I’m testing tomorrow for my yellow belt and it’s all I can currently think about. I’m scared. Jay has 6 nights off starting tonight, which will be really wonderful. I’m very excited about this. I’m weighing in tonight at Weight Watchers and I don’t think I’m going to like the results. I’m going through something, and I’m not sure I like what it says about me. I have a friend, Amy, whom I’ve mentioned here. She’s my best friend, the one who just had her wedding. Well, we’ve known each other since high school. She has another best friend, Stacey, who lives in Washington, where Amy’s dad lives. Now, Stacey is moveing here to start a new job, and is going to live with Amy and Dana for a little while, while she gets on her feet. She couldn’t find any work in Seattle. I’m very nervous about this. Don’t get me wrong. I love Stacey. She and I know each other through Amy, and I don’t have a problem with her in the least. This isn’t about her. I’m worried about her being here, that I’m going to not be important to Amy anymore. I’ve always felt in my secret heart of hearts that I was the \”replacement friend\” – since she lived out of town. In fact, that’s exactly what I WAS during the wedding. Since she was out of state, I did most of the Maid (matron in my case) of Honor duties, since Stacey couldn’t from where she was. I feel like I’m about to lose my best friend. And I feel very small for thinking that way. This move is good for Stacey. She’s starting a very good job, and is going to have the opportunity to get financially secure before moving into her own place, and Amy is going to finally live in the same town as her oldest friend in the whole wide world. So why do I feel like I’m going to be left out in the cold? No one has given me that impression at all. It’s all in my head, and I know this, and yet I can’t help but feel the dread building up. Serving sizes vary so much from label to label. What food has a serving size that really surprises you, or what food really challenges you to stick with it’s serving size? Some of the cereals, the more high fiber ones, surprise me in a good way. I can have more than I thought I could. What really challenges me though – pasta. A serving is one cup. This isn’t enough for me personally for pasta. It is really my trigger food. Big time. I have to save up my points, or whatever, so that I can just have as much as I want. Otherwise, I have to comepletely stay away from it. One cup? Ha! That’s a snack.

A few little things going on… We’re testing for our next belt this coming Thursday. I’m scared. We’re testing for the master. Very scary to me. He’s never in class, so we’ve got to be good. We’re going to a Taekwondo tournament in place of Jay’s party – Amy is going to babysit for us. I’m back on FlyLady. I got in a kick this weekend and deep cleaned the whole house. So I thought it would be the perfect time to implement a system that I know – and that I know works for me. 2 days, and I’ve still got a clean house. This isn’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I must say that when my outsides are in good order, my insides are in good order. Joseph has been \”helping\” me lately. This is a good thing. But he’s really got an attitude about anything, so whenever he does something positive, like helping me, or sharing with his brother, I really try to make a big deal out of it. Don’t know if it’s working though. I’m avoiding talking about the negatives lately… 9/11, Johnny Cash, and John Ritter are all giving me thoughts about war and terrorism, disease, death, and the impridictability of life, and the sheer tenuousness of it all. Frankly, day-to-day is such a struggle, and those thoughts tend to put me in a deep depression (along the lines of why bother?) so I’ve been barely touching the surface of them with my brain. In lighter news, I chopped off my hair. Very short. I’m still getting used to it. But since no one at work has mentioned it at all (and we’re not talking a trim, we’re talking drastic, you can’t miss it), I’m assuming all hate it. Oh well. It’s hair. It’ll grow back. Speaking of hair cuts, Logan got his first unofficial hair cut. I haven’t taken him yet, because I can’t see him sitting for someone to cut his hair. But it kept getting in his eyes. My mom took matters into her own hands and cut it out of his eyes. She did a splendid job, looks very nice. But she is so cute. She put the hair in a baggie with a note that she did it and the date for my baby book. How sweet is that?

AAAAAAAAarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg! Well, Jay’s birthday party got cancelled. Some people couldn’t come. But the kicker came when my own parents cancelled out on me so that they can go to Vegas. My mother knew about htis when I came up with the date, but she didn’t put it together until yesterday. So I cancelled, dammit. I’m very upset about this, and now I can’t thing of a thing to do for Jay’s birthday WITH the kids. I mean the kids were going to go to the party, but my parents were going to take them home with them, so that we could spend the night, and I could clean up the aftermath. Arg. And other things aren’t going so hot. Money is really tight right now. Between the car having a meltdown and Amy’s wedding, and my surgery we’re wiped out. I hate this. I really really hate this. The doling out of funds like a miser every week. Not having any extra for emergencies. And every time we start catching up, another emergency pops up – the car, or an emergency room visit, or the car insurance bill (which we only pay 2x a year). I’m sick of it. We have long term and short term goals, and yet there seems to be no way to reach them! It’s so frustrating. And the house is always a mess, and I can’t seem to get control of it. I just feel totally out of control, like a slob, unorganized, I feel like a terrible wife and mother. I never do anything fun with the kids, like go to the park or anything, because my weekends are devoted to cleaning, because I’m too totally wiped out during the week to do it. Plus, with Jay’s nighttime schedule and school, we’re more like to single parents in the same home, so it’s hard to help each other. I’m just so frustrated and really don’t like my life right now. The hard part is, I’m not sure what to do about it. Ug!

I did just fine in class yesterday without Jay. Held my own, got a great workout, and worked on my kicks – and I did the kicks pretty well, if I do say so myself. I went out to lunch yesterday at Chevy’s with Jen, a co-worker. And we saw David Hasselhoff. He was with his daughter, I believe. That man is entirely too tan. My wrist is killing me, and I can’t see the new Doctor until October – they won’t agree to change my primary care physician until then. Oh yay. Pain for another month. And that tooth that’s been bothering me forever finally fell out on it’s own. I can’t get THAT taken care of until November. I’ll have been on the dental for a year then, and then the third tier items will be covered. I’m terrified. Ever since the horrible bridge experience, in which they didn’t numb me, and I was crying so hard in the chair that the nurse had to leave. But Jen has a dentist that she says is the best, and I must go to her. So I will. In November. I gained half a pound, but I think it’s all muscle, because all my clothes are suddenly way too big. My tight, sexy, go out at night jeans (you know you all have them), now literally have to be held up by a belt, or they’re unwearable. I REALLY need to go shopping.

I’m going to go to TaeKwonDo today, by myself. Jay’s watching the kids. We’re going to have to pull off the uniform exchange in a manner worthy of \”Mission Impossible\”. You see, the kids can’t see me. If they do, and I leave 5 minutes later, there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth. So, I’m going to my parents house to change, and he’s going to have to bring me the uniform. Oy. I’m nervous about going by myself. Jay there sort of gives me validation that I should indeed be there. ‘Cause if he’s not looking at me funny, then I’m not making me a total ass out of myself. I know that I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. I’m the oldest in the class. I FEEL the oldest in the class as well. I feel like I’m not quite keeping up. It’s annoying.