Ambivalence of the Spirit

I’ve been finding myself changing.  I think it’s a good thing.  I feel like it’s God working on me.  My values, my priorities, where my life is going, what I’m doing with the time I have.

Good.  These are all good things.

I feel, however, like I’m the verge of something in my life.  Something big, some big transition.  For the life of me, I don’t know what that is.

I know that I’ve been  researching more the concept of a Proverbs 31 wife…  Christian femininity…  And more.  I find myself inexplicably drawn to women’s websites who are leading these lives.

I’m playing with the finances…  Trying to make the numbers work.  So I can come home.  It just won’t work yet.  Yet.  The advice I was given was quit anyway, God will provide.  But I’m not getting that nudge from God.  I’m getting the nudge to prepare, but not to do.  I think that’s because I wouldn’t be a good steward if I were to do that.  There’s certain things that need to be taken care of first.  I’m not ignoring God, or his provision in this.  I’m listening to Him. “They” don’t get that.  That’s okay.

I feel like big changes are up for this family this year.  I can’t tell if they’re good or bad or what?  Will Poe get transferred?  Will I come home?  Will it by my mother’s final year?  I just don’t know.

So I slog on.  Pray.  Try to pray.  Try to keep my spirit open to His  leading.  I’m doing it.   It’s so hard for this on-top-of-things, can-do woman to do though.