never meeting Joseph himself. But, she wanted him on medication, which meant seeing a psychiatrist as well. For us, that also meant a second opinion. We had a meeting at school with the school psychologist, counselor, principal, and teacher. Since they were also leary of that diagnosis, we were confident that we were right in wanting a second opinion. In addition, they were very supportive of us, what we were doing, and very proactive about running interference with Joseph before he blows his top. The principal mentioned they may want to keep him back in Kindergarten another year. I do believe that this would be the year to do it if we do it at all, but the teacher was adamant that it’s not the time to think of it. She sincerely thinks that he will catch up. That was a relief. We’ll meet again, after Joseph is tested, in order to come up with an \”at school\” gameplan. So. We did indeed meet with a psychiatrist. He is much more conservative about a diagnosis, which I feel good about. There are many things that can lend itself to Joseph’s behavior and rages. He most particularly wants to rule out a seizure disorder immediately. So, we’ve run blood tests, which aren’t back yet, and I’ve a call in to the pediatrician to do a cat scan and EKG. After all the physical tests come in, then we’ll move on to the psychological tests, and then hopefully on to a diagnosis. If he is bipolar, so be it, and we’ll do what we need to do. But at least we’ll know we ruled everything else out. The psychiatrist spent a half hour talking with Joseph, and another hour and a half with me alone. I liked him. And he DID say that his raging behavior is WAY out of proportion for all the other factors (age, other behavior, etc.). We do have a wrinkle in all this stress. The in-laws are absolutely furious that we have not taken medication off the table. In addition, they’ve made it clear that all his problems are the result of my not being a stay-at-home mother, my mothering skills (or lack thereof), my lack of attention, etc. Oh, and if it is hereditary, of course, it’s my family. There are a lot of other things said, along with yelling, vicious emails etc. I won’t go into all the gory details except to say that my relationship with them is probably at an end, and Jay doesn’t want to communicate with them at all except to update them on the kids. At this point, if they want to visit with the kids, perhaps Jay will fly with them to their city. I see no reason that I need to associate with them. And truly, if I did, for the sake of Jay (they ARE his parents) and the kids (they ARE their grandparents), I don’t know how I would react with them in the same room knowing how they feel about me. I probably wouldn’t \”make waves\” however, I would probably get physically ill from holding it all in. It just isn’t a good situation. The bottom line is they chose to close their eyes to the situation, and when it came to a head, they acted surprised and lashed out with hate and blame. I mean, come on, they’ve never mentioned Logan’s heart condition once. Jay will tell them updates, and they just \”uh huh\” and then never mention it again. I wonder… The cardiologist thinks his transplant will be in 5 years. Think they’ll act the same way? Surprise and blame and hate? We’ve known, and let them know, about this since he was 2 days old. Something to think about. After all of this, Jay’s turned over a new leaf. He’s all of a sudden leading this family. The usual MO was I would wait, wait, wait, and then take over at the last minute when something needed to be done, ’cause it still needed to be done. His leading is really working for us, and it’s so nice to know he’ll handle certain things – and that he’ll actually do it. This is all new of course, but after almost 8 years, it’s really nice. Needles to say, all of this has been really stressful.

So. We talked to a child Psychologist. Joseph has a tentative diagnosis of bipolar disorder with ADD. Essentially – a brain chemistry problem. I think she said too much dopamine produced. We’re now awaiting an appointment with a child Psychiatrist to evaluate to confirm diagnosis and evaluate for medication, at which point we’ll return to the Psychologist for therapy as well. At this point I can’t think about the fact that it’s a for-life mental illness that if left unmedicated could eventually land him an insane asylum. I don’t want to think about it anymore right now. There’s nothing I can do that I’m not doing so I just am taking it one step at a time. In other news, the Santa Ana winds have hit. A transformer blew up (and THAT was fun to wake up to at 1am) – we don’t have power (I’m writing from work) and due to all the damage in the southland, no ETA on when we can expect power. There’s a 6 foot plate glass window shattered in our driveway – although we don’t know whose it is – it’s not ours. My dad’s backyard fence is gone. And there are two brush fires in my area, probably started by downed electrical lines and/or transformer explosions. Of course I bought my groceries yesterday. On top of it all I now have a zit on my eyelid. Can you say ouch? Who get’s zits on their eyelids??

We got Joseph a Psychologist! At least I think we do! Jay and I go in by ourselves tomorrow morning to give her a history – which reminds me, I’ve got to sit today and write down my observations of him so that I don’t forget. I get flustered and intimidated in doctor’s offices and forget some of the things I wanted to ask about. So, now I always write down all my symptoms and questions first so I don’t forget anything. This appointment has been 5 years coming so there’s a lot to write down. While there are a lot of problems & tension with the whole thing, I have to admit it’s gratifying to know that someone else sees what I see. That maybe he won’t \”grow out of it\”. That maybe it’s not \”a (5-year) phase\”. That maybe he DOES need intervention to keep him from going off the deep end and really hurting someone or himself. Finally, someone besides me sees what I see in him, which is the possibility danger ahead. I don’t know what tomorrow’s appointment will bring, but at least we’re finally able to DO something. In other news, I’m going to have to take my computer in to be repaired. It’s a crap shoot at this point whether the thing will even turn on now. So, at the moment, this entry is coming to you from my work computer. In addition, I can’t get the damn thing to boot up, so I can’t backup my stuff, which means I’ll be rebuilding our finances. Again. This time though, it should only be to November or December, which is the silver lining – if there is a silver lining. This is what I want for my birthday. I’ve got several projects under way – Project Joseph (as mentioned above), Project Computer (as mentioned above), Project Stripper, and Project Hot Bod. Project Stripper is the Las Vegas trip we’re going to take in September for Jay’s 30th birthday. Amy and Dana are already on board. We’ve also invited two other couples. I’ve never planned a trip this big before (Vegas, yes, 4 couples, no). But I suppose if I can get 25 people from around the world to converge on one place for a board meeting all on my little lonesome I suppose I can do this too. Project Hot Bod is to get me in shape for that trip. It’ll be Jay’s birthday – I’ll have a few private surprises in store for him. That’s great and all, but the way my body is currently, I won’t have the confidence to pull it off – hence Project Hot Bod. I’ve made a renewed effort to WW, am slowly weaning myself from cigarettes, and would like to start working out (hence the birthday present I want). I belong to the gym here at work, however that’s not working for me. The gym itself is great. But I slowly discovered that I despise working out at lunch. Morning – at least outside of the home is out of the question. After work before I go home is out of the question, I hardly see my kids at all before they go to bed as it is. This leaves working out to after the kids go to bed. But I know I won’t be willing to go out again, so I wanted to be able to do something aerobic without having to have a video to do it. It seems to be a good solution to me so we’ll see.

WHAT am I going to do with my son?? He got mad at me this morning ’cause I wouldn’t let him wear his broken, wrong time, spiderman watch to school. Then he was getting out of the truck at school with something he was hiding from me. The act of hiding it from me was preventing him from actually picking up his backpack. I asked him to show me what was in his hand. A nickel and penny stuck together he found in the seat. I made him give it to me because he obviously was just taking it, rather than asking. He broke into tears. I told him he could have it if he asked me for it, which he did. I know it was the wrong thing to do, I should have kept it, but he threw a tantrum, and I was afraid he’d take it out on the teacher again if I held firm. Last night, we found a ring of my mother’s in the kids’ room, which he took from their house. My son is a thief. What the hell am I going to do? I’ve got the referral list of therapists from the school counselor, so today, I’m going to be matching up the therapists with my insurance and see if I get any hits. If not, I have another one that IS on my insurance which I’ll try to make an appointment with. This is not something I bargained for when deciding to have kids.

Okay so the year hasn’t gotten off to a great start. I managed to really mess up something – still not sure what – and had to borrow money, again, from my mom in order to fix the checking account mistake. The problem is, I have no idea how it happened, which is scary to me. I do our bills weekly. It’s just easier since Jay and I both are paid weekly. As a result, all receipts are entered in weekly, all account activity basically. So how the hell did I miss about $500 worth of expenses? In 2 weeks? I just don’t get it. And Joseph. One of these days I may manage to throttle him. We got a call on Monday from school. Please come and get your son, he was kicking and hitting the teacher. While they were on the phone I could hear him yelling in the background. I sent Jay this time. So it turns out Joseph stole a toy from another kid. Mrs. S knows his ways by now and searched him when he said he didn’t have it. There it was. She took it away to give the child who’s toy it was, and Joseph threw a fit. Hit and kicked Mrs. S. The principal came in. He hit and kicked the principal as well. He got suspended for a day. In kindergarten my son now has a police record (the \”I’ll just go to the movies by myself\” incident), and a school record (the \”great kindergarten coup\” plus suspension etc. – two incidences). He’s 5, people. We’re totally fed up. His klepto tendencies, his rages, his total disregard for anyone else’s feelings whatsoever, his lack of forethought for consequences. There just isn’t any. So – we’re taking him to a psychologist. We’re pretty much done. I, personally, don’t think this is normal behavior. I mean the rages are just too much. There’s a tantrum, and then there’s a tantrum. He’s always been violent in his tantrums – shoot, I still have a scar from the chunk out of my chest he took when he bit me in a tantrum. But he’s big enough now that: 1. He shouldn’t be having these kinds of tantrums in the first place – developmentally, they should have ended a year and a half ago. 2. He’s too big for them. We’re sincerely afraid that now, he’ll hurt someone or himself badly. I mean, he almost broke the babysitter’s nose, I have scars, he’s bigger now. I can only imagine… The other thing drifting in the back of my mind though, is the strong mental illness history on my side of the family. Many suicides. Depression. Misdiagnosed bipolar disorder. We have to do Something. He already missed a week of school due to the chicken pox. Now a few more days. I’m sure he’ll get a cold or something too, which is normal. I’m afraid his behavior is effecting his schoolwork, plus making him absent, making it even harder to keep up. I’m totally fed up. I’m completely concerned. I don’t know what to do with my boy. And on top of it all, he’s got this new attitude and way of speaking and rolling his eyes, that you wonder how old he really is. I mean the disdain and disrespect he shows us is WAY out of line with his age. And I don’t know where it’s coming from. Jay and I aren’t disrespectful to our parents, nor to each other, so he’s not seeing that with us. I just don’t understand it at all. I don’t understand HIM at all. And he absolutely resolutely refuses to talk to me about any of it.