My husband has this thing for dangerous/poisonous pets. If he gets rid of one, he gets another. When I met him, he owned Khan. A ball python snake. I actually grew fairly fond of him, and held him and stuff. He liked to curl up on the back of my neck under my hair, ’cause it was warm. This went on for about a year and a half, until I convinced him a growing carnivore was bad to have under the same roof as a crawling baby ( I was pregnant). He found a home with a neighbor with a thing for reptiles. We also had cats, but we found homes for them as well, because of the baby, and the small one bedroom apartment we have. Then he got fish. He got a few including one called the “Green Terror”. We came out one day, and there were bottom of halves of fish all over the tank, and the “Green Terror” looked significantly larger. He eventually got so big, he too went to a neighbor with a larger fish tank. Then – he got these frogs, our current pets. Fred and Ethel. They have a poison in their skin as a defense mechanism. They keep escaping their tank, I don’t know how. EEeewwwwww! YOU try catching them. They are the fastest things I have ever seen! Their good at hopping. Yuck. Well, at this moment, Ethel is awol. Ugg.

Well, I seem to be doing okay for the whole back to work thing. It’s been tougher on Jay, though. He’s not getting as much sleep. But he’s getting used to it though.

I’m watching a new show on TLC called “Maternity Ward”. I have an incredible facination with anything to do with birth, real trauma, and weddings. So, all these shows TLC has makes me happy. Anyway, I’m watching this show with my full, happy, sleepy, warm son in my arms. I thank God every day for my son, and that nothing went wrong. He is precious.

Back to work tomorrow. More time away from my son. God this is hard.

Well… I bit the bullet. I am now an online shopper. Of course, when I get the chance to buy something online, do I buy something fun? No. I buy groceries. Actually what happened is, we need to go grocery shopping in a bad way. But I keep avoiding it. Joseph is too small to be able to sit in the little seat in front. He HATES his car seat, so for him to be strapped in it for a full shopping would have been torture. On both of us. So – I borrowed my mom’s credit card (we don’t have one) and went to peapod.com and shopped. It’s to be delivered on Monday. And I get to avoid the icky store. It was relatively inexpensive. The only downside is that I can’t use coupons.

This child will NOT go to sleep. I put him down, and 5 minutes later he’s up. This sucks. We’ve spent the last 2 hours doing this. Arg.

Now, it’s 11:50pm, and I think *maybe* he’ll sleep for real this time. I put him in my bed. Maybe he’ll be more calm if I sleep with him.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I couldn’t possibly write an entry yesterday… I was too exhausted. I started work again. However, I only got three hours sleep to do it. I don’t know how I did what I did at work. I got a little more sleep last night (but not by much). Joseph is going to his grandparents house for an overnight tonight, so I’ll actually get a full night’s sleep. You’ve no idea how much I’m looking forward to this.

The doctor still has not called me back about my breast. I don’t know what to think about that.

… update …

Well, my doctor called me back. She said a mammogram is out. Younger women, and women who have just given birth, have extremely dense breast tissue. It would just show up as one big mass of white. So – she wants me to come in for another exam just to check it out. She said that there is a possibility of an infection from when I was breastfeeding. But since it’s been a month, that’s not likely.

On a completely different topic, Jay and I had some really good sex after the baby went to grandma and grandpa’s house. 🙂 I like sex. Sex is good. I’m sorry you can’t see the terribly stupid grin on my face!

Well. I wrote an entry recently that talked about my 6 week postpartum exam. I have been examining myself every other day. I’m not sure if I’m being anal, or if I am just trying to see if it’s still there. It is. It’s a lump that doesn’t move around like my other tissue. I also found a sore spot that’s in a different area than the lump, on the same breast. It feels like there’s a bruise way deep down underneath. I found that yesterday, and it’s still there today. This has me worried. I have a lot of stuff wrong with me and cancer runs in my family. I think this worries me more because I have a son now. If I am sick, I need to take care of it NOW, while i have a chance. I want to see my son grow up. I’m scared. I know I’m jumping the gun, but it’s like I have to prepare myself. Just in case. I mean, my thoughts have run the gamut from “you’re being stupid, don’t worry” to “can I change my life insurance policy to go to my son?”. I’m nervous, can you tell? I called my doctor and left a message telling her about the fact that the lump doesn’t move, and the sore spot. I asked her to call me and let me know if I should do nothing, or go in for a mammogram. I hope she’s able to call me today. I can’t get this off my mind.

I told Jay about it simply because I wouldn’t want him keeping something like this from me, but I didn’t want to. While my mind is going crazy, I don’t want Jay to worry unless there’s something for him to worry about. But again, I wouldn’t want anything to come as a complete surprise to him either.

I haven’t told anyone else about it either. But I want to. I shouldn’t though. It wouldn’t do to worry my mother either. They are coming up in a couple of weeks and depending on what the doctor says, I may tell her then. She’s a very supportive person when it comes to medical things. She has had so many things wrong with her in the past, plus she knows about everything in our family. And, well, she’s my mom. When you’re scared, you want your mommy. Even if you’re married, have your own children, and live 5 hours away. And she and I get along so much better now. I really want to talk to her about all my fears, except that she and my dad are on vacation, and I can’t get ahold of her.

I need to just suck it up, and shut up, and wait on the doctor.

Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things…