Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

An Update

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First of all, thank you to those who commented or emailed in regards to my mother. It’s appreciated. She may be coming home today. They’re optomistic. We’ll see.

As for me. Well, I had my doctor’s appointment today. My symptoms are weird and fall into a gray area. I have some but not all of the symptoms of angina. [Side note: is it pronounced ang-eye-na or an-gin-a?] Enough that it warranted an EKG this morning. And the EKG results were in a gray area too. Not “great – no problems” – more of a hmmmmm reaction from my doctor. So, I’m going to be having a chest xray and fast blood tests. In addition, he’s decided to treat both possibilities. Real chest pain? Nitro. Maybe just really severe heartburn/reflux? Omeprazole to suppress stomach acid. We’ll see what happens and I go in again next week.

I called my boss when I was waiting for my prescriptions (mom usually does those kinds of errands for me, and well – that can’t happen). I wanted her to know that I was going to be a little later than anticipated, and what was going on, and she told me to stay home. And she knows me too well. “And do NOT feel guilty!”

I’m kind of tired of the curveballs, you know?

The Thanksgiving That Wasn’t

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So. Remember how I was going to be home alone. And it would be lovely and quiet?

Well, those first two days were.

Then, I started having – well continued having mild symptoms, and it only now dawned on me as to what it could be. So I’ve made the first appointment of the day Monday to talk to a doctor about cardiac symtoms.

Then on Thanksgiving I got a call at 5am to come pick up Joseph… My mother was going into the hospital.

She might or might not come home today.

So. I’m a little discombobulated, don’t feel well, and completely missed a holiday. Please, forgive the lack of entries.

Mom.

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Dear Mom,

You’re mom. You’re the one who raised me. You’re the one who loved me when she didn’t. You’re the one who wanted me when she didn’t. You’re the one who rocked me to sleep when I couldn’t stop crying – when she didn’t come back. You’re the one who’s kissed the boo boos. You’re the one who got all ghetto (as only a white chick with a blonde fro’ and 5’2″ can) on the mother of the kid at that party – you know the one. We’ve had so many ups and downs – and then more downs. And yet – despite all that – you’re still here. You’re still with me. You’re still for me.

You’re the one my kids go to get sneaked gum (and jelly beans – and popsicles). You’re the one who will let them stay up late to watch tv with you. You spoil the kids as only grandparents can and have license to do.

You still bail us out financially. You still don’t blink an eye at paying for a bill, ’cause you know I’m the only kid who’ll pay you back.

You love those kids. Love them so much that I sometimes get jealous. Isn’t that strange?

But mom.

Please.

Don’t die. I already had one die. You can’t die too. This kidney thing? It’s gotta stop. I can’t imagine making it through life without the one person – the only person – who actually was happy I existed as a baby. You know what the backs of my ears looked like. You cannot die. Robert then Jeannette. Not you too. I don’t know how I’ll survive.

I’ll never send this to you. Never ever. It would upset you. It would upset you that I’m upset. And that’s why I won’t send it. You’re the only one other than Jay that ever got upset on my behalf. So you won’t get this – your heart can’t take it. I know that. That’s why with you? We won’t talk about death. We’ll talk about life. And the kids. And husbands.

Just please? Hang on a little longer.

Love,
Michele

wow

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I’m having a lot harder time with this than I anticipated. I’ve had to take my allotted bereavement leave today and tomorrow from work. I didn’t think I’d have to do it. I mean, she didn’t raise me from 4 years old on, right? But I feel much much more than I thought I would. I’m sorry if the entries are small and disjointed for now. I need some time.

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