So, today was one of the worst mornings. You know the ones. We’ve all had them. I slept late. Therefor, I left late. On the way to Alma’s I realized that I forgot to bring her diapers for Logan. Get off the freeway, turn around, get the diapers, back on the freeway. By now it’s 8:45am. I have to be at work at 9am. I’ve still got the kids in the car. It’s not going to happen. I call Jennifer, the one who gives me the cold shoulder anytime I have to do something like this – let her know I’ll be really late. Get the kids into Alma’s. I park in her driveway. Well someone else dropping their kid off decided to double park behind me. I can’t move. Have to wait til she’s done chit-chatting, even though she SAW me, and told me she’d be quick. ARG! Then traffic was astronomically bad. I think there were some accidents, but I’m not sure. Stop and go the entire way, when normally, it that way in only a couple of specific places. I got to work 45 minutes late. There was no coffee left. And here I am. I hope the day gets better. I am in the process of re-vamping my life. Financially, personally, the whole shebang – even re-doing the house. So far, everything’s hopping along, and I’m not overwhelmed. I wrote everything down that I wanted to do, which helps me not to get overwhelmed. When I DON’T write it down, then whatever it is runs around my head over and over again in a loop. Once I write it down, I can forget about it, and then simply refer to the paper. But all that didn’t make any difference this morning.

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I’m FINALLY starting to feel a bit better. I can’t really get into it right now – I just don’t have the energy to hash it out – but we might have Joseph seen by a specialist. As in getting a referral to a pschiatrist. You wouldn’t think so, since he’s only almost 4, but the child is just simply too too too violent. There’s something wrong here. He’s not like a normal 4 year old. Jay and I are going to discuss it. We’re starting to worry for Logan’s safety around his brother. God, this is so painful. All I ever wanted since I was a little girl was a normal family. Now, I’ve got one who may need a heart transplant, and the other I’m trying to keep from growing into a homicidal freak. What am I going to do when they’re teenagers. I’m 28, and my hair is – literally – going gray. Silver to be more precise. Stuff that’s more fun than a lot of substance, since I just don’t have the extra brain power right now…

I’m still sick. This is really annoying to me. I finished my last antibiotic today. It’s a special kind, that will keep on going for another 4-5 days. I have no energy whatsoever. Everything is annoying to me. I hate feeling this way. Joseph has backslid on the potty training. He still goes number one on the potty, but all of a sudden he’s going number two in his pants. Arg. Parenting is hard. There is a reason we’re not having any more kids. A friend of mine, Carrie (and her husband Evan), are having a difficult time of it. Their daughter just started having seizures (she’s 6 months old), and after being normal up to this point, will probably be severly mentally retarded. I feel so bad for them. They’re the nicest people you’ll ever meet, and if this was to happen, this child will be taken care of in the most loving manner – she couldn’t have been born to better people. The hard part, however, is they just don’t know. They don’t know WHICH parts will develop and which won’t. They just know it’s bad. And as I know with Logan, the not knowing, the waiting-and-seeing is the hardest part. OK, so he’ll need a transplant, fine. Oh, but you don’t know when? It’s just snarky and stupid. I don’t like life right now. I just feel like everything is just too much to handle at the moment. Why can’t everything be happy, and contented, and pretty, and homey. Why does it always have to be dirty clothes, and snot, and poop, and whining, and stepping on that GAL DARN HOT WHEEL for the third time that day. Sigh