Life is pretty on edge around here. Seriously. Dude. This enter-expletive-here is the kind that ulcers are made of. So, Jay and I were talking about how over time God has sort of faded out of the picture for us. And how I’ve been mad at Him. And about how it’s possible this is all going on to draw us closer to Him. We decided to go to church on Sunday. We still don’t particularly like the church. But it is Bible based, and for us, on a theological standpoint, that’s what’s important – that and they treat the kids well in the nursery. The message on Sunday was poignant to us, and our current troubles (trials and tribulations, if you will). And I’ve been praying more. I haven’t been praying lately, because I simply couldn’t. Quite literally, \”Hi God – \” and then I’d blank. I’d feel this desperate feeling I can only characterize as \”HELP!\” in an emotion. But I couldn’t articulate what I was feeling, or anything else for that matter. Today a few things happened. First, we found out that Dave did indeed cross the picket line. Jay talked to him. It basically came down to cross, or lose his house. He chose to cross. Jay began thinking in those lines, talked to me, talked to my parents, talked to his parents, talked to Dave again, talked to some store managers… And decided. Jay is going to cross the picket line. Please don’t email me any negative comments. We already feel like sell-outs. Sell-outs who haven’t paid 4 months worth of rent or utilites, who have friends who are going to lose their homes, who are about to have collectors calling the house, and who haven’t found another job after searching for over a month. We’re not qualified for government assistance, unemployment, or disability. So Jay has made this decision, and it will mean a paycheck coming in. Of course, that’s going to come with all kinds of other backlash. But the fact is, he’s going to be quitting to start a new career in, hopefully, 3 months. We’re still working out all the kinks, and we have to file legal paperwork to keep the union from suing us etc. Ugg. But we consider it a prayer answered. And I got a raise. A small one, but a raise just the same, which for us, today of all days, is answer to prayer as well. Perhaps, just maybe, hopefully, things are going to start to look up.

A new year. Dear God, make it a better one. I went through and archived my 2003 entries, and when I did, I realized that I have been doing this for about 4 years. Of course, that would be all kinds of different incarnations, and it actually goes back quite further, but I lost those files. Wow. That long of a presence on the web, and I have all of 3 people on my notify list. Which tells me I’m not too terribly fascinating. Ah well. Let’s see… My in-laws came to do a late Christmas with the kids last weekend. Oh joy. Was insulted by my mother-in-law. Lost our health insurance. Logan will no longer receive his special vaccine. Jay’s picketing pay has decreased to $100 per week. BTW – for those of you all who even bother with saying it’s better than nothing… It’s working full time to pay our gas money. Uh huh. It’s so not worth it. But there is nothing out there job wise. NOTHING. He’s got to finish school, and there is just no night crew work. OK, so maybe this year isn’t starting out so hot either. I started myself on eDiets. It’s cheaper than Weight Watchers in the long run, and I was getting a little bored after a year on it. So, we’ll see if I can lose the final 20 pounds this year. So far it’s 76 pounds in 19 months. 20 is all I have left. In fact, things were so stressful, and busy, that I just didn’t give me weight a second thought for the last 2 months. I didn’t go to meetings, and I didn’t weigh in, and I didn’t even bother with thought about my food. And I lost 4 pounds. Which just goes to show you how stressed out I am, since I was NOT eating healthfully. And I want to change that. So, we’ll see how I do on this program. If nothing else, it’s something new to learn. And I’ve started working out more. In addition to the TKD. I don’t want to be huffing and puffing and have no stamina in my classes, and I guess I need conditioning. This is also the year I’m going to quit smoking. I don’t know when or how. I’m still considering the how. I’ve tried before and failed. So I’ve been thinking about how I can best succeed at this. And only a smoker and former junkie/addict would know what I’m talking about. It was a crutch when I quit drugs, and I haven’t been able to get rid of it. My Gosh. It’s been 6 years, no speed. Anyway, I’d like to get off the nicotine. I’ve given up bothering with the caffeine, but I have cut down. All of this is supposed to make me feel better in a life that isn’t looking so good right now. Any bets on whether or not it will work?

I am slowly going insane here. I had from Christmas eve off untilJanuary 5th. Oh My Gosh. I can’t stand it. The kids are driving me mad. To top it all off, both the kids got sick with that bad flu over Christmas and they’re still getting over it. We’re talking 104 fevers here. It was bad. Jay and I are both hoping and praying for us not to get it too. The poor creatures were just miserable. I felt so sorry for them. Christmas went as well as can be expected. It’s still a little bit too much excitement for Joseph since he’s only three, but the fact that Santa ate his cookies, drank his milk, and left a thank you note was a really big hit with him. That excited him 🙂 He also helped me make the cookies for Santa, although I had to finish them myself. His attention finally got taken by something else. I’m hoping that it will be better for him next year, although I doubt it. Next year is the year we go to my in-laws, so there will be more people, and I’m afraid that will make it that more exhausting for the boy. We have one more year of Logan not really knowing what is going on. Then we’ll have two who know what’s going on at Christmas. So, the kids haven’t been able to go to the babysitter’s due to the fact that their noses are still running like sieves, even though they’re on the road to recovery. Crazy. I’m going crazy. And if I get shot ONE MORE TIME with the news thousand guns Joseph got for Christmas, I’m going to put them somewhere very uncomfortable. And yes, I have made a New Year’s Resolution. Two actually. No, make that three. I want to keep up with FlyLady. I’m just more calm when my house is clean and organized. I want to keep up with the healthy eating and excersize. I just sort of stopped the last couple of months. It was a concious choice though. With all the things going wrong right now, I just needed the brainpower for something else. I couldn’t handle one more thing in my mind. And finally, I want this to be the year I quit smoking. Only a former smoker, or former drug addict turned smoker would understand how hard that is.

I’m feeling quite a bit better, if harried, about the holidays. My boss actually gave me $500 cash in a Christmas card. How cool is my boss. And what does this mean? Gifts! Gifts for Jay and I, and gifts from Santa, the whole nine yards! I’m very excited about this. I was terribly depressed to have my son now comprehend a little bit more about santa, and christmas, and giving, and anticipation (he’s having a little trouble with Jesus and God, ’cause he can’t see them). I’m so excited. Of course that means I’m doing my shopping oh, 2 days before Christmas. But I have a plan. I went to Target today, and got all the kids stuff, and most of Jay’s. Tonight, I have to go to the grocery store, the bank, the gas station, and the bookstore. If I accomplish all of that tonight, I’m completely done. And still have the two days left in case I forgot something. I also got a \”Cookies for Santa\” making kit. I thought that Joseph could help me with it – and if it’s too much for him to help me with, then I’ll have fun myself. It has everything – the decorations, the cookie cutters… I’m not a baker, so I don’t have those things on hand. I thought it was a really cool idea. 🙂 And to top it all off, my parents (they’re on vacation) just called to tell me that they got me a new vaccum. You know, ’cause mine exploded and all. It’s really hectic though, or at least tomorrow is. Today at lunch, I shopped. After work, I’m shopping. Tomorrow, during the day, Jay’s shopping. The kids are having a Christmas party at Alma’s (Gosh, I’ve got to make two batches of cookies tonight), and then Jay is having a pot-luck on the picket line (hence the two batches), with the kids, since Santa is coming to give kids gifts. Then the next day is Christmas eve, and I only have to work a 1/2 day. Then it’s wrap wrap wrap after the kids go to sleep. I normally don’t like to leave it like that, but frankly, Joseph is sneaky, and with this new Santa thing, I’m going to have to wait. Or else, he’ll sneak out of bed and watch. Even though everything else is looking pretty bleak, Christmas is going to be good. Even though Joseph is sick, and has it coming out of both ends. But Dammit, I am determined to enjoy SOMETHING this year.

Nothing is good. I’m telling you, someone is against me. NOW, Jay’s car is broke down and is currently in the shop. Where it will stay. Since I have no money to get it out. This has GOT to have been the worst year of my life. But, since I have such an intuitive little boy, I’m going to have to put on my happy face, and take him to see Santa this weekend, when all I want to do is say \”Bah Hum-Bug\” and hide under the covers. I can’t even tell you how sick of all of this I am. And seriously, every time I think, \”I just can’t take one more thing right now,\” one more thing happens. It’s Murphy’s law in the worst way. I mean come on – where does it end??? The only good thing – which is SUCH a double edged sword – is that my parents are my landlords, and won’t throw me out. But don’t think I don’t hear about it EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. God, I truly hate my life right now. It sucks. It’s sucking the life right out of me. And I seem to be the only one around here who can see the big picture, out of everyone. All these suggestions. And I have to be the one to say, \”I’m sorry, but if we do ABC, then XYZ will happen and that’s not acceptable\”. But this in turn makes me look like I’m not doing anything to assuage our current circumstances. HELLO! I’m supporting my family thankyouverymuch. Why don’t you wait to tell me what you think about my life until you actually know what I’m living right now. Sorry – I’m just anti-people at the moment.