Sometimes I get so mad at Jay. He works the night shift. So, he needs to sleep during the day – fine, I understand that. But if he needs some sleep, then he’s no use. None. I took care of Joseph all last night, which is no easy task. Then I had to take care of him today, all day – again, no easy task. Joseph is going through some sort of growth spurt, and is eating constantly, and being very demanding. This should only last a few days, but it’s hard on me when it does, ’cause his whole schedule changes. I had to go to do some errands today, and to a lunch date for someone, and I just needed Jay to watch the baby while I took a shower. That’s it. He kept falling asleep on the job. Therefore, the nipple kept coming out of the baby’s mouth, and he’d start screaming. I’m NOT one of those mothers who do it effortlessly. I need Jay’s help!! He stayed asleep all day, and then got an hour and a half’s sleep before he went to work tonight. Sheesh. I hope this gets a little easier with time. I can’t take another 18 years of exhaustion.

I’m looking forward to going back to work in a way. On the one hand, I’m dreading it, and I don’t want to leave my child, even though he’ll be with his father. But then again, I think having somewhere else to be, somewhere else to go, will give me the edge I need. I’ve noticed that when I have a break, I’m much more calm, and more sure of myself, and not as ruffled with Joseph when he is fussing. He needs a mommy like that. I really hope this works out. This is an experiment that Jay and I decided to try. We need our paycheck, and can’t afford childcare. Plus, we have some very firm spiritual beliefs, and we were afraid those teachings would be compromised, as time went on. So, Jay will work nights, and I’ll work days. And hopefully we will be able to remain a family. I just hope that Joseph doesn’t forget who I am. I have to admit to a bit of jealousy. I love my husband, and I love my son. I hope this works out.

Today, is Mother’s Day. I felt very special to be a part of this holiday for the very first time. Jay gave me a card, that was simply beautiful with some poetry he wrote inside. He also gave me a dozen feather roses. “Feather roses??” Yes, feather roses. You see, Jay and I have this problem. You know how some people have green thumbs? Ours are black. Anything even remotely green we touch dies. I hate this, because I have these fantasies of tilling my own garden of wildflowers. We even killed the wildflowers – you know – those things that grow ON THEIR OWN! Anyway, he found these feather roses, and gave those to me instead. It sounds cheezy and tacky, but they are handmade and truly beautiful. Even The leaves are feathers. He was going to give me a locket, but he couldn’t find one. He said he’s been looking since the baby was born. So – when he finds one, that’s my Mother’s Day gift.

I noticed something today… A mother’s instinct isn’t emotional. It’s primal. My body has it even when I’m just not happy with the boy. His grandparents babysat him tonight. I’m not breastfeeding anymore, although it’s only been a few days. Tonight when they brought him home, I had missed him so much (it had only been a few hours) that my milk let down. I find that amazing. I also can’t believe how much I miss him when I’m not with him.

I really hope we get a routine down soon, ’cause I’m really having trouble with sleep deprivation.

We live in an apartment complex. Comparitively, it’s a small complex, just 12 units, centered around a courtyard. Depending on which layout you have, some people’s bathroom windows face out into the courtyard. While the windows are too high to see anything graphic, what you hear may surprise you. You see, most everybody keeps their windows open, ’cause there isn’t any ventilation in the bathrooms. This way, they won’t get steamed out. Jay and I smoke. We don’t smoke around the baby, which means we smoke in the courtyard. You can find out interesting things from the bathrooms. For instance, I found out that one of our neighbors has a man living with her. I thought that it was just a “yeah, you can crash on my couch” kind of thing – til she was taking a shower at 4 in the morning – and he was in the bathroom with her. They were talking about mundane stuff, but our shower doors are not for the shy. Ahem. Then there’s Carla. Carla is a VERY strange woman who lives with her equally strange husband and son. I don’t agree with how they treat their son, but it doesn’t seem abusive, so I don’t say anything. I just try to avoid them. Carla is now pregnant with her second child. The morning sickness has hit. Hard. Morning sickness consists of throwing up, of course. Well – she does it very loudly. As in, I am in my own apartment with the windows and doors shut and I can still hear her through her bathroom window. I just had my child. I too had morning sickness. Therefore, every time I hear her, I feel like doing the same thing. But, for the life of me, I can’t figure out a tactful way to ask her to close her bathroom window… Emily Post does not mention this kind of social situation.

Then there are the walls. Thin as paper. Our immediate neighbor, Daniel, is a gorgeous hunk of a man. He’s a young father (adorable son), and is a widow. In the two years we’ve lived here, he’s never had a girlfriend. He does now. A few nights ago, grandma took his son for the night. The girlfriend stayed over for the night. That girlfriend has one set of lungs! Daniel also must have stamina that I’ve only seen in race horses. I had an advantage over the other neighbors. They were in the living room, which shares a wall with our living room. And I have a newborn that keeps me up all hours of the night. She left in the morning absolutely glowing. Of course, Daniel didn’t look too shabby either. At first I felt guilty about Joseph screaming (it was a particularly rough night for him) – but then I decided that it was it’s own form of birth control. A reminder, if you will.

Which brings me to my next point… I am horny. I haven’t had sex in months – and I’m ready. But to do this, we need some uninterrupted quiet time. Things keep getting in the way. I’m seriously getting frustrated here. We meant to do it today, but Jay got called in to work tonight, which meant he needed uninterrupted sleep to be able to perform at work. This meant he wasn’t performing with me. sigh…

My neighbors keep making it more and more obvious that I’m the only one not getting any.