angst

NOTE: The following post is all true however written during a fit of PMS, and therefore is felt a little more acutely.

I don’t know where this entry is going to go, but I know I need to write.

Bottom line? I hurt.

I hurt physically, I hurt mentally. I think I know how to fix my life but I don’t do it.

I’m going to just list them, ’cause I need to reorder my thoughts, and just get it all out of my head.

I need to simplify my life. Mentally speaking, I’m just torn in too many directions. So, since I AM talking mentally cleaning house, I cancelled all my survey sites. Anything that pops into my inbox that I routinely delete without reading (that’s not spam), I’m unsubscribing from. This includes adoption lists. Hearing others’ pain right now is just too much for me to handle – I know I need to concentrate on my own shit – so I’m backing away. I’m highly empathetic so I needed to step away. Also the same reason I no longer watch the news before bed. I dream of these horrible situations and needs and I can’t help. So, I’m simplifying my online life. Since I spend so much time on the computer for a variety of things, this is important.

No, the blog and it’s upkeep and NOT going away. I have some hopes for its evolution, and I need a place that’s mine all mine.

Things are okay at my work, and getting better at Poe’s work. But not so great in our business. I think Poe wants to quit. But until he makes that decision, I’m in limbo land. I told him – to put it crassly – to shit or get off the pot. I’ll support anything with grace, and I’ll help with anything with love, but I hate being in limbo and I need him to make a decision. So we’re waiting on that. If he decides to quit, I’ll be cancelling some things and reallocating some funds and that sort of thing. Which would be kind of a relief as it would be something less to think of. If he decides to go on with it, then I need to gear things up again and direct the flow of things. And NO, to answer someone’s question, Poe does not direct my life and what I want to do. But I’m not doing this business alone. And his portion is something he’s not sure he wants to do. And I’m not forcing him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Frankly, we have enough of that in our life.

And, of course, financially, money sucks. There are so many things I’d like to do that I can’t because of money. And the debt wears and wears and wears on me. I have some people calling, so I no longer answer the phone. If you know me, leave a message, I’ll pick up. And to answer the person who asked me why I’m online if I’m so broke? Truth? My ISP is free. AOL is owned by the same parent company as the company I work for. I get my isp for free… Which I actually don’t need. We got DSL at home, and I hunted around and found a combined deal, where I did a phone package. So, now, I get my local, long distance, AND DSL, for cheaper than my previous phone bill. And why do we have cell phones? Dude. We have a kid with a serious heart defect, and a kid who goes to the principal’s office on a regular basis. We both work outside the home, and both children are at different locations. I’m not NOT having a cell phone. Just in case. And that just in case is worth the bill. Well why do you have Netflix if you’re so poor? Easy. Cheaper. $32 a month – no late charges. So, this is our only entertainment. But as a result, we don’t go to the video store, we don’t have late charges, we still get to “go to the movies” since we can’t with the kids & cost and everything. And the truth is, we don’ t do anything else for entertainment except maybe buy books sometimes. So for that $32 a month, it keeps our entertainment costs to a minimum. Since I have a spender husband (he knows this, I’m not knocking him, we balance each other out), this is important.

I get so tired of people questioning our choices. “Well if you did THIS you wouldn’t have THIS.”

Bullshit.

You try it.

So money sucks. Didn’t realize I’d go on quite the rampage there.

My spiritual life is bereft. Found a great church! Don’t go. Have a new Bible with a translation that helps me understand! Don’t read it. Have some new books with great studies I wanted to do! Do do them. I don’t pray anymore. I’m not close to God right now. Do I believe? Absolutely. Do I need Him? Absolutely. I just can’t seem to take the steps that I need to take. I mean, Dude? What kind of effort does it take to pray?? It’s in my HEAD! I don’t have to lift a finger! But when I try, I draw a complete blank. I know He hasn’t abandoned me. But I can’t seem to reach that hand out that He would grab.

I feel terrible about myself right now, and I just plain don’t feel good. The quitting smoking thing kind of sucks. I’m on the antidepressents (which is working so well, huh?) which actually is helping with the cravings compared to the last time I quit. So that’s making me a little crazy. I’m fat. As a result of being fat, my clothes don’t fit comfortably. They LOOK okay, but they’re not comfortable in the least. I can’t seem to get up the motivation do excersize and eat properly. Although I think Poe’s going to start working out with me. I feel like a slug. With less energy. I’ve got an acne problem. AND THAT’S NOT RIGHT! I’m 31. I never had an acne problem before. So, now to get gray hair AND ZITS is just wrong. I mean come on. The gray hair doesn’t actually bother me. But the zits. Geez. But because of it, I don’t want to wear makeup, because, when you try to cover up the zits, it looks even worse. But that leaves me looking wan and old and feeling very non pretty. My hair needs a trim. I desperately need a pedicure. My eyebrows need waxing (although that makes the acne worse). I need to see the dermatologist to check some moles and spots (I have to go annually due to family history). I just feel sluggish. I’m having trouble with my eyes… I have this gross stringy discharge… Like sleep but it just keeps going, like small hairs, across my eye. I think it’s allergic conjunctivitis – which is entirely possible, since my eyes are highly effective when I have a hayfever flare up. But I’m afraid to take the allergy medication on top of the the Wellbutrin.

My hosuehold is in chaos, a mess, and getting dirty. I can’t seem to get up the motivation to clean it up. It’s all me. Poe was supposed to do the laundry, but that didn’t work out so well, so we switched, and then he was supposed to do the dishes. Now I’m doing both. And everything else. He’s a great help with the kids, and takes on a lot of that responsibilitty since they don’t really listen to me anyway. Which is good. But I’m like it. He takes out the trash, and does the kitty litter, and every once in a while the outside. Hi. I’ve got the rest. Every once in a while he gets tired of the mess (that keeps coming and I can’t get a handle on), and goes on a bender and cleans up and get’s things going for me, which is great. But that doesn’t help in the long run.

Bottom line?

I feel like a tired, frumpy, ugly, fat, whiny, bitchy woman, who’s a terrible housekeeper, wife and mother.