Um, it’s raining. A lot. With BIG THUNDER AND LIGHTENING!!!!! Oh, and I forgot to mention HAIL! And no, the house didn’t fall down around our ears – although it sure as heck sounded like it was. That is all.

I’ve been away for a long time it seems… It’s as if there are so many things running through my head in a bunch of different topics, and then when I sit to write about them, I’m a total blank. I can’t do it here, but I wanted to maybe set up three seperate blogs… My journal, tracking for my weight loss, and tracking my spiritual studies. But it looks as though I can’t do that without paying more than I am here, which wouldn’t be fiscally responsible right now. That or free accounts which have advertising everywhere blinking at everyone – which I can’t stand. So I probably wouldn’t update so that I wouldn’t annoy myself. Why don’t I just do a topical update here for now, and then I may figure out how to do a set page for spiritual stuff, and then for weight loss, rather than an ongoing blogstyle for those topics. To update: Kids… Joseph is doing well in school. Logan is stretching his wings. I often feel like a mean mommy. I don’t spend the quality time with them that I should, and I don’t do certain things that \”good\” mommies do. I’m tired all the time, and they’ll just end up fighting about stuff, and I end up defeated before I even try. I don’t know how to break this circle. Maybe things might be a little easier when Logan is older. Things of that nature are easier with Joseph, although his temper tantrums when they happen are certainly more powerful. I don’t know. I just feel so selfish all the time, but I don’t know how to undo that? I don’t know how to be a better mom… I think this is going to take some study on my part. However, a lot of the \”how-to\” \”self-help\” products/books/information are so darn holistic/touchy-feely that their either a total mismatch for my personality or touch on things that I don’t believe in in parenting. Women is Goddess meets Earth Mother. I’m more analytical about things, and anything too intimate makes me feel gross. I know I’m holding on to baggage as far as that goes. Don’t get me wrong. My kids get multiple hugs/kisses/I Love Yous a day. But to show you my personality, my mother complains that I never hug her. She’s right. I don’t. I feel very uncomfortable about it. Wow that turned into a rant didn’t it? But just to show you, my best friend grabs me and hugs me anyway. ‘Cause I don’t know if I should. My best friend. My mother. The only people without complaints about THAT are my kids and husband. For some reason I have to problem with that (being touched) with them. ANYONE else, no matter how close, I have a problem with. It’s almost like I don’t know when it’s appropriate. Is now the right time for a hug? And men? Forget about it. I know that’s a result of the rapes. But still. My best friends’ husbands all know to just come up and touch and hug – ’cause it’ll never happen otherwise. Maybe Jay told them? I don’t know. But I know they make the effort so I don’t have to. Believe it or not – I just don’t know how all of that sounds, but i’m grateful for that. Wow – I had no idea I was going to write about any of that. Let’s move on, shall we… Work is one big stressball. We’re facing layoffs at work. Again. I just faced that less than a year ago at my last job – which is how ended up at this job! I think my boss understands how my mind works though, because she took me aside last week to tell me I’m safe (she’s part of the decision making team, so she knows who’s going and not goin) and told me I’m \”safe\” and not to worry. She’s probably worried I’d get an ulcer. So, while I won’t be losing my own job, I’m probably going to see co-workers head on out. I’m so glad and grateful it’s not my job to tell them. I realize that sounds selfish, but the truth of the matter is I’d probably get the ulcer from that rather than losing my own job. Jay’s job seems to be the same way. Not a layoff situation, but I think that makes it worse in his case. A couple people were flat out fired for job related incidents, a couple of them walked off the job, and it looks like still more might. Jay is trying to stay out of it. In his words, \”Jay-Jay don’t know nuthin’.\” He also seems to have a lot more of the backbiting and bad office politics than I do. Which is strange since I work in the entertainment industry and he works in architectural metals. Odd that. I joined Weight Watchers – again. I’m really struggling with my weight, and I’m really struggling with staying on the program. I joined it because (jumping to next topic)… My health isn’t doing too well. It’s really kind of bizarre. Those of you who’ve been with me a while know I have a birth defect called uterine didelphys. As a side effect of this defect, I usually bleed too much (like hemorrhage actually – ER, etc). Birth control pills really do help with the cramps and bleeding but – TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING – I bleed as much as 3 tampons an hour one of the days of my period. To put it in perspective, You’re a normal woman with one uterus. Now double the cramps, and double the blood. Anyway, birth control helps, but causes major neurological migraines that starts to come on more and more frequently until I’m completely disabled (the migraines have the usual light sensitivity and nausea, but I also lose speech and vision – makes things like child rearing and driving and working and reading and writing difficult). So, before I took this job almost a year ago, I quit the birth control, because of the migraines – I certainly couldn’t start a new job out like that. 6 months later like clockwork (can you tell I’ve done this before) the heavy bleeding started again. I hemmoraged again (about scared the crap out of my boss) while at work. She recommended her gyno, who, while an M.D., is holistic and homeopathic. Her thinking was, maybe there are herbs or something, since the regular medical establishment always says \”hormones\” and that’s not working for me. So I went. Her bedside manner leaves a LOT to be desired. I did a hormone panel as a baseline. I was utterly SHOCKED! It was normal! So we also did an ultrasound. It turns out, I have fibroids. They’re in a position that shouldn’t cause any symptoms, and they’re small. Fine. Then she told me to take an herb called Shepherd’s Purse for the bleeding. She also told me I need to eat for my body. She said that I needed to do the blood type diet, combined with a cortisol (stress hormone) reducing diet, combined with a hormone balancing diet. I got so confused I joined Weight Watchers. I’m doing the core program which is more wholesome, less processed foods. Well, fine. However, it’s now been 11 weeks since my last period. I usually go 5 weeks in between. So technically now, I’ve missed two. I’ve NEVER done that except when pregnant (and Jay’s had a vasectomy). So I called the doctor. She’ll never see you without doing a blood pregnancy test. Fine, I went to do the pregnancy test. Definitely NOT pregnant. When I found out the results, I asked that the doctor call me to let me know what the next step is. Wait longer? Wait and see? What? No call for another week. So I called again. This time, I was asked to do a pregnancy test (um, already did – oh!). So they said for me to make an appointment. Um, yeah. I called you – I’m on the phone – that’s what I’m calling for. Oh. Well, she’s gone on a conference. We don’t have her new schedule yet. Call back on Tuesday. I’m truly considering starting the process all over with a new doctor. But that’s the whole point. I’m not exactly a run-of-the-mill case, so NOW what. What’s strange is, my gut is bloated. I’ve not gained more weight. I’ve lost a couple pounds in little increments, and my wedding rings are looser, but my gut is even more bloated, and kind of hard, not jiggly. So now what? I’m not sleeping well, I don’t feel great. I’m fatigued most of the time. I don’t know what to think. Hopefully I’ll have an appointment next week. Since this is getting way too long… I’ll just stop.

I don’t know what to say. Throughout my days, I think, \”Gosh, that should go in the journal,\” or, \”Gosh, I want to remember that.\” Then I open the page to update and I draw a blank. I mean there’s various things going on in my life right now, and I can’t seem to put any of it into words, and it’s really frustrating me. So. I’ve gone and found some prompts – so while some of this may seem like it’s coming from left field… it’s something for me to write about. My greatest joy is actually difficult. My kids. But my kids are not necessarilly joys. One has medical conditions that create a great deal of sorrow and stress if left to dwell on them. The other is a ball of energy – which can be positive or negative energy. Which is just so friggin’ draining. And yet, to have not have carried them, birthed them, watched them grow? So, still, they are my greatest joy. My other greatest joy is my husband. Actually – he can be quite annoying. And just so… male. And yet, I have this love, this companionship, this champion in my life. The knowledge that someone is there because he wants to be there is powerful and humbling. He’s there because he loves me. Little ol’ me. I’m greatful for that.

Softball starts next week… Here’s hoping I don’t make an ass out of myself. I went to back-to-school night last night. Here’s a conundrum for you – why in heaven’s name don’t they provide childcare (games in the cafeteria maybe?) when they expect both parents, and no kids allowed? This makes no sense to me whatsoever. So, Jay stayed home with the kids, and I went, since he did orientation. This public school wants a lot of our money – let me just tell you. As for volunteering, I am now the book order mom. I can do this without taking time off work, so that works great (not to mention my love of all things books). In fact, I’m excited about it! I had to write a letter excusing our family and Joseph from the \”Witches Cauldren\” booth for the Halloween Haunt, their biggest fundraiser. I would have been okay with him participating, if it was dress up (I get veto power) and a class party with cupcakes, you know? But no – it’s this big festival, with haunted stuff, and the kindergartners are doing the witches cauldron – so I shudder to think what the older classes are doing. I’m sorry it’s the biggest fundraiser, but I can’t allow him to participate when I tell him certain things are wrong – same with MY participation. So far, I haven’t seen any backlash which is good. I’m sorry – but my son is in public school? So why have I shelled out so much money – and why are they expecting so much more money from me? I shouldn’t have to pay for supplies for the whole class. I mean, I’m going to – Joseph’s teacher shouldn’t have to pay for it out of pocket – but my point is – where are my taxpayer dollars going??? We are poor people living in a very affluent community. The schools are GREAT! People move here for the school district. In fact, our high school is #2 in the nation. I don’t have a complaint about the education my child is receiving – I’m just saying that they’re expecting a rather high financial contribution from someone who’s poor, who put their child in public school – while still paying for child care since Kindergarten is half day – plus more childcare for the child not yet old enough for school. It’s very frustrating, and I just don’t understand it.

Give Give. Give as much as you can. I worked for CityTeam Ministries for four years. I know that they do good, honest, truly helpful work. Help them rebuild the New Orleans Mission It’s the children that are breaking my heart. Proud Participant Hurricane Katrina: Blog for Relief Weekend