Ok, so let’s start out with the banal laundry list and then we’ll move onto the meatier stuff. The kids are doing well. Logan is now officially 3. They’re growing up and turning into little boys in front of my very eyes. What happened to my babies? We had orientation for Joseph’s school, and back to school night is next week. Job is less hectic, but good. Jay is still loving his job. Business is trying… We’re motivated but it’s still hard to build, though build we must and we’ll keep going… We have dreams we’re attempting to build. I spent last night in the emergency room. Too much blood during my period yet again. My boss gave me the card of her gynecologist, who, while board certified, is holistic in her approach. So, considering my spectacular problems with hormones, migraines, hormone imbalances, and hemmoraghing, it’ll be lovely to go to a doctor who doesn’t want to give me hormones, or a hysterectomy (which leads to further hormones). Living in fear that I won’t be able to drive home from work since my migraine has impaired my vision again is not an option for me. So, perhaps her holistic approach could help. It certainly won’t hurt. I need a gynecologist anyway on my new insurance. Now for the weightier issues. I seem to have embarked, without meaning to, on a self help mission. I’ve been feeling for a while that God seems to have left my life. I feel a spiritual emptiness. I also feel a physical emptiness, like my body isn’t mine anymore. I feel lost. I feel like I’m in some sort of crisis for my sanity. I hit the breaking point the other day when I had one child on one side of the driveway, one on the other, both in full temper-tantrum mode, and I was late to work, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I sat down and cried myself. When I got to work, I IM’d Jay that I needed to leave. I needed out. So we decided I needed to find some sort of solution for myself. I got a book (see sidebar) with different ideas for discipline for the kids, since they just don’t react the way other kids do, nor does the suggestions their doctors, grandparents, babysitters, parenting books, et al say they should. So, I’m hoping that getting creative will help in that area. Physically, I need to stop smoking, and I’ve felt a large urge to actually do it, which I’ve never felt before. I’ve started on vitamins. I’m thinking more about food from a nutritional standpoint, rather than a dieting standpoint. I was serious when I told Jay that I need to get away. I researched, looking for some kind of retreat, spa weekend, conference. Anything to get away. They all were either WEIRD (cleaning out my colon is NOT relaxation thankyouverymuch) or way too expensive. I finally looked into the next Women of Faith conference. I’d seen them advertised, but thought they’d be too expensive. It’s not. On the early bird registration, I can get two days of conference, including lunch, for $99. Hotel for the night, $99 at a decent hotel. By myself. Jay said to go for it. I’m going in September. In addition, we’re going to try a new church. It looks promising, and we’re going this weekend. I’m reading Leaving the Saints (see sidebar) right now, and the author talks about this spritiual NEED inside of her. A mantra of, \”please, please, please, please\” in her being. I get that. I feel that. For a long time, I haven’t been able to pray. And when I would try, the only cohesive thing I could think was, \”Please. Help.\” Suddenly, I feel like I’m on the cusp of something. What, I don’t know. Spiritual awakening? A newer, better, more intimate realtionship with Christ? A better belonging in my skin? Peace? I simply don’t know. I just know that I feel on the edge of something potentially good. I’m not sure what’s going to push me over that edge, and I don’t know what’s on the other side of it. I only know that for a long time all there was for as far as the horizon was a monotonous litany of emptiness.

Well, we did do the housecleaning on Saturday. I’m pleased. And pleasantly surprised by how it makes me want to really keep the house picked up, reorganize, declutter, and keep it looking nice. It relaxes me. And now, it’s like the guilt of \”dirty\” is gone, and I’ve been working on my arts and crafts projects, since on my downtime I don’t feel I have to clean, and when I feel overwhelmed and don’t – I then feel I don’t have the \”right\” to do enjoyable stuff like that. But they’ll be coming every other week. Managing the money will be interesting but I’m trying to keep to the budget. So, I like it. Something I never thought I would do, but I’m liking it. We have a big even this Saturday for our business, so I’m looking forward to that. In kid news, Jay and I have Joseph’s kindergarten orientation on Monday, and back to school night the week after. Very scary. Logan is working in the plus and minus column simultaneously. He’s been biting the kids. Ok, fine, most children go through this stage. The problem, with my stubborn kid, is he clamps down, and doesn’t let go, and has to have his jaw pried open by the babysitter. I actually agree with the bite them back method, but we’re not there when it happens, so we can’t. It worked with Joseph, but we were there to bite him back (still have a scar on my chest from a chunk he took out of me). But on the other end of the spectrum, he sat on the potty. Didn’t do anything while he was there, but it’s the first time he sat – and there were no tears of terror! The boys are so different in so many ways. When Joseph is mad at us, as fairly frequent occurrance, he yells, stamps, starts crying, and then rushes from the room, as he doesn’t want us to see him crying. Logan on the other hand, after the initial tantrum, will do the \”mean stare.\” It’s great. Think toddler poker face. He tilts his head down, then looks up at you from under his eyebrows, presses his lips together, and just stares. Doesn’t look away, doesn’t blink, and it is NOT a puppy dog look. It’s a vulcan death ray look, as if he just concentrates hard enough, *poof* he gets way. It’s a little disconcerting. Jay however turns the how long will it take to break him game. So the kittens are coming home soon. Note, that was plural. We’re taking home the litter (all two). Our life will soon be more chaotic. I really have GOT to get a digital camera.

Well, I’m doing something I never thought I would do. I am getting a housecleaning service… One would think that with as small a house that we have, I’d be able to keep up. I can’t. We do fine on picking up, laundry, dishes. But the CLEAN cleaning is a problem. We’re always so busy, and when we’re not actually booked, we’re too tired. I get an hour of downtime a night before bed. Do you think I want to scrub a toilet at that time? No. And on weekends, family time, business work, paperwork, bills, etc. And again, no time to clean. So I bit the bullet. I’m not going to get better at this housekeeping thing – at least when I look back on the 7 years of marriage thus far. We’re hiring someone. And it costs about as much as my nails do. So, if we get tight and don’t have the money for it, my nails go away. I want the clean house bad. Mentally speaking, I berate myself constantly for not being a good housekeeper. Or, when I think there’s something I want to do, I thin, \”Well, I can’t do THAT until I have a clean house.\” Why am I putting all this pressure on myself over dirt for goodness sake! So instead, I’m doing something about it. Except, I think, now I’ll have guilt over the fact that I *can’t* keep my family’s home clean by myself and I should. I’m just going to have to get over it and enjoy my clean home. The other obstacle, of course, is the fact that my parents live next door, and have their ever-lovin’ nose in our business constantly. This week, however, they won’t be here when the lady comes, so I won’t have a problem. But I think I’m going to have to have her come on Saturdays (when I’m there) instead of during the week, because I won’t be able to run interference with my father who’s liable to \”keep and eye on them.\” Sigh. There are some definite drawbacks to this whole living close to your parents thing. \”Everybody Loves Raymond\” had it right. They were doing an epidsode on Ray and Debra figuring out where to move to. Ray drew a dot on his parent’s home, and drew a circle around it. That was a no-zone, since they’d be able to drop by every day. The next circle was an okay zone, since it was more of a once a week trip. The next circle, however, was again a no-zone, because that was far enough for them to spend the night. In another random factoid, my boss apparently thinks I sound like Snow White. She was getting ready for work in her bathroom, and on the news they were interviewing Disney characters, as their 50th anniversary is coming up. Then she heard them interview Snow White, and she came running out since she thought I was in the room. My boss’ boss, the big kahuna, thinks I should do voice overs. Denise, a couple of bosses ago, thought I sounded like the airport lady (The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only…). I guess I have my \”work phone\” voice, my intercom voice, my losing my mind voice, etc. So now, I think I’ll be snow white, voicing over the airport lady message. That’s my next career. Think there’s any money in it? Our business is moving along. Signed someone up as a member (think Costco membership) yesterday. It’ll be great because she has to buy major bulk items every week, and has no time to shop. This way it’ll come to her house. A business owner under us has some prospects that are interested. We have a big even in 2 weeks. Everything is moving right along. In fact, I think this month or next will put us at the next percentage bracket in commission. That’s wonderful! Joseph is almost all registered for kindergarten. I sent the notarized letter today saying that yes, we do indeed live here. His physical and shots are next week. Orientation is the week after that, and back to school night is the week after that. Of course, school doesn’t start until Aug. 28th, but hey, all in the name of preparation.

So what’s new with you? As for us… Jay’s been to the doctor. I won’t go into too many details, but let’s just say there’s scar tissue from his vasectomy, and let’s leave it at that. Don’t yet know what to do about it, but we’re working on that part. I went to the dermatologist yesterday. There was a mole that changed, and Jay didn’t like the look of it (it was on my back, I still haven’t seen it). So I go in fully prepared for the doctor to say, \”Oh that’s not a problem.\” Instead he biopsied my back. Excuse me? Right there. What is it with me and these people. The last two times I’ve had trouble and thought I should see a doctor, they’ve gouged something out of me. First my wisdom tooth, as well as going further into the jaw due to a \”shadow\” on the Xray. Now this. The bad news? I don’t find out if it’s cancer for 2 weeks. My whole mother’s side of the family has had skin cancer, so regardless of the results, the doctor said that I now have to have a full skin check every year. Speaking of yearly exams, does anyone know the age you’re supposed to start getting annual mammograms? 30? 35? 40? Guess I’ll ask my gyn next time I have an appointment. Job is going very well for me. I’m now reading scripts, and breaking them down to prep them for a music budget for the film. Very cool. And interesting. One, I’m a voracious reader, so this is no big deal. Two, I’m very visual, and have a photographic memory, so I have no trouble picturing the scenes in my head. This is more responsibility, and that’s cool. Jay now has a job title (his position was a new position). He is the West Coast Design Supervisor. And in addition to drawing stuff that has already been designed, he’s designing new stuff. In fact, due to his designs, for a project, they were able to charge a $900 design fee. He was very excited about that. Joseph is up north with Jay’s parents for the week. He should have fun. I have my own issues with the whole thing. Basically, without going into the whole story, because I’ve already hashed it out too many times, from now on, they either have to take both kids, or make arrangements for two trips to keep it fair. Logan’s too old now. They either make an effort to know both kids, or they can just visit at our house. Period. And luckilly, Jay agreed 100%. I think that’s all the news. A friend of mine is getting married at the end of the month. We’re not able to go. I’m bummed about that. We just can’t justify the costs. We’d have to stay with Jay’s parents to cut on hotel costs, but we still wouldn’t be able to afford the gas for a 12 hour drive roundtrip. I don’t know. It just sucks. Did something as parents last night we’d not done before. Changed the poopy diaper of a sleeping kid. He fell asleep during his movie last night. We went in when we heard the credits music, but we also smelled him. So we tag teamed him. He stayed asleep! It was quite fascinating to watch. Jay and I are going to a (free) empoyee screening of The Ring Two here on the lot tomorrow night. We keep trying to do stuff like this but stuff keeps coming up. One time is was a screening of Ray and I had my jaw surgery. Then it was an audience thing for \”Joey,\” and we both got terrible colds. This time I hope we can do it, ’cause the first one scared the beejesus out of us. And that’s the recap of the last couple of weeks. Carry on with your lives…

Tomorrow, my little baby, my firtborn, love of my life/bane of my existence, will turn 5 years old. At 4:36 am. I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to think about that. We’re going to take him to Robots tomorrow night. He’s also mentioned Power Rangers SPD quite a few times. I had never heard of it, but I found it. That’ll be at least one of his presents. Then at the end of the month we’re going to joint birthday, per his request, with Logan (who turns 3 next month) at Chuck E. Cheese. Joy. His other grandparents, my in-laws, will be there. They will probably take him back with them up north for a few days. The last couple days have been rough around our house as Jay and I were sick. A weird kind of sick. We both had fevers and felt crummy. But at the same time, we didn’t have stomach flu symptoms, or cold symptoms. Sucked, let me tell you. Hmmmm. Items in the news… Camilla and Charles… I have no idea about that. It seems that they’ve been in love forever. Fine. It’s just too bad that Charles didn’t have balls enough when they could have done something about it without hurting people. And the Pope’s passing… I’m not Catholic, but he was a very good man. And I’m just utterly fascinated by the whole process. Both by the ceremony of his death, as well as the rituals in voting in a new Pope. The flute playing is going well. That’s not to say that it sounds good, it doesn’t. But I’ve been consistent about practicing, which is good. I still haven’t heard Jay practice on the sax. I think he may do it right when he gets home – which is about an hour or more before I do. Perhaps he embarassed? He’s never played an instrument before in his life, so I think he very brave. But he may not see it that way. Lots of miscellania in my life right now it seems.