Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve updated. A lot of things have happened, but I think it’s more along the lines of thoughts that Jay and I have had as opposed to actual action.

Jay still hasn’t done what he needs to to upgrade his discharge. I’m a little disappointed in him. I think it’s more to do with what he has to do, rather than a lack of ambition. He has to get all these character references. The problem is, he doesn’t have a lot of friends who know him all that well. The only people that know him really well are family. We’re not sure that they will take relatives as references. I can understand his frustration. But until he does that, then the whole thing is on hold. I hate things being on hold.

In the meantime, our rent was raised (just thisclose to being illegal), so I think I might have to find another, better paying job. I like where I’m at, but it’s non-profit. That means I’m “non-profit” too. I’m just not ready yet. I think Jay and I need to discuss it more, so that I can become final in my decision.

We’ve got some lifestyle stuff going on in our lives as well. We’re doing some things in our sex life that are experimental, and very interesting. I can’t go into it anymore than that, ’cause I don’t know if family is reading this. But – it’s changing the dynamics of our sensuality together. This, in my opinion, is a very good thing.

Joseph is growing like a weed. They said that he would be behind due to his early birth. Well, he’s ahead in everything. Physical growth, and motor skills, cognitive skills, everything. I’m very proud of him. We have another appointment in August, along with shots, to see how far he’s coming along.

I don’t mean to not write, it’s just been so busy, other things have taken priority. But I’ve noticed that sometimes I’m all a-jumble in my head about things, and so I need to write more. If nothing else, it lets me clear my head, vent, and prioritize. I need to take advantage of that.

Well… Jay made some decisions today. He is going to upgrade his discharge. There is only one kind of discharge that would allow him to re-enlist, out of 6 upgrades he could get. So, he’s decided to pray to God that if he’s upgraded to that kind, God wants him back in the service. If God doesn’t want that, then he doesn’t, I get a new job, and Jay enrolls in school. The Bible tells us to pray in specifics, and to make sure it’s (whatever “it” is) is what God wants. I’m behind Jay one hundred percent, no matter what the final outcome is.

Jay and I had a long talk last night, and I gave him all my thoughts, he gave me all his, and we discussed the future of our family, and what we feel God wants for us. I then told told Jay that now since he knows what I think, then he can make the decision he feels best. He’s head of the household, and I trust him. If he used a heavy hand, then I wouldn’t, but he takes my input and talks to me, and I know that he weighs the pros and cons about our big decisions. Who knows where this will take us. One thing is for sure. We are headed in a new era of our lives. That’s just fine with me.

I’m scared to death of the whole thing. This means I will probably be quitting my job at some point. It will either be because we’re moving to another area (service), or it means I’m getting a better paying job to support us while Jay goes to school. I’m very comfortable in my position. Maybe that’s reason enough to move on.

Even though this may be a few years off, one reason we’re doing this is so I can be a stay-at-home mom. We both feel that’s my place. Not as a “woman”, but as me Michele, wife and mom. That’s what I want to do. Jay sees the toll that this working mom thing is taking on me. Jay stays home during the day, and works at night. Joseph doesn’t see this. When he goes to bed, dad’s there. When Joseph wakes up, dad’s there. Joseph always wants Jay. Jay is the only one who can comfort him sometimes. This really hurts. It’s neither of their faults. Jay is always there, so he’s the comfortable parent for Joseph. But this conflict is inside me because I’m the mommy. Jay sees how hard this is for me, and we both try to compensate, and that just causes more conflict and some hostility. We don’t want it to be this way, but neither one of us has been able to come up with any creative solutions.

We’re both trying to do the best for our family as we can. We love each other. But this parenthood thing is the toughest, most exhausting thing I’ve ever done with my life. The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that for thousands of years, people have been raising kids, and lived through it. There are a lot worse moms out there than me whose kids came out just fine. Thank God.

Well, my mother and father have left, and I lived. It wasn’t too bad after all. And, I got some clothes that fit now, which feels really good.

We don’t know where God is leading us. Jay knows that God wants him to upgrade his discharge. Okay fine. What we don’t know is what else to do. One option would be for me to try and find a job that would support us, while Jay goes to school. The theory being: Jay gets some education enough to get a job to support us so I can keep our home and stay home with the kids. So, I would support him til he was able to support us. He has interest in CAD programming among other things, so it could be a good idea. He would have to go to night school, but there are certain programs that would be great. Master’s Institute is one options. So’s ITT Tech. We tried to go down this route before, but we couldn’t get grants or financial aid. They looked at our income tax statements from 3 years before, as a married couple. We didn’t even know each other at that time, had different jobs… They didn’t care about that. But at least a year has gone by, so maybe now we would qualify. After all, Jay has a family, and a son.

I certainly would have to leave my current position. I am a missionary in a non=profit organization. How in the world would that work? We live in the 3rd most difficult place to live in the U.S. But, the other half of that is: if I went into the for-profit industry, I could make a lot more money for what I’m doing.

AND, we don’t know what God wants us to do. We know that changes are coming. We know Jay is supposed to upgrade his discharge. Other than that, we’re not sure which route to take. I guess I could start sending out resumes…. Just ask God to let the perfect job land in my lap if that’s what He wants me to do. If not, not get any replies. That could work. The Bible says that it’s okay to test things to make sure they’re of God. I’ve seen wondrous things by asking God to prove Himself to me. I don’t have a lack of faith in Him. I know that He’ll provide. I know that He has a plan. My problem is me. I never know whether it’s of Him or of me. I’m always afraid that I want something so badly that I’m thinking it’s God’s plan for me.

I guess I’ll just have to be patient, and send out resumes. If God wants me somewhere, then he’ll let me know that.

So many things have happened lately, but they’re such a jumble in my head that I think that I can only touch on them lightly. I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself. Mainly, Jay is trying to get back into the Marine Corps. This is a very good thing. He had a bad conduct discharge (long story), and he’s trying to get that upgraded. If he does, he’s going to re-enlist. If that happens – it’s a big “if”, after all this is the government, it will help us so much. Jay will get to do something that he loves, we’ll be able to move to a less expensive area, get help with housing, and I might be able to be a stay-at-home mom. We’re really excited about this. First, they have to approve his upgrade though. That could take up to 6 months. Jay got the form in the mail today, so tomorrow, he’s going to the VA to get help from a counselor in filling it out.

This could open so many doors for us. SO many. It could help with out finances. Wow. I might get to see my son grow up. This is so cool. It’s taken Jay 3 years to make this decision. Now that it’s finally made, we’re going for it gung-ho.

At first we were concerned about going ahead with this, because we weren’t sure if it was God’s plan, or our plan. We want to do God’s will, so we asked for some specifics. We ended up getting confirmation after confirmation. So, we know we’re on the right track. We don’t know if we’ll end up in the Marines or not, but we know this is the track God wants us on. I wonder where it will lead. I don’t think that hisi mom is thrilled with the idea, but I think she has more peace about it than if we were to do this a couple of years ago. But then again, she could be hiding her anxiety from us.

My parents are coming up this weekend. Hrmmm… It’s only been a month since the last visit. I’m excited, and dreading it all at once. They can really drive me nutso.

I can’t wait for the weekend to get here, and yet I can’t wait for it to be over.

Well, I started Nutrisystem. The food isn’t as good as Jenny Craig (or at least how I remember it), but I might do okay. However, I’m drinking a lot of water, instead of soda, so I have this incredible caffeine headache. I had no idea I was so addicted to the stuff. It’s driving me nuts. It’s hard to eat so much less now. I haven’t been thinking about watching what I eat for over a year. I have no idea if we can really afford this. I hope so.

I apologize for anyone who is having trouble with seeing my pictures online. However, I don’t have software to change it from a bitmap format.

I got this urge all of a sudden to check on some high school people. I caught up with some people I could, and I looked some up online through alumni. It’s been interesting! I can’t believe my 10 year anniversary isn’t too far away. Okay, so it’s 3 years away, but it’s a lot closer than it used to be!

Joseph is growing like a weed. He’s smiling so much more now. And he just talks and talks to himself. And giggles. It’s so much fun just to watch him in the mornings. Jay and I have been butting heads on who should be doing what. Mainly, it’s due to our night/day schedule. We’re hardly ever together with him. And we having trouble defining our roles because of the odd schedule. I think we’re working it out though. But it’s been causing us to get snappish with each other, which we never do. It makes me feel edgy. I now understand why parenthood is so hard on couplehood. I love my son, but sometimes I want to transport to the time B.J. (before Joseph). I think that’s normal though. Our little family is just going through some growing pains.