We went on a desert trip… The Starry Safari at The Living Desert. First off – VERY VERY Cool. You go and have an animal show in the evening (it’s educational, we went with Joseph’s first grade class), then drop our stuff in our teepees and have dinner. Then a trip through the zoo in the dark to see the nocturnal animals. Then campfire, smores, songs, and bed. The next morning – bright and early, pack up breakfast, then another walk through the zoo, to see the daytime animals.

I really recommend it. But that’s not what this post is about.

Joseph has received a diagnosis. Disruptive Behavioral Disorder NOS.

NOS stands for “not otherwise specified.” In other words, conduct problems or oppositional behavior exist and cause clinically significant impairment but don’t meet criteria for a diagnosis of ODD or Conduct disorder.

With this in mind… And the excess stimuli etc, we weren’t expecting what we found… First off? We are WAY more strict than we thought we were. And really – we’re doing something right. Those kids ran amok. WITH THEIR PARENTS THERE. Now let me put this in perspective – we’re in a wild animal park… At night… With NO lights, other than our personal lanterns. We’ve been told, for our SAFETY, no running, no yelling, and stay on the path. The running and on the path rule due to the complete darkness, and the yelling because it disturbs the wild animals. Hmmmmm… It would seem that parents would want to enforce the children to follow those rules.

…not so much.

I was actually embarrassed for those parents. Because you, in my humble opinion, do NOT just shrug with a “watcha gonna do” look on your face. Had my children been acting like that, we would have physically picked them up, taken them to the side, and given them “the talk.”

But we didn’t have to. Because both the boys were angels. No, don’t look at me like that! Poe and I nearly passed out when we realized they were being this good. ESPECIALLY in comparison with the other kids. And I have proof. At two separate occasions, park workers specifically took us aside to tell us how well our kids were behaving, how polite they were, and that it reflects on us as parents.

We passed out again.

So, this proved to us, as we talked about it on the way home, that 1) Yeah – we are really strict and 2) It’s paying off, if we can take them somewhere with a little danger, exciting things to do and see, and other excited children, and they still behave like gentlemen.

Don’t get me wrong! They’re not automatons! The were really excited about the animals (Logan could hardly contain himself with some), and camping out, but they didn’t turn into banshees. Joseph did have a moment of almost tantrum because he couldn’t “go play too.” But when we explain that those kids weren’t supposed to be “playing,” (ie literally running around in circles screaming) he was fine.

There is one thing though… I think perhaps our kids were switched out for the trip. The proof, if their behavior wasn’t enough? Neither wanted chocolate on their smores.

Blasphemy.

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She’s sick. She may be dying.

She doesn’t want to die.

She’s worried.

When she worries, she makes her heart troubles flair up. Her heart troubles are unrelated, but when she gets upset and her heart acts up, well, that equals unstable on her vitals. Which means no tests. To find out what’s wrong.

My father wants me to call and talk to her. He knows I’ll be blunt and straight with her.

But I can’t right now – I’m crying too hard – and she was getting a breathing treatment.

I’ll try again in 15 minutes.

Mom’s back in the hospital again.

It’s the best place for her though at this point.

I’m numb. After almost losing her, it’s limbo again. Am I worried? Yes. Am I anxious? Yes. Does this put a crimp in some plans? Yes. Do I want to know WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER? Yes.

But I feel like I should be feeling something more. Something… More.

I’m numb. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know if I’m just a cold calous person? A cold dead heart? Or is it all gonna hit me like a ton of bricks and I’ll be a mess?

Or have a just merrilly moved right along, brushing past the big feelings because they hurt like I’ve done for most of my life?

I’m numb.

Mom may end up in the hospital again today.

We’ll see.

I’m so tired.

And I’m trying to convince my father that he needs some part time help, nursing help… He can’t leave her alone (she’s been falling down) and so he had to cancel his sinus cat scan today. He needs that done. Oy.

I hate this in flux shit. I really do. I’m stressed, but can’t really do anything about it except pray. While I know everything’s in God’s hands, it’s not helping my stress even out. Nothing is.

Slight update… My parents are home.

My mom extracted a promise from my father when everyone thought she was dying, he’s now balking at it and so mom is pissed at him.

So – Things are sort of back to normal.

She sees numerous specialists today, which will determine 1) tests to find the real problem and 2) whether she needs to be in the hospital for those tests.

We shall see.

But if she gets her way on this “promise” – it will be VERY good for Poe, the kids, and I.

But my father hates change. Always has, always will, and will make it all as uncomfortable as possible.

We’ll see.

But I’m at work, which is why I have a moment to breathe. This last weekend entailed picking up and transporting my parents (which was an adventure, my mother’s still very sick, and very unsteady), the car breaking down (again), and Poe getting food poisoning.

I’m really kind of done right now. In everything. I want to sleep.