I want to go on record as saying that you NEED to read Secra. I love the way she writes… I can almost picture the way she thinks. I like stuff like that. She’s going through some really shitty stuff right now (sorry about the language, but it really fits the situation). I’m very sorry for her and the situation that she finds herself in. Pathetic really (the situation, not her). I just want to go on record as saying that I think that it sucks. That is my opinion. Not that it matters in this case, but well, at least now I feel I’ve spoken.

I feel like I should be hearing tribal war drums in the distance, slowly getting louder with each second that passes by this week. We move this weekend. THIS weekend! Tomorrow, I’m going to be in charge (sort of by proxy, and probably not for the whole day) for part of a large event going on at work. But this is probably the most responsibility I’ve ever had. I don’t like that I was thrust into this situation. I also don’t like that I only found out about that part yesterday. If I’d known this, I would have been thinking very differently for the last little bit in order to be ready in my head. You see… I hate crowds. They scare me. They make me nervous, skittish, and entirely a wreck in my head. I know that it’s a phobia, I’m just too lazy to look up which phobia it is. Tomorrow is a really bad event for this particular problem. You see, we hand out food boxes, and have Thanksgiving dinners for hundreds of people in need. My department’s part is to organize and lead the 400 or so volunteers that it takes to keep the whole thing running smoothly. Tomorrow, at least for a little while, I’m going to be in charge of those 400 volunteers, as well as putting out various other fires not usually in my line of work. This is a big deal to someone who hates crowds. Just to let you in on how exhausting this day is for me… This will be the third year I’ve done it. In the past two years, I went home and cried myself to sleep. I really hope that I don’t really screw something up. Uggg.

Thursday is of course, Thanksgiving. We will be spending it at Jay’s grandparents house. Big time family… More crowds and screaming rowdy kids. Not to mention talk of politics. Oh Joy.

Friday, free day. Packing day.

Saturday, move day.

Sunday, clean day.

Monday, work day. I’m trying to get that day off on vacation so I can concentrate on organizing ourselves in our new place. It’s not looking good though.

Can you see why I’m a little stressed?

I’m literally so stressed I’m going numb. Frankly, there is too much to do. It all needs to happen and get done. I don’t see how it’s going to. This is where God comes in. You see – It’s going to take a miracle.

To top it all off, I just foudn out Jay is coming home early ’cause he’s sick. Joseph is already sick. So help me, I better not get sick.

Why can’t everyone just do what I tell them to, when I tell them to, how I tell them to do it? This world would be so much better organized (just like that sentence). ‘Course, this is just my personal opinion. I’m sure that my husband, my in-laws, and my department at work would disagree. Perhaps even laugh out loud?

I’m in a new situation. A friend of mine (used to be a co-worker, til she decided to focus on school. The nerve.) is now reading this journal, at my invitation. I’ve never had anyone I knew reading me before. It’s a new sensation. I don’t censor myself, however it does put a personal spin on “the public view” of the web. I mean, yes I know I’m putting my life out there for anyone to read. And due to the copyright notice I put at the bottom, I’m searchable on my own name. I don’t mind since I don’t have anything to hide. However, the “public” is so anonymous, that you can forget that a real person, in some other place, whom you do NOT know, is reading your words. Now, I know one of those anonymous people out there. It’s unique to what I’m used to. Anyway, Hi C!

I have put up a hiatus notice on the journals main page. If you would like to continue to get updates after Saturday, you need to do it through the notify list. I will be doing email entries, but only to them. I will archive those, and load them up when the site is off hiatus, but that’s the only way one will see them if they are NOT on the notify list. This is a flagrant pimp of the notify list. Do we have the general idea here?

I just have to say that caffeine and these little pills of ginko I’ve been getting are a wonderful combination. For two days in a row, I didn’t get tired at work. I was able to do things after work (I’m usually too wiped out). And I don’t think they are addictive (it’s all “ginko-ish” herbs. Scary thing is – they’re sold at 7-11. In packets. Right by the register. This should say something to me other than “convenient”.

Please keep me in your prayers. If you don’t pray, you should (sorry… mommy popped out for a moment). The next week (and probably the next month) are going to be close to making me totally lose it. Like really lose it. Like, see a therapist lose it. I don’t want to do that, but it is what it is. So, please pray for the following:

1. The move goes smoothly.

2. The in-law thing goes smoothly.

3. I get caught up at work… Without being yelled at by my boss.

4. My boss comes back and finally helps me be her (you have to know the situation to understand that one).

5. Jay and I’s relationship only getting stronger through this.

6. I’m the mommy!!

and anything else God puts on your heart. I don’t really care what you pray. Just pray for us, please. We need all the help that we can get from God at this point.

I’m frustrated by a few things tonight.

First – my son. It’s passed his bedtime. He absolutely refuses to go to bed. He’s exhausted. I can see this. Jay can see this. Will he go to sleep? No. When we were pregnant, we talked about what we would and wouldn’t do. One of the things we said we wouldn’t do is the “let them cry themselves to sleep”. We couldn’t imagine that. We’ve learned differenty. Now it’s, let him cry a while. Maybe he’ll realize he’s tired. I feel terribly guilty about this. But if I don’t do that, I think I’d go crazy. It works though. Sometimes, he’s able to put himself to sleep. Othertimes, it just makes him mad, and when I pick him up and rock him, he goes straight to sleep. But it’s awful to have to listen to him cry. But the truth is, sometimes I need a good cry, ’cause I’m just plain mad. Maybe he needs that sometimes too. I guess I don’t feel as guilty as I should.

Second – work. I can’t seem to get caught up. I try to get caught up. But the truth is, I’m too overwhelmed to concentrate properly. The only answer is to work a few 12 – 14 hour days, and just pump the work out. However, that’s just not plausible right now due to the move coming up. But I’m going to have to. It’s absolutely impossible to be a full time mother, and a full time employee. Yet everyone seems to expect it. My family expects it. My boss expects it. I love my boss to death, but the truth is, she doesn’t have to do the actual work to get stuff done. The way I see it (and this may be my oversensitivity and the fact that I’m overwhelmed) is she makes the executive decisions, and then I do the work to implement it. Add that to the fact that she hasn’t been there to help. She a single mom with three kids, has a full time job, and is getting her doctorate. I can understand. However, last year, she was there to help me plan out all the events, and to implement things like performance reviews. This year, she didn’t help with the all staff retreat. She didn’t help with the most recent increases. She isn’t going to help the all staff Christmas party. She isn’t going to help with the performance reviews. All she’s been doing (and this is before she took a sabbatical) is making decisions, and signing her signature. I think perhaps I’m venting, ’cause we’re finally at the end of the sabbatical, and I’m completely fed up. I’ve done her job, my job, someone else’s job for an auction (that’s what’s put me so behind in the work), and pretty soon, someone’s going to complain about something that didn’t get done. And when that happens, and I’m sure it will, it’ll be my fault for not doing the work. She will come to me, and ask why it didn’t get done. I will tell her I didn’t have the time, and I can only do so much. She will then ask why I didn’t delegate it to someone and get some help. I will then answer that everyone else has their own work they need to do. She will then say that we need to work on my control issues. Then everything will go back to the same old stuff. I just hope that when her dissertation is done, we will be able to continue with our jobs, with her helping me to do her work. I hope so. The other thing that bothers me. It’s just sort of expected that I know everything. Okay, yes, chances are that I know where to find something, or know how to get the information. But instead of, for example, going to the forms drawer, and getting out the form that they already know that they need, they will come to me and ask for it. I then tell them where it is. They look at me blankly. I then need to interrupt my work, again, and get up and get it for them. Can I show my displeasure at their idiocy? No. Because “our department is here to help the employees”. Pardon me for saying so, but that doesn’t mean I have to think for them. Or another example. Someone moves. They then decide that since I’m the benefits administrator (among other things), it’s my job to go to their health/dental/supplemental/life/retirement insurance people and let them know about it. No. You moved. You have the statements at home. You call them. I’m too busy trying to give you that increase that you’re complaining that I should have done last week. If I do something in my personal life – like move – *I* take care of those things myself. I think that’s the problem with managers. They forget what it’s like to work for something, ’cause they’re too busy deciding on it. Or this. This really peeves me. I’m literally at my desk, reading a novel, with a hamburger in my hand, shoes off. Someone comes to my cubicle – the open cubicle where you can see exactly what I’m doing at any given time – comes up behind me, “Oh, are you at lunch? Can I just ask you a quick question?”. Fine. It’s just a quick question for them. However, they fail to think about that part where the 6 other people have already come up to me and done the same thing. I REALLY love this. Someone is in my office. We are talking about work. We are discussing things. Someone else, comes up and wants me to do something for them at that moment. Or they interrupt to hand me something in my hand – my hand which is about 3 feet away from the inbox I practically keep in the hallway for their convenience. Then they have the nerve to ask (in front of the person I’m already working with) when they can expect to results of the whatever they just handed me.

Wow. I guess I was more frustrated than I thought I was with work.

I don’t think I vent about work as much as I should.

I don’t think I usually spew that much normally.

Three – The towing company. Our old car was supposed to be towed to the junkyard today. I came home, from work, to find it still in our spot at the carport. That just really topped my day.

Ugg. My life is truly frustrating my lately. But my, I feel better.

A couple of other things… I was mentioned in a source in an article on journal writing. I think that’s kind of cool. I was also mentioned in someone else’s journal. Apparently this person thinks I’m terribly boring, and shouldn’t be read. However – I’ve counted many hits that came from that page as a reference. I find that ironic.

I went to Bible study tonight. It was the first time in about a month, since the car was in the shop. I’m so glad I went. I love my group, and it gives me a chance just to be with other women. AND, the fact that they have childcare allows me to go. I take Joseph with me, and then Jay gets the chance to sleep, without interruptions. So, I went again tonight. I explained the situation that we’re in, and that we’re having to move in with my in-laws. They were so sympathetic, and they pretty much said a lot of “ahhh, I’m sorry”, which I really needed. I needed someone to feel bad for me, as selfish as that sounds. Instead of saying things like, “at least you have a place to go”, or “how generous of Jay’s parents!”. Yes those things are absolutely true. It’s a wonderful opportunity not available to many people. They’re incredibly generous to sacrifice their home and privacy. All true. But we’re giving up a lot to do it, and I’ve been feeling guilty that I don’t really want to do it. We’re doing it ’cause we have to, but that doesn’t mean that I want to. Frankly I despise the idea. I feel like we’re giving up control of our lives, or that we’re sacrificing our adulthood. We’re not. These are just reactions of mine to the situation. It felt sort of cathartic for someone to feel bad for me in this situation. It sort of let me release those feelings, and now I can get on with the practical things that need to happen. It’s not that I pity myself. I just really needed someone to see my side of things. And my group did that. I’m so glad that I did that.

We have an old car. A 1978 Pontiac Le Mans station wagon. It doesn’t run. We needed to find a place for it to go, get rid of it, since we’re moving. NOBODY, and I mean nobody wanted it. Finally, my search took me to a junkyard that is supposed to pay you for the car. It’s so old, I’m having to pay them to tow it away. That’s okay, ’cause it’s gonna be gone soon.

I don’t know how we’re going to pull off this move. Wednesday before Thanksgiving, it’s distribution day at my work. In other words we feed and give food boxes to disadvantaged people in San Jose. I’m going to be so wiped that I can’t do anything. The next day is Thanksgiving. Then I have Friday and Saturday to get everything out. And Sunday to clean and be completely out. I’m going to be so wiped out. I know that this will happen, but I’m still wondering how.

Joseph is 7 months old today. He was also dedicated today as well. A whole bunch of Jay’s family was there to see it. He was so good. In fact, during the prayer, he held Pastor Don’s face. It was wonderful. I’m so happy that it was done. We got a beautiful certificate that we’re going to frame and hang next to our marriage covenant. He looked adorable too. 🙂 He wore an outfit that my parents had given us. Anyway – nothing really more to add… Just wanted to commemorate the day. It’s an important one to us.

We went over for breakfast with my in-laws as usual after church. I felt much more relaxed with them. That’s a very good thing. This whole living there thing might be interesting. We may be moving (with them) too. The landlords hiked up the rent for them, so my father-in-law is thinking that he might as well pay just a couple hundred dollars more per month for a 4 bedroom 2 bath than he is for a 3 bedroom 1 bath. If so, we’ll be moving with them. But that’s up to them. We’re on their dime right now, so I don’t really care. It would be cool if that meant that Joseph would have his own room, but it probably means my mother-in-law would have her office back. I won’t make a fuss though, I’ll just hope. It’s their money. That’s all for the day. Whoo hoo. 2 in a row.

I haven’t been writing. Part of it is the fact that I’m a full time employee AND a mommy. But that’s not all. I want to try and outline all that’s been going on around here, so I can straighten out my head.

Jay and I are fine. The baby is great. He’ll be 7 months in 11 days. His last check-up showed that he was 19 pounds! He’s also 27 inches long. He’s a big beautiful boy.

Our car broke down. This would not be a big problem for most people. We’re not most people. We’re currently living week to week. $1200 to fix our car is a really big deal, so we really had to hustle to raise the money. In the meantime (so far it’s been over a week), we’re walking/bus/lightrail to work. This adds 2 hours to our commute each day. This, again, wouldn’t be a big deal. Except that Jay and I are on opposite schedules. He’s nights, I’m days. I’ve been 45 minutes to 2 hours late to work everyday for over a week. Uggg. Thank God I have an understanding boss.

Another reason I hadn’t been updating is the fact that I was helping to do a huge event at my work. This is not part of my usual job, so it was in addition to my regular work. Oh, my, gosh. I was exhausted every day coming home. I was working nights at home, and weekends as well. I don’t think anyone knew I was doing that except for my boss. Doing this journal requires me to think. So – It wasn’t happening. The event is over now, and the pressure is gone. Thank goodness.

Joseph is going to be dedicated at church this coming Sunday. Yay! PLEASE GOD, don’t let him cry! Let him blow bubbles or something when he gets up to the podium with the pastor.

We went down south last weekend to visit my parents. For once, it was a great visit. My parents are SOOOOOOOOOOOO great with the baby! And I finally replaced my wedding ring (I lost it) from a jewelry wholesaler. Yay!!!! It’s beautiful.

The big news is this. We’re moving in with my in-laws. We move the 24th. I have very ambivalent feelings about the whole thing. The goal here is to pay off our debts, and then to save to move somewhere less expensive. The whole thing is causing a raukus. Mainly because I feel that my mother-in-law doesn’t want us there. I’ve decided however, to let Jay field the family front. I’m along for the ride. I’ve done what I need to do. Created a plan and budget for our debts, I’m cleaning stuff out of our apartment, in preparation for the move. I’m trying to be very nice to my mother-in-law, even though I don’t think she wants me around. I won’t go into the details (because I’m exhausted by them), but suffice it to say there is a lot more drama then is necessary to do this. Jay says I’m a drama queen. He’s right. I’ll admit it. He also says I’m not causing any of this drama. He’s right there too. I’m just trying to remain really relaxed throughout all of this. This to shall pass. Uggg.

If any of you have any advice, I’d really appreciate it. Have you ever lived with your in-laws?

I’d better get going… I really am going to try and keep this up. I have a feeling I’m going to need to keep on venting. A lot.