Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

At What Point Do I Get To Lose It?

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So, I lose at NaBloPoMo. I really did try, and then real-life kicked my ass in ways I’ve been unable or unwilling to talk about to this point.

First, my parents decided to usurp my parental authority. THAT WAS FUN. That’s a new dynamic I’m not used to – they’re usually very good at letting us be parents, and letting them be grandparents, and not blurring that line. It’s a pretty significant line seeing as how they’re together with the kids a lot, and we live right next door, so boundaries in the relationship are important.

So Thanksgiving. Yeah. My parents were no-shows. So, that was fun. Because of my mother’s health issues, AND my mother’s mental health issues, I have no idea if “mom’s sick” is actually, “mom’s sick,” or if it’s “we’re pissed off at you and so we’re going to pull the martyr/passive aggressive card to punish you.” Because my emotional maturity surpassed theirs about a decade ago, I truly, truly do not know which is the case. Yes, my mother is very aggressively ill. But has been so for the last 6 years. And because of her alzheimer’s she has a tendency to revert to past behavior (ie what made my difficult childhood difficult) there’s really no telling. I feel like a total bitch for not taking “mom’s sick” at face-value, but there it is.

Topping that – I made end of life arrangements for her on behalf of my father. Nothing like saying, “Yeah, she could go tonight. Or she could go 5 years from now. What do I do?”

And then Poe didn’t get an important promotion he really wanted, and I lost a client. I didn’t totally lose it, so I’m making progress in terms of how financial security plays a role in my own anxiety. But! The person he relieves is leaving and he’s stepping into the role, so it looks like he might be getting an inadvertent promotion anyway which is a good thing. It hasn’t happened yet, so we don’t know for sure, but if it happens, that’s a good thing for us.

And finally the big one.

I don’t talk too much, anymore, about my kids on my blog. At a certain point, their stories become theirs, and my mentioning them is really an invasion of privacy. I’m not totally sure where the lines are actually drawn, so I’ve just been going with my gut. But the latest “episode” in the saga of Joseph has really effected me, and so I’m sharing. Technically, he had 3 diagnoses. ADHD Inattentive Type, Social Anxiety, and “Mood Disorder.” The mood disorder was really depression – except that he didn’t fall into the time constraints to be diagnosed as such.

Well… Until he expressed suicidal thoughts.

There’s nothing quite like the gut-punch that is a 12 year old wanting to commit suicide because he feels like he’s too much of a burden to you.

He, however, has a tremendous team around him, and quite frankly, good parents who give a shit. And so, with further talking and testing, he’s no longer diagnosed with “Mood Disorder” but with Clinical Depression. We think it was probably always there, but a more mild form. Enough that his current medication helped with it (although he’s on it for other reasons). But puberty has hit with a vengeance, and we think that’s what finally tipped the scales into full blown Clinical Depression. Since his issues are of a brain chemistry variety, and Clinical Depression has to do with brain chemistry as well, adding hormones to the mix just blew the whole thing up.

He is safe – always was between us and the team – thank God. But as his mom… Dear God. A burden? God. We are, actually, very careful with our words around here. Always honest, but always, ALWAYS with the knowledge that words wound, and especially wound people with sensitivity and anxiety issues.

I’m so glad he was born to us, as opposed to anyone else in our families. Our families are rife with mental illness ranging from anxiety to Depression to BiPolar Disorder. Our family is rife with suicides. But also – our family is rife with not speaking about it, not getting help, not medicating where actually necessary, ignoring the symptoms, and labeling as “Bad.” I thank God that Poe and I decided we were not going to continue on our families’ path. It means we’re pretty much ignored and ostracized. Too much truth telling is scary for them.

But if we weren’t who we are? If we didn’t make that decision? Would Joseph be dead?

While I’m am grateful for us and his team catching it fast, and I’m grateful there is help for him, and I’m grateful we don’t stick our heads in the sand…

Some days I just want to scream. I want to scream and bury my head and not get out of bed. I want to get drunk and forget everything. I want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone or anything.

I can’t do that.

I’m responsible.

I care.

I advocate.

And everyone else expects that from me too.

But really… At what point do I get to lose my shit?

What Can Make Me Fall

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There is one thing that will take me out of the running of Winner of Life.

Migraines.

Ugh.

I’m a woman who gave birth to two children, in spite of a reproductive birth defect.

I’m a woman who has continued working and running a household through two bouts of pneumonia.

I can care for a sick parent, coddle the other parent, see a cardiologist for one kid, and IEP meeting for another kid, and run a business in one day (with cape and combat boots, obviously).

But a migraine comes and I can.not.function.

Poe wasn’t here last night/this morning because he had work (he works nights). I knew that the combination of barometric pressure, my lack of allergy meds (no money to buy them), and my period – and their hormones – on the way was a perfect storm of a migraine on the horizon. And sure enough I was awakened by the searing pain out of dead sleep at 3:30am. I HATE THAT. That means there’s no way to get ahead of the pain with meds. I sent a poorly typed text message to Poe at that moment to bring home allergy sinus headache medicine (the good stuff behind the counter you have sign your life away for). It has to be the stuff that says Sinus Pressure, or else it won’t have the good stuff meth makers use – hence the sign your life away stuff. I also had him buy “headache medicine” because all we had in the house was ibuprofen, and for me at least, that doesn’t work on any kind of headache.

As an aside? Apparently there’s no excedrin?? WTF?? Their site still exists, but they had a recall something like a year ago for a particular batch, and it was taken off the shelves – but it has never returned to our local stores. That was the one OTC that I could count on to work. I have no health insurance (for the grown-ups, the kids have insurance), which means I can’t go get the prescription stuff, ’cause I can’t afford the visit or the prescription.

There is just no way to explain a migraine to someone who has never had one. Poe finally understands. He had a brain variance about 9 years ago, which is where a portion of the brain sort of seizes up. While he recovered from that, he was left with migraines, so he knows the pain I’m feeling. So he literally walked in the door this morning and shoved the medicine boxes in my hand, and said, “Do you have something to drink? Do you need to eat first, or will you just throw up? Don’t worry I’ll take Logan to school, and I’ve got everything else.” He gets it.

So, in the middle of a migraine, with absolutely no meds, I managed to make sure two boys were ready for school, fed, clothed, and teeth brushed, and got one of them out the door on time to his ride. I don’t remember doing any of it. Then I took the meds, gave the rest of life up to Poe, and crashed for 4 hours, while the meds took effect. They have. I’m upright now. It’s still there, but as long as I stay ahead of the pain with medicine, The next two days will be painful but manageable.

If you have Migraines you already know this… But for those new to the game? Here are some tips I’ve learned along the way.

  • Have drapes on the windows and close them.
  • If you can get out of driving anywhere, do it. Otherwise, I guarantee you the sun’s going to hit a window and reflect back directly through your eyes and penetrate your brain with blinding pain.
  • Migraines are usually localized to one part. So arrange your body on the bed to put counter pressure on that part. Mine are frequently in my right temple, so I sleep on my right side, with the heel of my hand squarely on the right temple. If it’s all around, make sure you have king size pillows, wrap one completely around your head, and use your arm to keep it in place. Another technique that works on an all-around is a semi-tight ski cap. It seems to help with counteracting the “my skull will actually explode” feeling.
  • If you smoke, have a cigarette before you go down.
  • If you drink caffeine, have some before you go down.
  • Use Your Medicine every 3 1/2 hours if they are 4 hour pills. Otherwise you’re going to be chasing the pain again.
  • If you can eat something, eat something light as it may come up again. If you do throw up, get that medicine in your system again, even if you don’t want to.
  • Let the people in your household know what’s going on. Kids need to not yell, etc. In my house, everyone can tell that it’s serious, because I sort of turn a gray color. That can be a little scary for my kids, but at least they can tell Mom’s not in a bad mood, Mom’s in pain.
  • Let your partner help. My husband hates all my bodily quirks – not because he’s a jerk, but because he can’t fix it and make it better. Men like to fix things. So… I make sure he helps instead of sloughing him off, “No, it’s okay, I can do it.” I find it’s better for him mentally if he’s helping me, like he did this morning. He can’t take the migraine away, but by golly he can make sure I try to eat. (I am so lucky it’s not even funny. I love that man.)

    • I used to have Pre-Symptoms. They were very unpleasant. Numbness in my extremities, loss of peripheral vision, speech impediments… Very stroke like in nature. But! The good news about them was, they were precursors. I could try and head the pain off at the pass, and I was often successful. The last few years though, I don’t get the pre-symptoms. Just – no pain, OMG PAIN.

    Anyway. If you have migraines, I’m sorry. I totally get you.

    Please Read This Article

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    Before I share the link with you, let me explain where I’m coming from.  I have a child with mental issues.  I told the school going in that they were there, and they refused to provide services, an evaluation, or early intervention.  As a result, due to their “zero tolerance” policy, my child was almost expelled from school for expressing his anger.  At the age of 5.  Unable to attend another district school.  What I did in that case was fight tooth and nail for an IEP, which would then provide him protections under the disabilities act.  It forced them to help my son rather than kick him out.  And yet, another child tormented mine for YEARS.  But he never did anything that came under the “zero tolerance” policy.  The result of that?  My son being institutionalized when he couldn’t take any more.  Then one of the “patients” tried to kill my child by choking him to death.  That was a fun middle of the night phone call.

    You tell me, which was worse?  What did the most damage?  My son getting pissed off at his teacher at the age of 5 (when they still get naps in school for God’s sake) or my son being driven into a mental institution?  We have had to fight long and hard for my son to have an atmosphere where they are helping my son instead of “managing” my son.

    Think about your kids, what they do, what the consequences should be, and what they currently are.  What is it going to do to their psyche in the long run?  I am very far from the touchy-feely earth momma, terrified to allow their precious child’s “creativity” be stifled.  We’re highly disciplined around here.  We maintain serious control.  Because of my kids’ issues, it provides safety and sanity for them.  However – as “mean” as we are, we are able to understand the difference between play and violence, toys and firearms, playacting versus intent, and when they are just being kids.

    This isn’t about politics.  This is about my child.  This is about how it effected my son.  The long term issues have been such a struggle stemming back to that one day.  And now?  Will he be able to have his dreams?  Since it wasn’t a criminal matter – even though the police got involved without ever talking to me – because he wasn’t charged with a crime, I can’t have his “record” sealed.  Background checks will now show mental institutionalization.  He has wanted for years to become a Marine like his dad.  Will he ever be able to now?

    Here’s the article: Zero Tolerance Policies: Are the Schools Becoming Police States?

    I’m just the mom

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    If you’ve been arou d the block with me, you know that one of my kids is on medication for mental health issues. That medication is not a cure, but in his words, “it makes my head calm.” It makes it so he can concentrate easier, think more clearly, and allows him to pause and make choices. He has therapy twice a week plus psychiatric care since he’s on medication.

    We came to the medication decision after literally years of discussion, research, and prayer. He has a growing body and growing brain. We take his medication rather seriously. We expect others to do the same – especially his medical providers.

    Last week I ran out of meds. There weren’t any refills. I called the psychiatrist. I got his nurse. His voicemail etc goes through her since he has patients most of the time in his office. I told her the problem. “But I see here he has an appointment next week. ” “Well, yes he does. But he doesn’t have enough pills to make it.”. “I’ll tell the doctor, but I’m pretty sure he’ll say ‘no’.”

    I knew he’d say yes. This medication is working, we’d not discussed taking me off, and he’s been very clear he trusts my parenting instincts. When I didn’t hear back, I knew what had happened. The nurse decided she knew what was best. When I called back she told me I would just have to wait to talk to the doctor at our appointment. “Oh don’t worry, I will.”

    I had a feeling that she never talked to the doctor. Sure enough, I get there and he didn’t know he was out of meds. And the reason? Because she didn’t put the refill in the system to begin with. He checked that because he specifically didn’t want us without meds. So, yeah. I totally got he in trouble. And he then told me how to get around the gatekeeper to get straight to him should we have trouble in the future.

    It is so rare, as a special needs parent that I’m feel vindication. I think I’ll bask.

    Do you want the Good news or Bad news first?

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    Let’s go with good first.  Joseph and his diagnosis.  I’ve been pretty forthright here about his issues.  I haven’t said what meds he’s on, or our specific therapeutic choices.  Suffice it to say – we’re on it.  However, after our foray into the psychiatric hospital system, the discharge diagnosis was bipolar disorder.  Well – one therapist agreed, and one psychiatrist disagreed.  On the one hand, something that’s treatable!  On the other hand, lifelong medications, and an increased risk list the size of my arm.  We had the opportunity, however, to participate in a children’s bipolar study at UCLA.  After 5 hours of testing and talking, talking and testing (there was a break in there so the doctor could do an awake brain surgery oh my jesus ::shiver::) Here’s something fascinating.  He couldn’t have participated in the study (regardless of diagnosis.)  He’s left handed.  Lefty’s have a different brain mapping than righty’s and so they wouldn’t have been able to compare brain maps of apples to apples.  I find that fascinating.  Anyway – They came to the conclusion that he is NOT bipolar.  However, they were able to diagnose social phobia, mood disorder NOS (actually clinical depression, but can’t call it that as the time involved doesn’t meet the clinical requirements) and ADHD Inattentive Type (in otherwords, no hyperactivity.)  All of this?  Feels MUCH more like him than other diagnoses we’ve had.  And so we move on from here with that.

    Now the bad.  My mom’s in the hospital again.  Vomiting blood, transfusions, heart rate going down to 33.  They got her heart rate up  again, however, she’s vomiting blood again.  Things were looking up, but now not so much.  Prayers appreciated.  I’m sticking close to home in case I get “called” to the hospital.  Those are not good calls.

    And the yuck, but not life and death yuck – we have no toilets.  We have to be roto-rootered, but that has to be done from the roof, as their equipment won’t fit under the house.  But they won’t come to our roof.  Something about not wanting to be struck by lightening we’re having right now.  Sheesh!  And, on top of everything else, I’m planning a bachelorette party, and am a Matron of Honor in a wedding in three weeks.

    I’ve always had broad shoulders.  I guess I’m just having to use them.

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