Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Beginning of the End

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Today is Monday.

I have survived one week on Nablopomo.

Today begins my last week at work.  This is the last Monday I have to go in.  I’m actually taking my laptop with me, because I’m no longer on the computer, my replacement is.  This is good.  But I still have to be able to access my work email in case any stragglers didn’t listen to my email last week.

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

SO SO WEIRD.

One thing I’m curious about, and a little anxious too – how is Poe going to react?  Reality hasn’t set in yet, as I’m still working.  Is he going to be jealous?  He knows that I’m going to be taking on a lot of what he’s done, which will lessen the stress on him.  But still.  Come this Monday, I don’t have to go to work, and he does.  I wonder how it’ll shake out in his mind.  He wants me to do this – let’s make that clear.  But, wow, that’s a lot of pressure for someone.  You are now the sole breadwinner for 4 people, and…. GO!  But then, the trade off is not doing laundry, and home cooking, and a peaceful home.  Hopefully.  The goal anyway.

I sit here dreading today.  I gave three months notice people.  I’m ready to be on the other side and DONE already.

Marriage Meets Blogging

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My husband is fine with my blog.  Sometimes he reads, sometimes he doesn’t.  Sometimes he’ll read something, because I specifically told him to.  He understands that writing things down in any form is how I get it out of my head.  For Mother’s Day, he got me a great coffee mug that said “Mommy Blogger.”  For Father’s Day, I got him one that said “Blog Fodder.”  (Get it?  Father…  Fodder?  I thought it was funny)

Last night we were at our computers.  We started talking about something, and I guess he put his foot in it.  All of a sudden he starts talking faster and faster, and louder and louder, and I’m remaining silent (and my mouth open.)  His finale was “FINE!  I LOVE YOU OKAY????  I LOVE YOU, THAT’S IT!  I’M DONE…  Oh My God this is blog fodder isn’t it?”

And while I cannot for the life of me remember what we were arguing about…  I’ll remember that moment.

Consequences of Change in a Family

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As an aside, and nothing to do with my post:  It just majorly thundered and started pouring rain.  In addition, it’s hot and supposed to be 90.  My children do not understand the concept of summer thunderstorms, living in southern California, they’re rare.  Now I’ll have to explain that they do NOT indeed need to bundle up.

Anyway.

My husband and I fought all weekend.  Now, you must understand something…  We don’t fight.  No really, we don’t.  He may get annoyed with me.  I may find him exasperating at times.  But we work it out.  Usually, only one of us is upset in someway, and the other person helps figure it out, and make the other feel better.  But both of us angry and going at it?  Very very very rarely.  This weekend it happened twice.  My husband, though, refuses to go to bed angry, and so we had to hash it out both times.

We finally came to the conclusion that due to the major life change about to happen: Me coming home from work, and starting a business, and the health insurance switch (a major stressor to me due to the issues with the boys) has me completely on edge and unhappy.  Basically, ’cause I don’t deal well with limbo, and I really want to just be done with it all and on the other side.  Poe is fairly sensitive to my moods, and as a result has been completely oversensitive about everything, feeling as though I’m attacking him, when I’m merely venting about a situation (which, really, has nothing to do with him.)  We both find his reaction a little strange, ’cause of my PMS, he’s used to dealing with my moods, so we decided he’s on edge about the changes coming as well.

Anyway – we worked things out, and plan on keeping it all in mind in dealing with each other in the future, now that we’ve brought it out in the open.

As a side benefit though?  My husband cleans when he’s angry.  This burst of fighting has left me with a clean kitchen, clean bathroom, vacuumed rugs, and not a stitch of dirty laundry in the house.

Should we fight more often?

All is Right with the World

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My husband is home.  He spent this weekend on open ocean deep sea fishing with some friends at work and their family.  The quid pro quo of BlogHer.  We each got a trip – we don’t travel, funds low and the like, and we both really needed the treats.

He just got home, this morning, unexpectedly, as the waters were too choppy to stay out.  Suddenly, the axis shifted, and all was right in my world again.

We’re always together other than work.  He truly is my best friend, and we’re both a bit antisocial and homebodies.

But this weekend, I had to do the “man” stuff.  I had to take out the trash (his job.)  Fine, I handled that.  But he’s also the bug man.  I had to clear ant manifestations in 4 rooms.  I swear we were under attack, I think they’re looking for water.  And then a gnarly looking spider that tried to get Joseph while he was peeing.  Chunky, black, with a yellow stripe down it’s back.  And I played WoW, without him next to me.  All done like I knew what I was doing.  But then I realized – all done minus joy.  Minus my best friend.

My best friend’s home now, and I feel normal again.

Comment Questions 2

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Pardon the slight radio silence…  Had a technical glitch which has been fixed.

In keeping with the questions asked (which you totally can still do…  Ask away) I have the questions asked by Mickey.

What helped you battle your drug addiction? What keeps you up?

What helped me battle…  It is a hard question.  I never actually participated in a rehab program of any sort.  What happened, is in the span of 3 days:

  • I found out that a drug dealer was after me for the bad debt of my ex-boyfriend (mistakenly believing the ex would care.)
  • Left my apartment because those I lived with left, and I couldn’t stand those who moved in.
  • Started for Northern California with my brother, and a hundred bucks in my pocket and all my worldly possessions.

I didn’t actually MEAN to get clean.  But leaving L.A. meant the dealer after me would forget about me.  And moving 350 miles away meant that I didn’t know a soul – including those that could give me drugs.

I lived in a church dormitory.  A friend was living there, and they decided to give me a break.  Possibly the best thing that ever happened to me.  There was no privacy.  We literally had cubicles (like in an office), and shared a bathroom and showers (although we had individual curtains.  Boys separate from girls.  And that’s where I went through withdrawals.  I’m not sure I even knew what they were at the time.  I just remember that one girl asked me to go to church with her every couple of days – other than that they left me alone.  I suspect they were keeping an eye on me, but didn’t want to intervene unless needed.

After that – it was fairly easy.  I still thought about speed pretty much all the time, but didn’t know how to get it.  I was in a strange city, with no car, and no clue the place to go.  So I used the opportunity.

There was one after effect that I had a hard time with, which was insomnia.  My longest go on speed was no sleep or food for 12 days.  I drank water, but I didn’t want food – it grossed me out when I was high on meth.  But my usual was about 48 hours up, sleep, 48 hours up, sleep.  Well, my nocturnal clock was all messed up, so even though I wasn’t chemically stimulated I still couldn’t sleep!  I had finally found a job at a drug store (ha! – I’m so not kidding!) and they had these cd’s on sale…  Sort of like musak, but really good.  Instrumentals.  Anyway I would listen to that cd at bedtime, and ONLY at bedtime…  Eventually I was able to “cue” myself to going to sleep.  To this day, I still have the CD (over a decade later) and it is still relaxing to me.  It was another 3 and a half years up north, and then we moved back here.  By then, I’d met and married my husband, and had my first child.  I have no interest in screwing up my life.  I know no one who could get it for me.  I’ve been clean since October of 1997.

And she had another question – unrelated I think:

To quote Father Arrupe, have you ever fallen in love, a love that makes you wake up in the morning excited for the day?

Yes.  I have.  I’m still in love with my husband.  Although, I think it’s grown to a more mature, and all encompassing love than that first swooning infatuation.  He was not my first love, however (he knows this.)  I was in love twice before.  Both, however, I believe I lost me in it.  But most definitely it was love.  But Oh my Gosh was it destructive.  With Poe, however, it’s a strong, committed, respectful, honest, two way, fun, breathtaking kind of love.  It was fast.  But we just plain knew.  And now we’re over the decade hump – and yes I would marry him again.

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