I talked to Poe last night. About everything bothering me. Was a little snippet that turned into us lounging on the bed talking in between being interrupted by the kids, feeding them dinner, then eating our dinner, and then after dinner. Still talking.
It was good. He thinks, and I agree, that all this unhappiness is because I want to stay home, and I can’t, and I’m rational about it, but it’s not what’ll make me happy. He’s right. I keep trying to be the happy housewife, and it’s just impossible. You know, with the being away from the house 10 hours a day. He suggested a couple of things: 1. Try and get my spirit right with God, because whenever I do, I have peace. 2. Try to figure out a budget plan with an emphasis on debt management to get me home sooner.
He also has things he wants to work on but that’s between him and God.
He’s right.
It was an odd conversation, filled with a bunch of research I’ve been doing on femininity, households, biblical wives, and household tips. His input was basically that yes, he’d LOVE me to be a stay at home wife and mother, but does not want me to turn into some robot. He doesn’t want sweet and submissive. He wants me. Heh. But I knew what he meant. I said, “But – that’s not biblical!” He said, “Of course it is. You respect me and my opinions. You always have. What’s not biblical about that?” I had no answer.
I know I don’t talk to much about my faith here. Perhaps I’m just a coward. But I have it – the faith I mean. And I’ve been struggling with it the last few years. Not my faith in God and Jesus. But pretty much every other thing entailed.
In addition I feel like I was hoodwinked by my parents, by society at large. You Can Have It All! Just Get a Good Education!! Get a Good Job!!
They didn’t tell me that when I got married and had children I would want to stay home and make a home for all of them, and write. So now, I’m stuck in this Good Job!! and trapped by student loans for my husband’s Good Education!!
All I want to do is create a home for my husband to come home to, that’s peaceful (for myself), that’s peaceful for them, and write in between. And I’m trapped by finances.
I got suckered.
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