So, Joseph started school, and LOVES it. I’m so glad he does. And yesterday, his third day of school, he was learning how to write his name. Plus, the child education center (childcare) on the school grounds let me know that our tuition assistance came through, and they’re going to cover 80%! What a blessing and a relief. I started softball on our work team. Went to the first practice last night, and the first word that comes to mind is Ow! After that – I’ve noticed that there are 4 basic ideas you need to know. Run, hit, catch, throw. I can’t catch. I can’t throw. But I can sure hit! And run! I was rather proud of myself (thought I couldn’t hit to save my life). Out of all my practice hits, I missed three, and fouled 2. All the rest were nice base run hits (I’m reguritating what I heard last night – I have no idea what I just said). I think this will be fun. Another practice tonight, and can I remind you… Ow.

I am going to be playing softball with my work. My mother sincerely is afraid for me, which should tell you my clutz level right there. I’m getting my equipment tonight, ’cause I think we’re going to have some practices this week. This should be very very very interesting. Of sitcom fodder perportions. I’m a little overwhemed at work, and therefore don’t want to talk about it (or do it for that matter – hence this entry). Joseph started school yesterday. It just doesn’t seem right! Kindergarten – their backpacks are bigger than they are! He loves it. \”Mrs. Saylor is pretty.\” He thinks he’s pretty hot stuff, ’cause we told him he doesn’t need a nap anymore, just quiet time – and he has a chore now. What’s that Spiderman line? \”With greatness comes great responsibility\”?? Well, that’s the line we took with him anyway.

There’s a reason I don’t write very much… Most of my life is the same, day in and day out. Day in, day out. There’s not a whole lot to report of ruminate on. Tonight I helped save a dog. Actually that makes it sound WAY too dramatic… I was on the computer and Jay was up for something, and I heard, \”What the fuck!\” The way his voice sounded made me get up and look. I just saw big dog butt go into the back yard/garage area. So I just went out started calling her, kissing sounds, patting my leg – Jay thought I had lost my mind. And he was right to think that, I mean this was a BIG BIG DOG. She reminded me of Winston, Jay’s parents dog, who is a Chesapeake Bay Retreiver, but with longer hair. But it was something about her gait. Like she had arthritis. But she came to me, and I as she came out fo the fark, I saw her eyes. Dogs have such expressive eyes. No, she was just a big old dog – with a collar! Good job owners! So we found the number on the collar and Jay called, but it was busy. So he started knocking on doors – she wasn’t dirty enough to have come far. She kept wanting to go away, but would let me pet her if I called her. Finally I just sat on the ground so she was taller than me, to see if she’d stay. So, what did she do? (By the way her collar said \”Buttercup\”) She laid down (which took a while – did I mention old?) put her paw on my arm, and gave me her belly. So, I just rubbed her belly. Jay finally got through on the phone – he had no luck door to door, and lo and behold the owner just lived 3 doors down. While I was petting her, her mouth kept twitching. I thought maybe she was trying to bare her teeth at me – but no, when her owner came, she told us she has siezures (she’s on seizure medication), and when it happens her mouth twitches. And she was 15 years old. The lady had to tell me to stop petting her since she wouldn’t get up and go with her. She got up and just looked at me like, \”Hey lady, I’ve got a sucker here who’ll rub my belly forever, why are you making me go home?\” Awwwww. But we officially did our good deed for the day 🙂 In other facets of our life, we’ve got an awful lot of struggles going on, but I have a headache and just don’t wish to relive it all right now… My in-laws came this weekend. Enough said. I’m thinking I want to do a redesign, so if you come and it looks all different and stuff, you know why.

Well the services were good, the trip draining, the experience surreal. To answer some questions… He hung himself. Yes, he wrote a note. Yes, he was depressed. Yes, he was mentally unstable. I spoke at the funeral for my father who couldn’t speak. Some questions he has caused to hang in air… What’s Matthew, his 23 year old son who just came to live with him going to do? What’s his girlfriend going to do with all his 17 acres of stuff? And does this existent cycle of mental instability and depression so prevelent in my mother’s side of the family ever end? I don’t really want to go over the details of the past week or so… Not because they’re so private, but because they’ve already been rehashed so many time – I’m just drained about it. As for the future, my mom hasn’t gotten angry yet – and I’m not looking forward to when that happens. I live next door to her after all. Til next time…

Well. I have terrible news. There’s no way to say it except to just say it. My oldest brother, Robert, hung himself the day before yesterday. At 3am. There is so much backstory, and baggage, and conflicting feelings right now. My mom is up north with his live-in girlfriend of 6 years, who is devestated. My mom is helping her financially with all the arrangements and as next of kin legally since they weren’t married. I’ve had to take and make all the phone calls, since my parents were on vacation when this happened, and went directly to Robert’s home. Robert’s girlfriend called me since my parents were on vacation and she couldn’t get ahold of them. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy – telling your own mother that her firstborn son has hung himself and is dead – over the phone no less. I’ll be going up there for the services, but the coroner hasn’t released his body yet. He left a note. I haven’t been able to read it yet, but my mom has. The coroner had to keep the original, but his girlfriend was allowed to keep a copy (she thought my mom would want it and she was right). For now, I’ll be mom’s eyes and ears and buffer. I’ve been trying to push this from my mind and just be there for my mother – but I’ve had to speak with people on my mother’s behalf that I just really do NOT want to speak with… Such as my brother’s ex-wife whose actions went a long way towards this suicide – and her new husband who also went a long way to this. Talking to my biological mother. Haven’t done that since I was 11 – yeah that was easy (technically my brother is my and her cousin). I have to call another cousin that I have some backstory with who is estranged from the family today. This is just so hard. Sometimes I think I’m not taking this hard enough, since he was brother. Other times I think I’m taking it too hard, since we weren’t close, and he didn’t like me (he had issues with my mother taking me in as a baby). And I’m angry. And sad. And confused. And very very very grieved on bahalf of my mother who just lost the only child she actually bore from her womb at 18 – she’s 75 now. I’m spent.