I thought about it. I talked to mom. I’m sending the letter to Jeannette, with some small edits tomorrow. We’ll just have to wait and see. The way I see it, I’ve done what I can to get answers to my questions, since I really have no desire to meet with her in person, and I’m satisfied with that.

So, I’ve had to put off my personal drama about Jeannette in order to focus once again on Joseph. He is having such a terribly difficult time. He seems to cycle between good and bad weeks, and lately we’re in the bad weeks. Yesterday, he informed a teacher that he wanted to kill himself. She asked him how (?!) and he explained, very matter-of-factly that his friend Jack’s parents had a real gun, and he was going to bring it to school tomorrow (today) so Joseph could shoot himself in the head. Yeah, that’s what I thought too. So, I took the day off work today. I spent 45 minutes on the phone with his psychiatrist (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. He’s 5.) and he said he wasn’t too worried about what he said, as he doesn’t get that concept until about 7 years of age. He was more concerned about the other child bringing the gun. As was I. Spent another two hours in the office with the principal and the school psychologist. We’re going to be looking into Asperger’s Syndrome with the other potential diagnoses we’re looking into. Joseph’s also getting a 6th grade mentor to help with his homework so he’s not doing it so late at night after school, since the daycare won’t help him with it. They (the principal) also wanted me to take Joseph straight to his classroom and wait for the class there, since he’s such a problem on the playground. I had a few issues with that, which I voiced. 1. I would then be late everyday to work – I need to keep my job in order to pay for the psychiatric care. 2. He thinks everyone hates him, and this just propagates that. 3. Excuse me, isn’t the school supposed to be supervising him, and the district trying to find a solution instead? The psychologist agreed with me, and not the principal, so they’re going to be brainstorming today about another possible solution to his misbehavior in line, and call me today. The more I look at Asperger’s the more it seems to make sense. I called and left a message for the psychiatrist, in order to see if that might be the possibility, and test (how?) for that as well. We’re also still waiting on the cat scan. I threw out my back, my head feels like it’s gonna implode, and I just don’t know how to be a good mother at this point. The one bright spot in all of this?? Asperger’s doesn’t require medication, but occupational therapy, which would mean getting back into the good graces of the in-laws. Isn’t that sad?

The following is a letter to my biological mother, Jeannette. I haven’t sent it yet. I’m making sure that it’s what I want to do first, and making sure I have no more questions to add. It may open a can of worms in my family, but I may not get another chance – or the courage to do so. If she answers, great, if she doesn’t, I know I tried. Dear Jeannette, This is a difficult letter for me to write. I, however, express myself better with the written word, rather than on the phone or in person. I have questions. You

I think I’m going to write Jeannette a letter. Who knows if she’ll answer it. Who knows if it’ll open a can of worms. But, with her heart condition, what if I never have the chance? I’m going to think on it some more.

I keep wondering lately… Why now? Why am I so intrigued by first mom/adoptee websites? I’m not even technically an adoptee. I think everything’s coming to a head. I have this feeling that my mom is on her way out of this world. Yes, she has kidney disease, but it’s stage 2 (which is really good). She is being tested for cancer, but the oncologist seems to think her readings might be wonky due to the kidney disease, and while he has to run the tests for due dilligence, doesn’t think he’ll find anything. But I just have this feeling. I can’t quantify it, or explain it. Jeannette, my biological mother, is also on her way out. She has a bad heart that was damaged by a viral infection years ago. She needs a heart transplant. She hasn’t really decided if she’s going to get one. She told my mom that she’s not sure she wants a life in which it’s all doctors and medication, etc. I feel like I’m losing all my mothers – even though I don’t really know one of them. I haven’t seen her since I was about 10. And before that about 7, and before that when I was 4 and she left. I’ve spoken to her on the phone a handful of times. The last time was to tell her of my brother Robert’s death (technically her first cousin), and the arrangements. I didn’t want to, but I was trying to be there for my mom who’d just lost her son to suicide. Nothing at all was said other than the necessary facts. Let’s face it folks, she – who named me – spells my name wrong on corrospondence. So, we not talking about some stellar cosmic connection here. So, why do I feel this way? This feeling of doom hanging over me? I don’t understand it, really. I think it may have to do with all my unanswered questions. Who was my father? Was it true he was a \”client?\” Do I have an older sister lost to adoption? Do you actually know who my father was? Why – WHY – did you leave? Why didn’t you say goodbye? Or did you and I just don’t remember? Why have you not ONCE remembered the day I was born to me? Why haven’t you reached out now that you’re dying? You’re the last to know the answers to my questions! Where are Lee and Stacey? Do you know? Do you know if I have any nieces or nephews? I’ve been told that Jeannette is an habitual liar. But was that a lie fed to me? I was told all kinds of things, but was that told to me to make me feel better that she didn’t contact me? I don’t like all this bubbling up. I thought I was well adjusted for everything that’s happened to me in the past, of which Jeannette is just a part of. But all of a sudden I’m having flashbacks to bad things, bad times, bad memories. I have had at least 2 panic attacks – I think, since I’m not entirely sure what they feel like. I’m under a tremendous amount of stress at work and at home. Perhaps that’s what causing the bubble up? I just hate the fact that I might not be as adjusted as I thought I was, that I’m not as in control as I was. I like controlling my life. It just feels so out of control right now, which means I feel like I’M out of control. Nothing has turned out as I thought it would. I’ll be 31 in 2 weeks. When does it get better?