Dear Jeannette,
I have really been struggling. Your death has caused my life to go into a tailspin. Why didn’t you at least try to communicate with me? Why did you leave all the questions you knew I had? I am now learning to deal with the fact that I just will never know. I can’t know my biological father, because you wouldn’t give me the information. You died without ever doing it. And you wanted it that way. Now, I’m a biological orphan.
You know? I don’t understand it at all. I’m a mother. I cannot in my life imagine leaving my children without something. If I knew that I were dying I would leave them something of me. Something to tell them of me. To let them know how I feel about them – otherwise they’d never know. I would probably write them letters. Give them pieces of information that they wouldn’t have otherwise, so that hopefully they won’t have as many questions once I’m no longer there to provide them. Because, as a mother, I want to help them.
You didn’t. You’ve known for years this was going to happen. You knew a year ago that it would probably be this year. You knew 6 months ago it was inevitable. And a month ago, you knew it could be any day. How could you?
How could you leave me hanging? You knew what my questions were. You knew where I was.
The last things you asked for was a picture of the kids. MY sons.
But you never even mentioned me. To the end, you never mentioned me – the big ol’ elephant in the room. And I’ll have to live with that the rest of my life. That I wasn’t worth your mention, even on your death bed.
Lemme tell you – it’s done wonders for my self esteem.
But I’m finally able to start living again. I guess the wound is starting to scab over.
I have one last thing to ask you. Wherever you are, could you please help me not to pick at it too much? I just don’t want to hurt any more because of you.
With all the love you never wanted,
Michele
Big hugs to you..
You don’t require a pedigree. You know who you are. Move on and go in with grace and goodness.
What a heartfelt letter, I hope in someways it helped you in getting it written down. I am sorry this happend, I am sorry this was the road that was selected for you (and not by your choosing). Maybe somehow, someway you can be there for another, and make this pain all worth it. Just maybe somehow, someway, what was made to be “awful” can be made to be “beautiful” through you.
{{{{hugs}}}}
What are you asking for ? This woman has never been a mother and didn’t even want to be one. Probably she didn’t even know what you wanted from her. There are women in this world who don’t have any mother instinct at all, and if they could they would just have an abortion. But it’s easier just to carry out pregnancy and throw the thing away.
I had a mother, I even had parents but the way they loved (???) me I only found out at 50, because I had a sever depression. Since then I have closed this chapter, it’s finished for me and I live a happy life. I am even able to laugh about it. For me the only thing that matters is that my son had a happy childhood and even now he is 33, we have a very close relationship from adult to adult. He can count on me and I can count on him. And this is the most important matter in my life, besides my husband of course, with whom I am happily maried since 36 years.
Michele, I’m sorry. Although you will never have the answers you are looking for I know that writing letters like this can be very healing. I pray for you to find peace and to finally be free from your tormenting mother.
Wow, Michele, heavy post. Like Laurel Wreath, I hope writing this was cathartic for you. While I was reading, the thought that was impressed upon me was that you are known by the one who matters most, by the one who loves you forever. I hope one day that knowledge will fill the void left gaping from the selfishness of your bio mom. Maybe she was just as wounded as you, just in a different way, and that’s what caused her to make the choices she did….
Here from the BC carnival.
Sorry for your pain. I do not know your mother’s story, but did you ever think that she did the best thing by not telling you? Children are products of rape, incest, one-night-stands, etc. Do not torture yourself. If you were meant to know, it will come to you.
Here for C&C Monday from the Art of Getting By. Off to torture your renter or some hapless soul on your blog links.
A painful, but honest post…which makes a blog worth reading in my opinion. I’m sorry you were so completely abandoned by this woman on so many levels. I hope at some point you find peace. It’s a hard struggle, I’m sure.
GAH!
How painful for you. I wish you both peace.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Hopefully, in time things will get better. I wish you the best.
Here via Carnival of Family Life.
Thank you for sharing your heart and pain with all of us. I hope the scab has begun to heal. I’m sorry you will always have that scar. I pray God will help you to heal in ways you never thought possible.
My mom & her dad finally connected shortly before he died. For some reason he could never reach out to her in certain ways (birthday cards, etc), but he sent those things to my brother and I. I wonder if he and your mom were similarly emotionally crippled. I know you can’t be convinced, but please know at least that others know her failings are no reflection on your worth. YOU ARE PRICELESS, AMAZING, AND PRECIOUS.