I’m a little behind on my reading and writing – this article was published in August. I tucked it into my “things to write about folder.” I’m just now getting around to brushing some of this stuff off.
Stefania Pomponi Butler, of CityMama wrote this article I found at Mommy Bloggers.
A couple of quotes and a couple of thoughts…
While I was reading it I could feel my shoulders starting to rise because I really feel for women who try to knock themselves out being the “perfect parent.” I really think that mothers especially need to support each other more, talk to each other more, share with each other more to prevent this from happening. I am reminded of a recent episode of Desperate Housewives where Lynette’s character totally flames out trying to be Supermom, and it’s not until she reaches her lowest point that her friends admit that they have a hard time sometimes, too. Why wait until you or your friends hit rock bottom?
I definitely feel the guilt of not being the perfect parent. I feel guilt because I want my children to have that, and I just don’t have it in me. I don’t have very many mom friends, so I didn’t realize that this was the case until I start reading the journals of moms online. It’s taken some, but not all, of the pressure off.
While I am concerned about raising strong, kind, capable girls, I am far from being obsessed about being the perfect mother. I know a couple that put their child on the waiting list for “the right preschool” the day—THE DAY!—the child was born. I have seen parents stress about signing up for preschool and wondering if there will be any spots left in any preschool by the time their kid hits preschool age. I know of parents that drive themselves nuts trying to keep an all-organic, TV-free, wood-toy-only household. They live in fear of being judged by other parents. This makes me crazy. I’m the mom that stops at McDonald’s for a Happy Meal on the way to playgroup and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. And if my child is being an asshole to the other kids once we get there, I will say, “If my kid hits your kid you have my permission to discipline her. By all means, let her know hitting is ‘not okay.'”
I got married at 23, and had Joseph at 25, and there was no one around to help. I didn’t know anything about the “right” preschools, etc. When I learned about attachment parenting and waiting lists and all of those “right” things one does for their children, it was already too late. I’m definitely a McDonald’s mom. Unfortunately I do care what others think, and I think that’s sad. I just try now to take every day one day at a time, and do what I can.
Whatever it is that sets you off about another mother’s parenting choice, I want you to let it go. Don’t judge, and let it go. Mama is bottle-feeding? Five year-old sucking on a pacifier? Juice in a toddler’s sippy cup? Parents letting baby cry it out? Six year-old still riding in a stroller? Infant in daycare? Three year-old playing a video game? Check that judgment. Think about that mother, and how hard it is to be a mother and just let………it………go. (Updated to add: One exception to this rule? Speak out when a child’s safety is in jeopardy. When I see kids not properly restrained in car seats, I go ballistic. You can, too.)
Please take this advice to heart? It’s a rare mother that doesn’t want the best for their child, so there’s probably a reason for everything. I know there was for me. Many consider me to be a mean mom to Joseph. I’m not. It’s just that with his learning disabilities, you have to take a firm hand with him. You have to make clear boundaries, and force him to toe the line. He doesn’t have the impulse control that he should, because he just doesn’t have it. So I have to be it for him until he can learn how to control himself, which takes time and therapy. If I didn’t someone would be hurt by now, by him. But outsiders don’t know that. I’m just the mean mom. On the other hand, they think I’m too lenient with my youngest. But it’s not that I’m lenient. He doesn’t have the learning disabilities that Joseph does, so it doesn’t take as much effort for him to get things. Yeah – it is easier going with him behavior wise. So what? But the outsiders think I’m giving him special treatment. Nope – it’s actually Joseph getting special treatment. They also observe Logan and think that I’m not doing the things health wise that he needs, because he’s very small for his age. Nope again! It’s his heart condition. The boy eats all day long, he’s like a garbage disposal. But nobody sees that – they just think he’s this fragile little flower.
* No more living in fear of what others will think. That’s no way to parent.
* No more judging. Worry about your own children.
* No more competing. Who cares anyway? Kids sure don’t.
Please no more judging. Please. Doesn’t matter what the reason is. It just hurts. I live in a small town outside a metropolitan city. The town is extremely conservative, with lots of new and old money thrown in. Well.. Hm. No money here, and we’re the tatted and pierced sort. They tend to think that has a direct effect on our intelligence. They’re always surprised when I tell them what we do. Like we couldn’t. I remember I took Joseph as a baby to Gymboree. I thought it would help him (we didn’t know about the disabilities then) to socialize with other kids his age. I only went the one time. You see – at the time I had purple hair. I was stared at and not even ONE person talked to me. I never went back. I wasn’t that khaki girl… I had purple hair and jeans and a tank top that showed one of my tats. I didn’t fit in. The problem wasn’t that I was different – the problem was that they didn’t allow different. I’m usually totally comfortable with those types of people – I grew up here, I know how it works… They just couldn’t be comfortable about me. Which made me feel terribly selfconsious and, well… Almost dirty. Like white trash. And I’m an educated, highly (by the numbers anyway) intelligent woman – and street wise to boot. In my BP life (before Poe), I managed to stare down men, protect myself with a knife, live homeless, survive attacks, and came out all the stronger. One morning with these women, and I went home with my tail between my legs. I’m ashamed that I let them effect me in this way.
I’m saying here and now that I refuse to be one of them.
Great post. I also refuse to be a judgemental mommy. I just don’t get it. I want to empower other women and for them to feel good about their parenting skills. So sad that we are the minority. Is it because of our wretched childhood where our mothers didn’t empower us? Mostly I think people become judgemental because they are insecure. They need to put someone else down to feel better about themselves. How sad. I also see judging in moms who “claim” to be nonjudgemental but yet self-righteous. For example; some moms think little girls should never own a Bratz doll or anything adorned with it’s likeness. They are entitled to that opinion. What gets me is when they’ll judge and ridicule a mom for allowing her daughter to play with them. Even go as far as to say she’s a bad mom. That’s the kind of stuff that makes me crazy! Good for you for standing above it.
Amazing post, mama! I admire you for your ability to speak so eloquently what many of us feel. Big hugs from the IE, and I can’t wait to compare tattoos!