Well… Tomorrow is the end of the road for me. I go back to work on Thursday, so tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave. I’m sad about that. I have quite a few fears about going back to work. Most of them have been alleved by discussion with other moms on some mailing lists that I belong too. They’re still there, but I am calmer about the whole thing. But I also want to go back. I like my job, I’m good at it. Plus I think it makes me a better mom when I get away from Joseph. I come back to him ready to be a mommy again. Of course this has only been on a random basis. I’ve no idea how I’ll feel once it’s an everyday thing.

This was a difficult weekend for me. Let’s say my mother-in-law and I butted heads a few times. All because of Joseph. I don’t think she thinks I’m a good mother. She tries to take over. And then he got the rash. He got a diaper rash. Heaven forbid. Babies get rashes. Of course, she made it seem like I loll around here watching soaps and eating bon-bons, while poor baby Joseph sits in his crib wailing because I don’t feed or change him. Please. The truth is, Joseph has the same skin that she and my husband have. Hyper-sensitive to EVERYTHING. I’m as anxious to get his rash taken care of as she is. However, she and my Father-in-law took Joseph last night to give us a break. She gave him a bath every time he pooped. Anyway, there were other comments made about my housekeeping, etc. It’s so weird because she was never like this with me until the baby was born. Some of her comments were down right nasty. Anyway, it made my husband mad (he’s witnessed some of this) and talked to her. She talked to me. Everything is right with the world again, although I did get my feelings hurt. It’s hard to feel this way about her, because Jay’s family is my only family up here. And with them so close, I really want to be friends with her. I like her. I think she just needs to relax about this kid. Maybe remember when she had two toddlers running around, and realize that dirt is not a killer, etc. It doesn’t help that I’m rather sensitive, and I read between the lines – even if nothings there. So, my husband played peacemaker. I don’t doubt that it was for his own sanity.

My parents are coming up here the second week in June. For once, I’m actually excited. As much as my mother drives me batty, she has actually been very supportive about this whole new mother thing. She doesn’t try to tell me what to do, or question me or anything (like she does about every other aspect of my life). It’s almost like she treats me like the adult I am now. Amazing. So, I’m excited because Joseph has grown so much since they’ve seen him.

Ho Hummm.

I don’t know how I’m possibly going to go back to work. If I think of a workday, rather than when I’m at home, I can get anywhere from none to 6 hours of sleep. It’s the none – 3 hours a night I’m worried about. Then, I need to get in the car and drive to work, and be functional for the next nine hours. Then I need to drive home and start all over again. I just don’t know. Jay suggested this: Starting on Monday, I get up and get ready like I’m going to work, and then stay up all day. He comes home, and takes over the baby. This is what we’re going to do starting on Thursday, so we can try and get used to it, and have foul up time. Jay doesn’t get back until it’s time for me to leave, so I’m going to have to figure out how to get ready. Jay is going to have to get up with the baby every day, so we going to practice for 3 days before we have to do it. Both of us are going to have it really hard. I just hope we can keep our calm and not yell at each other for stupid stuff ’cause we’re tired.

Yes, I love my son, but this has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Joseph had his well-baby check-up yesterday. He’s grown! He’s only in the 25th percentile in everything, but the doctor says he doesn’t care about that, since he was little to start out with. All he cares is that he continues to grow on his own curve, and he is. He’s gone from 6 lbs 1 oz, down to 5 lbs, and now he’s back up to 9 lbs, 11 oz! This is definitely a good thing. However… I’m still having trouble realizing that he is still birth size for some families. I look at how big he is, and realize that some babies are born even bigger. No thank you. I’d much rather have a healthy, small baby. He can grow later. Goodness. At his next check-up in a few weeks, he’s going to have to have 5 shots! I do not look forward to that. I’ll have to watch them do it, and maybe even hold him down. I have a feeling I might cry. And I’m REALLY not looking forward to having him be cranky and unhappy. Plus his legs are going to be really sore, the poor thing. Luckilly, he won’t have to have quite so many at one time anymore after that. It’s no wonder some babies don’t like the doctor. I think he has to have shots on every well-baby visit until he’s 14 months old! On one hand I wonder if this whole immunization thing has gotten out of hand. On the other hand, I’m not about to NOT do it.

I’ve been feeling quite anxious about this back to work thing. I go back a week from tomorrow. I love my job. I don’t want to go back. Unfortunately, I make more than my husband, and we need both paychecks, not to mention my benefits. So, I must. However, I have all these awful feelings. I feel guilty about leaving him. I’m anxious about leaving him with Jay all day, even though he’s wonderful with him. He’s not his mother. I don’t know how Jay is going to get enough sleep. I know he won’t sleep through the night for months, so I don’t know how I’m going to get enough sleep. And I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to do my job. Needless to say, I’m worried.

And I’m tired. I’m so tired my whole body feels it all the time.

I actually paid the whole phone bill, but it hasn’t gone through yet, so I don’t know when this entry will actually get posted. But, since that’s not the point for me, I’m writing in my journal anyway. I can’t believe I didn’t pay the phone bill.

I had my 6 week doctor’s appointment today. I cannot believe it’s been that long! Anyway, the pelvic exam was okay, although I have a cyst that should take care of itself. And we had the obligatory talk about birth control. I did have a little scare though. Since it was sort of an all over physical, she checked my breasts as well. I have fairly lumpy tissue, so to do an exam, you really have to concentrate. She found a lump. It could be an actual lump, or it could be part of my breast tissue, and just naturally lumpy. So, she said to make sure that I examine myself regularly, and if it gets any bigger, I have to go in. I have to admit that this makes me a tad nervous. But, I guess I’ll just have to make sure I do my self-exams and keep on top of it.

It wouldn’t surprise me if I did have a lump. Stuff just seems to happen to my body. Whether inflicted by someone, or not. For example, I had 3 head concussions before the age of 5. I always had respitory infections that sometimes made their way into pneumonia (sp?). I had Chicken Pox at the age of 14! It was right before junior high graduation… Boy was that fun. I had walking pneumonia my senior year. Actually broke my finger in P.E. When I went on birth control pills, we found out that my body couldn’t take the hormone levels that the pills caused. I would have migraines from them that also consisted of numbness in my limbs, loss of peripheral vision, speech blockage and numbness of the gums and tongue, which would then lead into the headache of all time. The doctors were finally worried about me having a stroke, and they took me off the pill. I can’t take them anymore, since I’m so sensitive to hormones. I even ended up with migraines during my pregnancy, just from the natural hormones the body produces. I found out that I have Osgood Schlaater’s disease (sp?) in both knees my freshman year of high school. When I was 17 years old, I found out about my Uterine Didelphys. I had a miscarriage April of last year. I had all kinds of complications while pregnant with Joseph (thank God that they didn’t end up effecting him). And now this whole lump thing. But like I said… Considering my history, I would’nt be surprised at all. It doesn’t help that my family has just about everything in their medical history. Ah well… I guess I’ll just have to take on day at a time.

I’m such an idiot. I think pregnancy and childbirth has adled my brain. No. I KNOW it. Our phone was just shut off. Because we’re terribly poor and couldn’t pay the bill? NO! Because I was an idiot and didn’t pay it. The same thing happened last month with the cable. This is embarrassing, and painful. I’ve never had my utilities shut off before! I mean how idiotic can I be??? Every month, you pay the rent, phone, gas and electric. This is just something an ADULT DOES! I am an adult, I am an adult. It’s going to take forever to get it on again, of course. And they won’t turn it on until I pay the NEXT bill, and they’re making me pay a deposit as well. I’m such an irresponsible idiot.