My bubby’s growing up! My little Logie is 1 today!!! I don’t even know what to say. I’m about to cry, and have no idea how to express what I’m feeling. Happiness that he’s still healthy and hasn’t had to have his heart surgery. Relief that we’ve survived the last year. Sadness that that first magical year is over. Sorrow that this is the last 1st birthday, since we’ll not be having any more children. It’s just all a mish mash of feelings. Sigh. In unrelated news, I’m giong to the Strawberry Festival on Saturday with Amy and a couple of her friends. And both my kids. Alone. Without Jay. What the hell am I thinking. Other than thank God for double strollers. On the one hand, I’m glad we’re going because I’m wanting to take the kids out on the weekends to have some family time. On the other hand, it’s a real pain and a handful, and if Joseph gets into one of his moods, downright embarrasing. We’ll see how it goes. I’ve got to remember to take the camera. I had my werigh in last night. I’m up another pound. Okay that’s it. I am not going to pay to gain weight, and dread weigh ins, and spend my time feeling guilty. So, since I’m not willing to live like that, it comes down to two choices. Quit or commit. I’m choosing commit. For two reasons. One, I feel it’s wrong for me to quit on Amy, since we decided to do this together. And two, myself. I’m tired of not liking what I see in the mirror. It’s all part of that bettering myself thing I’m into lately – at least the physical part anyway. So I’m recommited to doing the program if I’m going to do it all.

I’m starting to feel less stress in my life. I think it’s the routines I’ve been doing with flylady. I’ve noticed that when my outsides are organized, my insides are calmer. I’ve been getting to work on time, mornings aren’t hectic, and the house is getting cleaner in addition to being less cluttered. This is a very good thing. This all makes me feel very calm. And when I want to do something, I can do it without feeling the guilt of “but I haven’t cleaned the house!”. I think my home, and homemaking should be the number one priority, because it makes a home for my family. But before, it was always all or nothing. Now I’m doing a little at a time, in addition to regular upkeep, and it’s working! And when I’m done for the day, I’m done. I can go on to watch TV, play computer games, read, or stitch, without guilt. I like that. I feel so sorry for my husband. He hates his job. That’s just terrible to have to go someplace you hate day in and day out. But I reminded him this morning that it was just one more year. Then he’ll be making a huge career change, and he’ll hopefully be happier. I hope so. Everyone deserves to work at something they enjoy. A couple we’re friends with (Jay’s best friend Dave and his wife Shannon) were in a car accident on Mother’s day. Dave and Samantha (daughter) were okay, but the car hit them on Shannon’s side of the car. She has a black eye, burns on her arm and face, and bruising on her brain. She’ll be fine, but man that’s scary. I want to do something for them. The day to day stuff is what’s difficult when you go through something, so I wanted to maybe do laundry or clean or something like that. But Shannon just laughed at me, and said that they would take care of it, and to stop worrying so much. Ha. I guess I am a bit of a mother-hen. I can’t help it. I have Weight Watchers tonight. I’m not looking forward to it at all, ’cause I haven’t been doing well, and I just KNOW there’s going to be a gain. But I need to stop avoiding it and take care of it. If I’m going to have the body I wish to have, I’m going to have to do the work. It’s as simple as that. But I really want to whine and complain, and not do it. Hmph. But Amy is counting on me to be there, so I’ll be there with bells on.

Today was extraordinarily annoying. I’m just now having a chance to breathe. It’s been so busy. My boss decided that he was going to the UK and to Spain. On Friday. I had 2 business days to get him there. He leaves tonight, Monday, and I just found out on Friday. Unbelieveable. And more like 4:30pm on Friday. But, I managed to pull it off. I tell you, sometimes “Executive” people make me want to tear my hair out. Last night was the last night of the schedule from hell, so tonight, since Jay will be home at dinner time, I’m making dinner. And we’ll actually eat together. In the same room. So, I’m making him his favorite meal. I think we have the beginnings of a sleep walker in Joseph. He got into bed with us. Of course, I was comatose, so I didn’t notice any of this. At about 2am, he got out of our bed and wandered into the living room. All the lights were off. Jay followed him and scared the crap out of him, which meant that Jay had to rock him for a little bit. After all, Joseph had just seen a real “Monster” come out of the dark. And then he went back to bed in his own bed, and that was that. We have no idea what that little episode was all about. My little Logan is going to be 1 on Thursday. Can you believe it? No one is around, so this weekend I’m going to make and decorate cupcakes, and we’ll sing and have a gift and stuff, I think. And let him have his obligatory taste of REAL sugar. I’m not looking forward to this, because, I kid you not, Joseph was never again the same after that cake.

Happy Mother’s Day all. Today was a regular ol’ day here. I got breakfast in bed, gifts, and then I was stuck with the kids all day while Jay took a nap and then went to work. Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about this. I was hoping to be able to go to the movies by myself or SOMETHING. The gifts were lovely though. Jay gave me a huge candle that smells great. The kids gave me a decorative thing that’s a rose inside glass with a butterfly. Joseph picked it out himself, and he was VERY proud of it. I took the kids to the park this afternoon, ’cause I just had to get us out of the house since they were driving me mad. Joseph was very well behaved. I was proud of him. This is a much easier system for me to do my updating. A couple of clicks, and I’m done. Let me know how you like it.

Across the street from my work there is a Jewish synagogue. There was a fire there this morning, and it was arson. So, the fire department, police department, the FBI, as well as 6 newsvans. I looked it up, and it had already made the newswires. It turns out that it is connected to 3 other fires in the valley. The synagogue, an Iranian synagogue, a Ba’hai center, and a presbyterian church. They’re really hitting all the denominations aren’t they? Jay is working at a new store this week. He’s working different hours, since the store isn’t open yet, which has thrown our household into chaos. Usually he works from 10pm – 6:30am. He helps me get the kids ready in the morning (except for Tuesday & Thursday when he goes straight to school), I take the kids to the babysitter, he sleeps (or goes to school), picks the kids up at 3:30pm, I get home at 7pm (unless it’s grocery day, at which point it’s 8pm). We get the kids fed and to bed at 8pm. Then he gets ready and goes to work, I do housework. I go to bed, and we start the whole thing over again the next day. It’s a constant juggle. Especially on his school days. But this week his schedule is 3pm – 12am. So. He has the kids until noon (unless it’s a school day) and I’m picking them up, and we only see each other while I’m getting ready for work (unless it’s a school day at which point I don’t see him for 48 hours). This is nuts! At least it’s only for a week. My parents can’t help with the kids, since they’re traveling for the month of May. Arg. Sunday is Mother’s day. Will Jay remember? Hmmm. Don’t know, since I’m usually the one planning the stuff for my mom, and she’s not here this year. I’m sure I’ll have to remind him to call his mother (as well as send his card). Last year, I was ready to pop. I had Logan 3 days later. It’s odd that you remember the holidays that way once you’re a parent. Oh that was the year that so-and-so did such-and-such. I’ve been thinking about transfering my journal to someplace like DiaryLand. I want to just be able to write/vent, and click. Anyone know of anything good out there to help me with this?