A Bit of a Rant

Today is Monday.  Which means all I have to do is get the kids up and ready and out the door on time for school.  Then I get to come home and do whatever I want.  You see, this week is my vacation, before I start really concentrating on home stuff.  Which would be awesome.

Unless you come down with a major cold.

Yesterday’s allergies turned out to not be allergies, and instead, an actual full blown cold.  Can you feel the joy?

But – yesterday’s plumbing debacle has been fixed thanks to my father’s plumbing snake.

I’m running into a lot of disbelief about my coming home.  It’s funny – it changes.  For example, my mother feels the need to blab my business to all of her friends.  “Well, you know, she pays $1300 a month in childcare, and that’s just rediculous.”  I told her that they don’t need to know that, and the answer of “She’s home with her children” is enough.  But since SHE’S sketchy about this whole thing, I don’t expect that will happen anytime soon, as she needs to convince herself.  So I thought I’d list some reasons.

Non-secular: I believe the Bible teaches about the parents teaching the kids, and training them in the way that they should go.  In all things in life, be in education, spiritual, and the basics of living in today’s world.  I cannot do that while not being home 11 hours a day.  I believe the Bible teaches that the wife is to create a “home” and life – the hub of it all working.  I believe that the Bible teaches that while we cleave to our husbands, we care for our extended families and parents.  I cleaved to my husband, but my parents are now reaching the age in which I have to be more “there” in their care.

Secular: Mom’s right.  I paid $1300 a month in order to maintain a job and be away from home 11 hours a day.  Until this point in Poe’s career, I made more money, and I had the health insurance.  I was the main breadwinner, and not being that was not an option.  That’s not the case anymore.  In addition, quite frankly, during the course of this job, my migraines got worse, and I developed a small hernia, GERD, and two small ulcers.  I do not believe that this is a coincidence.  I juggled my job, my marriage, my kids, my parents (all the typical relational stuff) in addition to juggling kids’ illnesses, my own illnesses, my husband’s illnesses, my mother nearly dying several times in the last couple of years, my brother’s suicide, my birth mother’s death, school conferences, IEP conferences, pediatrician appointments, dental appointments, cardiologist appointments, school plays, and being the editor of the school newspaper.

Bottom line?  I’m simplifying.  I’m creating the life that I want.  I’m 33 years old and wasn’t living the life that I wanted to live.  I am not an imbecile.  I know money is a reality.  But reality is also the fact that my kids and husband and parents need me.  That’s my reality.

I’m hoping this is it.  I’m hoping that now that it’s done, people will stop trying to make me justify my actions.  Actions speak louder than words, and my actions are saying a couple things.  My actions say I’m DONE.  My actions say that I am not a woman who can handle it “all.”  My actions say that I love my family more than my supposed “career.”  Yes, I was told that I loved my career more than my family at one point.  DUDE!  I was an assistant!  What career?  I did it!  I left!  and now I get to live my life, instead of subsisting weekend to weekend.

Do I think all women should be home with their families?  Actually, yes.  Yes I do.  I think that’s the ideal.  I really think the woman, the wife, the mother is the hub of all that happens in the home.  Do I think all women can?  Hell no!  I certainly couldn’t for the last ten years.  Are we suddenly independently wealthy?  Hell no!  We’re going to need to cut some things out of our life to actually make it.  That’s why I’ve started my business.  I want to be able to put money away for other things, such as retirement, vacations, and savings for the kids.

Let’s bottom line it.  I am not an idiot for leaving my job.  I wish people would stop trying to make me feel as though I am.  And also?  I need to forgive myself for not attaining it “all” as I was taught to have.  I was taught to go to school, and have a career, and have a career and a family.  To be a success first, and then have a family.  All you need is an education and a good career.  The family thing sort of happens on the sidelines – a side dish to your life of having it all.  It’s an illusion.  “All” gave me ulcers.

Do I worry?  You BET I worry.  Poe could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and then where will I be?  But when I brought that up?  All he said was, “Michele, if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know what you’ll do?  You’ll do what you have to do.  So let’s live now.”  I love that man.