I’ve been worrying about my sister and my relationship with her.

Mainly – my fear was that she would get all the information about her mother’s side of the family (medical mental etc), and then just disappear.

I sent a letter to her (mailed yesterday) that tells her what I want. I’m simply better writing it down that actually getting words to spit out of my mouth coherently. I told her that I do want a relationship with her. I want to be sisters to the extent that we can after such a separation. With pictures.

I got an email from her last night. She hadn’t received or even known about the letter. She thanked me for contacting her, because for the first time, as a parent, she has peace. She’s not doomed to follow in Jeannette’s footsteps because she actually loves her children. And she said that as far as now what? She said let’s go with the flow and see what happens. So, since I had a fear of rejection (hmmmmmmm wonder where that came from) this is very assuring to me.

It was a really lovely email. From my sister. I just love saying that.

I did it. I wrote my little sister, and little brother, and potential father at all the addresses found for all of them. We’ll see if they answer. But I did it, I wrote them.

I’ve come up on a block. I don’t knwo what the problem is. Through my searching and several search angels, I’ve come upon some good address contact info for my two younger siblings, and possibly even the older sister.

I haven’t written them.

I’m scared. I feel like I’m going into a panic attack. I’m trying to calm myself down because I don’t HAVE to write them. Only if I want to. But I DO want to. So why aren’t I?

I know some of the reasons on my older sister. I don’t know the legalities, since I didn’t get the information through whatever agency. I don’t even know if she knows she was adopted. I don’t want to cause problems there.

As for the younger two… Sheer fear of rejection. I’m scared.

I’m scared.