He did it ladies and gentlemen! My little booberry, AKA Joseph, slept through the night! I put him down at 8pm, and he didn’t stir until 5:45! AND then he got his diaper changed, giggled at mamma, ate a little and went back to sleep. It’s 7am and not a peep. YEAHHHHHHHH!

Okay so I’m a little excited by this.

He’s smiling more and more and more. Mornings are his happy time. You can get lots of smiles and giggles in the morning. It’s almost like, wow, I slept a long time, and missed your face! So sweet.

I still haven’t started nutisysem, but I will be. Probably Monday. Waiting for payday to go grocery shopping. I’m glad. It’s amazing what having a baby does to your body.

I may have signed up for nutrisystems, but I haven’t started it yet. I have to wait til I have money to go buy things like vegetables. Hrmph. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do this on our budget.

I updated the photos page… There are now pictures of my little one up there! He’s a cutie. I know I’m biased, and yes, I think he’s a genius, but he’s still a cutie.

Jay and I went to an “I Still Do” conference this weekend. It’s a Christian married couples conference. It was all day. Each section was an hour long. What is a covenant?; what are our roles?; conflict resolution; intimate issues (sex); and our legacy. It was very good, the speakers were great, and we learned a lot. It definitely put in perspective what a Christian marriage is, and practical ways to make that happen. It’s very confusing to be a Christian wife these days… I have to toe the fine line between being submissive and being a doormat. Another line I have to toe is being an independent career woman of the 90’s, and simply helping my family out by working. I want to be submissive to Jay, who is the headship of our little family (headship does not equal male domination), but I need to make sure that I don’t let him take advantage of that. He doesn’t, but I could easilly let him. I don’t want to be a career woman. I want to take care of my family and home. But financially we can’t do that. So, I also need to keep my priorities in line so that I don’t take my family for granted. It’s very difficult. I’m so glad I have God in my life. I know I’m not alone, I know that He has a purpose for me, and that I can turn to Him. If I just give my problems up to Him, He’ll show me the way through. I know these things, but I forget many times just to turn my eyes up. If I did that, I wouldn’t worry nearly as much as I do. Anyway, the conference really gave us some wonderful things to think about. The best part for me I think was seeing my role as a wife and mother from a scriptural basis. We also renewed our vows, and received a copy of the vows we took to hang on our wall. One of the speakers mentioned that changes in our schools, and leadership/government, and society as a general rule, doesn’t come from the government, or teaching, or even church. It comes from the family and the home life. I truly believe that. Change must start in our homes, otherwise how is anyone going to have a base? You can learn in your home, make mistakes and triumphs, and no matter what, be loved. I believe that’s where our strength comes when we’re out in the world doing things. We know what is right and wrong, how to treat people, and basically where we stand. We learn those things in our home, whether we’re 8 or 80. This confernce gave me insight on how to have a closer relationship with God, my husband, and my son. This was very good for us, and I recommend it to every couple.

Joseph spent the weekend with his grandparents so we could go to this thing. I missed him a lot. But he was a good boy, and happy to see me. I think I was afraid he would forget who I was (even though I never mentioned that out loud). But he remembered me. He remembered my arms. What a booberry.

I did it. I signed up for Nutrisystems. I want to lose this baby weight, and I think I need some motivation. I was successful on Jenny Craig a few years ago, and this is less expensive. I hope it works again. I asked Jay if it was okay with him, too, since I’ll be spending out money. He said that he didn’t care.

We’re all sick. Even the baby. The poor little thing. Since it’s a viral infection, there’s not much we can do. Antibiotics won’t help. So, we just have to take our cough medicine, etc. till we’re better. The baby, ’cause he doesn’t feel good, just wants to be held. I hope it doesn’t get any worse, like become an ear infection or something. Tonight, Jay works, so I’ll be on call with a sick baby all night. Even with Jay, I didn’t go to sleep until 12am, and I got up at 4am. Ugg.

I just found out form my dad that Freeway, a little mutt my parents have, is at the vet’s. Dad found her on the freeway when I was in 4th grade I think. Needless to say, she’s rather old. I’m not sure how I feel about this. She is so old that she probably won’t make it home. But for some reason, I don’t care as much as I should. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t lived at home in 4 years. And I was never close to this dog. But still, I feel like i should care a little bit. It makes me feel like a cold person, and I don’t like it.

Which brings me to another point. I’m rather dispassionate about Joseph being sick. It’s not that I don’t care, or don’t take care of him, I do. But it’s sort of in a robot mode. The only thing I can think of is that it’s my defense mechanism. If I get too upset, than I won’t take proper care of him, or I’ll panic, or my overactive imagination will take over. Perhaps this way, I can just take things as they really are, and not make them out to be more. Then again, part of it might be that I myself am sick. I just don’t feel good enough to make it a big deal. But, I suppose I just need to take one day at a time. As long as I know that I’m caring for him, and know that I love him, I’ll be all right, and so will he.

Will I ever stop second guessing myself as a mother? Does any mother stop second guessing herself?

That’s not rhetorical. Email me with an answer if you have one. Or even if you don’t. I’d like some other perspectives on the subject.

Had another one of those in-law days… I ask her not to use baby powder, she uses baby powder. I ask her not to put him on his tummy, she does. And it goes on and on. Am I his mother? She literally snatched him from my arms tonight, ’cause she thought she knew what he needed better at the time. She could have asked, “Do you mind if I try…..?” Instead, she literally just said “Give him to me!”, and took him. I was too surprised to do anything. I just tried to remain calm. This isn’t something to start a family war over. This is just the way she is. The sooner I realize it the better. She is going to continue to feel that she knows better. Yes, I know I’m not perfect. Yes, I know I don’t know nearly as much as I could. But I’m a new mom, and I’m doing fine. He’s fairly healthy (we all are sick at the same time), he’s getting his shots, his medications, his doctors appointments, his bathes, his bottles, his blankies, his playtime, his snuggles, his diaper changes, and most of all – his love. I am trying to do things that make him develop as well as have fun. He’s ahead in almost everything for his age. He’s doing wonderfully for being early. I just don’t understand why she tries to make me feel like such a failure. I don’t think she means to make me feel that way. But she certainly second-guesses me, as well as disregards me as if I didn’t speak. Jay even agrees with me. We’ve already talked to her, so we just don’t know what else to do. I love her, I do. We have a decent relationship. I respect her. Jay says we’re way too much alike. Hmmm. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess we all just need a little more time to grow into this parenthood/grandparenthood thing.

and so it goes…

This is not such a great day to be a baby. First off, he had a doctor’s appointment. That went fine. He was 12 lbs! He’s getting so big. Then he had shots. 4 of them. One in one leg. One in one arm. And two in the other leg. He cried these big huge fat tears while his daddy held him. I started to cry myself. He so little and innocent, and here he is getting shots that would make a grown-up cry. I felt so awful. It was good that Jay was holding him. I’m afraid that if he wasn’t, he might have hit someone out of reflex. Then we came home. We don’t have air conditioning, so we have 3 fans that are on full blast. It’s about 110 here today. We had the baby sleeping on a towel naked. Immunization shots usually give a fever, so we were planning on that on top of the heat for the poor little guy. So what happens? The power goes off. That means no fans. What makes me mad is that we found out from the power company that this was planned. They have to do regularly scheduled power outages in order to cut down on the chance of fire. I’m mad because if this was planned, then they could let us know. I had a sick, feverish, mad baby, in 110 degree heat, and no fans. We’re all a little cranky around here.

Our car has a busted water pump. We’re trying to get the car towed to our mechanic tonight. Hopefully I can get AAA to do this. I couldn’t yesterday, ’cause I was at work and they wouldn’t do it without me there. I’m the only person on the card. We really need our car back. We’ve been borrowing the in-laws car.

Jay and I are going to a marriage conference on the 24th. It should be fun and enlightening, and just some time for us. I’m looking forward to it.

I think I *may* be getting the hang of this mother thing. Maybe. I could be feeling this way because Joseph smiled at me for the first time today? Today was the first real smile for me. But it ended up being 5 of them. I never felt like that before. Jay always says that his favorite thing is to make me smile. Gosh, I wonder how he’ll feel when Joseph smiles at him? I hope I’m there to see it.

My first real week at work went well I think. I was rather tired, but nothing I could’nt handle. I’m handling the work load as well. I’m glad of that. It felt good to be back. I don’t have as much guilt about leaving the baby anymore. I miss him throughout the day, but I feel good knowing that Jay is with him.

I’m still having run-ins with mil about the baby, but I’m more able to put my foot down in order to do what I (the mom!) think is best for him. It helps because Jay backs me up. He’s a good go-between, but he also backs me up with what I and we think is right for Joseph.

My parents came up this weekend. Let’s just say I’m glad their gone. They really stress me out. A lot. But they were VERY happy to see their grandson. It was their first time since he was born. He’s grown so much.

I’m really thinking that I can do this now. I get really stressed out, but I also am starting to figure out how to handle it. I get so scared sometimes about whether or not I am or will be a good mother. I don’t want to turn out like my mother. I don’t want to turn coniving or manipulative. I hear stories about people who turn into their parents. I want to Joseph to be able to look back on his life and say that he had a happy childhood. I want him to come to dinner or visits or holidays with us, and not dread it, or feel he is obligated to JUST ’cause we’re his parents. I want him to want to spend time with us. Jay would tell me to take things day to day, and make the best decisions that I can.

That’s the best course I think.